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Classic DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter

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#1 DarkJuno


    Lord of the Foys

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Posted 16 September 2004 - 09:59 PM

Presidential candidates, fancy hair, and more, all on the 28th Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!


Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Millenia......Foyusa....Freaky Psychic Bird....and special correspondent Mai Shiranui....this is DarkJuno:(Non)Roving Reporter...

-news desk-

DJ: Heya, and this is indeed DJ:(N)RR, and I'm your wind wakin' host DJ! Millenia, unfortunately, is currently fighting off the deity equivalent of a cold, so joining me today is DJ:(N)RR special correspondent, everyone's favorite kunoichi, Mai Shiranui!
Mai: -waves- Konnichiwa! Though how could a deity catch a cold?
DJ: Eh, Millenia's only PART of a former deity, so she does...anyway, over there at the letters' desk are my two buddies...
Foyusa: ...the flying insectoid Foyusa!
FPB: ..and the ESP induced FPB!
DJ: Didn't we agree that you guys would quit with your nicknames already?
Foyusa: Only if you quit with yours!
Mai: I have to side with Foy-chan on this one DJ-chan...
DJ: Eh...on with the news...

-news mode-

DJ: First up tonight, the jury is now deliberating on the faith of Vincent Valentine. After strong evidence on both sides, it will certainly be a tough call. If found guilty of murdering CCKA Leader Starky and SNK cat-girl Cham Cham, Vincent will easily be sent to live in an eternal cycle within the Zombie infested Raccoon City, to be disintegrated by the final nuclear blast, only to come back at the beginning of the nightmare. This endless cycle is sure to drive even Valentine into madness.
Mai: Eh, don't you mean Vinny-chan?
DJ: Oh, right. His distant cousin Jill Valentine did survive just fine and dandy, after all...

Mai: My turn! -clears throat- Not to be outdone by the UBA, today the SS announced their candidate vying for the Galbadian Presidency, Mewtwo. At the press conference, the powerful psychic Pokemon commented,

Mewtwo: -This will be a rise of new freedom for Galbadia. Esthar's military occupation has been effective for the past few years, but now is the time for it to finally take its reigns in its own hands. I shall be the proper leader to place Galbadia into the right path of survival, and to retake its place as a World(s) Power. Thank You...-

Mai: Mewtwo promises to initiate more political freedoms and to help fix the troubled economy of the nation, which collapsed after the Second Sorceress War due to instabilities and several false profit statements by several corporations based in Deling City. As far as his opponents, UBA Kuja candidate replied earlier today:

Kuja: Tch. Honestly, what does Mewtwo believe when he runs for this office? This "Super Smashers" party is still a joke, and we at the UBA shall easily take this election, as we are certain that our views are in line with those of the Galbadian nation.

Mai: More on this as it develops!

DJ: On a less serious note, yesterday marked the grand opening of the brand new Beauty Salon, "Paineted Nails." As you can see from the video, it specializes in some rather...unique hairstyles, though it fits in rather well given the characters. Wing Gulls Member Paine, the parlor's founder, has this to say:

Paine: .....well, I really don't think this is such a good idea, but Rikku convinced me to try it. Eventually, she pestered me enough to do so, so this is pretty much to shut her up. But I'm sure it won't do very well...though I'll admit, it's nice to finally share my gift of styling hair with others.

DJ: Paine herself trained each stylist in the skills of creating hairstyles, using her own as an example. Thus far, it has been a smash hit, which reportedly disappoints Paine slightly.

Mai: Finally tonight, the mysterious Weapon type creature, which attacked Isle Delfino a few months back, has struck again, this time attacking the peaceful Seaside Kingdom of Cyrum. King Roan is in anguish, as his kingdom has just recently re-emerged as a financial power after recovering from the Valmar Beast attacks a few years ago. This is sure to set the nation back again with the destruction of the harbor from this new Weapon. Local former Nurse and present physician Tio reports, luckily, only 10 casualties out of the massive population, but several hundred injuries. In fact, the Hyrule Medical Center is accepting patients through the single warp gate, as well as several other hospitals world(s) wide in order to help relieve the stress placed on the single Cyrum Hospital. As far as this beast goes, renowned scholar Dr. Tot explains:

Dr. Tot: Well, this is certainly strange. As many have said, however, Weapons only attack in places of great pollution against the planet. However, both Isle Delfino and Cyrum were vastly cleaned up long before this particular Weapon appeared. I'd advise all Coastal Cities which have just recently cleaned up their act to be wary...

Mai: More on that as it comes!
DJ: We'll be back after this...

-black background, with solemn and triumphant music playing, characters appearing and disappearing as their voice over is heard. Text follows between each character-

Squall: If there is emotion, I will suppress it...

-like a sociopath-

Tifa: If there is a bar, I'll have a 4 year old run it...

-just like reality-

Kain: If there is a betrayal, I will perform it...

-every 5 minutes-

Crono: ............


Kefka: If there's a zinger, I'll say it!

-like a self help book-

Ultimecia: If there is an ill kontrived plot twist, I shall take it...

-makes no sense-

Cloud: If there's an angst requirement, I'll pass it...

-like everyone else-

Aerith: Fans can bring me back with incessant whining...

-got that right...-

Terra: I can survive with or without magic...

-and no longer has an always-naked mode-

Yuffie, Selphie, and Rikku: I can be proof of cloning!

-or lazy developers-

Kid: If there are bleedin' stereotypes, I can do it mate!


Kuja: I'm confusing to those who judge gender...

-nice hair though-

Celes: I can sing and kick ass at the same time...


Beatrix: I can taunt you by only nearly killing you...

-and only be used for five minutes in game

Magus: I am weaker while on your side...

-only 1/16th HP...-

Yuna: I can change from modest to revealing in two years...

-nice hot pants-

Aya Brea: I AM a Squaresoft character...

-whisper whisper-

Aya: Oh, I mean, I am a Square-Enix character...

Square-Enix: Just Play It...

-and give us loads of cash-

Mai: -crying- Awwwwwwwww, how inspiring!
DJ: -sniff- Yeah, I know! -cries-
Mai: Hai! -sniff sniff- Anyway, and now to our weekly feature...

-special effects, slightly off-


DJ: -sniff- Take it awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Foyusa and FPB!

-letters' desk-

FPB: Thanks DJ! Today's letter is from Dragon Roost Island, and it reads:

"Dear Foyusa and FPB,

-sigh- I'm a bit saddened. Ya see, I just got my wings, and I've been trying to impress this girl...she's technically my family's aide, but I always think of her as a friend. Yet lately, this other guy in green came along, and while he's a good guy, this girl's been following him around instead. Supposedly, he dresses like this guy in some old story where he had five different women all after him, and it looks like this girl is falling for him as well, since I last saw her leave with him. What can I do?


FPB: Well Winged, if you really want this girl, it'll take more then, uh, "wings," as you call it, er, them to impress her. You have to show that you really care about this girl and do it before it's too late.
Foyusa: Unless this other guy has better, um, "wings" then you, in which case you're screwed.
FPB: Foyusa!
Foyusa: What!? If he has better wings, he can fly her around better!
FPB: ...back to you guys...

DJ: Thanks guys! Of course, I'd like to thank Mai Shiranui for sitting in today. You'll be back for "Eyes of Mai next -cough- week right?
Mai: No problem DJ-chan, and Hai! "Eyes of Mai will be on "next week" -glances around nervously-
DJ: Yes...so, for Mai Shiranui, Foyusa, Freaky Psychic Bird, and our currently under the weather comrade Millenia, this is DarkJuno bidding you all a sane and restful day!
Mai: Get well soon Milly-chan, and...
All: See Ya!!!

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