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[Selena]

The Young and the Breastless

The Nadir Experiment

Season 4, Episode 7

Morning

At 6:30, Chik and Lena are sleeping soundly in their respective rooms. In fact, for the first time in ages, they're hoping to sleep in after their night of partying. But, instead of peaceful slumber, the two are jolted awake after techno music with bass cranked high enough to rock the house starts to play from downstairs. The two women nearly fall out of their beds, thinking a war's gone off nearby.

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They both get up and go into the hallway. There, they simply look at each other and sigh.

CHIK

Toan.

SELENA

(mutters)

The two women go back to their rooms and, now that they're already awake, decide to get ready for the day. After showering and dressing, Chik heads down the hall and feeds the fish before going to prepare breakfast. Lena, however, heads past her and plops down on one of the many couches in the house. She plugs in their video game console and starts to play a snowboarding game to pass the time.

CHIK

Do you want any ham in thi-

SELENA

(over the techno music)

WHAT?!

CHIK

I said! Do you want any-

SELENA

CAN'T HEAR!

Chik walks up to her and puts her head right next to Lena's ear.

CHIK

DO YOU WANT HAM IN YOUR OMELET?!

SELENA

Oh, yes please.

Chik goes back to making food, and, as it begins to cook, the smell wafts downstairs to the disco room. Toan takes a whiff while he's playing his tunes, and leaves them, still playing, to go eat.

He sits down at the table, smiling, and Lena wanders over eventually. Chik gives them each a plate and fixes herself one, and they all start to eat breakfast. Techno music still playing. LOUDLY.

As Toan inhales his food, the other two simply stare at him, irritated by the noise and his manners.

TOAN

Whaaat?

CHIK

Couldn't you turn that music OFF?

TOAN

You don't like it?

SELENA

Not at 6:30 in the friggin' morning!

TOAN

It's about 8:30 now, though...

The two glare. He finishes eating without a care in the world. After finishing, he stands up and stretches.

TOAN

Well, I'm pretty tired, still, so I'm gonna go take a nap for a while. See ya!

He changes back into his jammies and heads upstairs, leaving the music cranked. Chik and Lena clean up, and Chik then goes down to shut it all off. Lena heads outside to look into the telescope for a bit.

Then, after cleaning up the plates, Chik heads to the piano where she begins to play a soft tune, being sure to keep quiet as to not wake the fish up. She hits the wrong key, and Lena flinches.

Selena walks over and stands behind Chik as she play, and when the hobbit hits another wrong key, Lena playfully begins to taunt her.

SELENA

You're flat! And I don't mean your chest this time.

CHIK

Leave my chest out of this, lemon.

SELENA

Fine, but start playing better or my ears are gonna start bleeding.

CHIK

Bah, stop making fun of me or I'll... I'll...

SELENA

Or you'll what?

CHIK

Or you won't live through the night, that's what.

SELENA

I quake with fear.

CHIK

Bah!

Selena hugs Chik from behind, and as Chik looks up, their eyes lock for a moment. The two are...somewhat entranced by that minor action, and after a moment, Lena laughs nervously and goes to sit down on the couch.

SELENA

Really, Lycia's more entertaining than your piano playing.

CHIK

I don't wanna know in what ways you found her entertaining, but I'm assuming the worst.

SELENA

Lemon.

CHIK

Lime.

SELENA

We taste good when we're merged together?

CHIK

(shivers)

Most disturbing pickup line ever.

SELENA

I thought so.

CHIK

Toan's really asleep, huh?

SELENA

Yeah, why?

CHIK

Just wondering. You beat all the little pixel men in the race down the snow covered hill?

SELENA

Always. Though one dude cut me off. Couldn't kill him, unfortunately. Stupid programming.

CHIK

Poor baby.

Chik sits down right next to Lena. She looks up the stairs to make sure the coast is clear, for some... reason known only to the hobbit. The two are quiet for a moment before the hobbit speaks again.

CHIK

So! You bummed we drug you away from your fight before you could kick that other woman's butt?

SELENA

I could've, too! She looked like a frail little bitch. Like you, but taller, though.

CHIK

Hey! Do not make me kick your ass. I might be small, but I'm not weak! Don't make me bite!

SELENA

Kinky.

Chik hugs Lena, at first just intending to creep her out, but in the end, doesn't let go. Rather, she sits there with her arm around the other girl.

CHIK

That's all you ever think about.

SELENA

(looks down at Chik's hand, hovering close to Lena's chest)

You too, apparently. Can fish not satisfy you enough? Have to fuck everyone in the house?

CHIK

Test driving before I buy!

SELENA

You're such a perv. ...Get off.

She hugs Lena tighter.

CHIK

You may wish to rephrase that.

SELENA

Er… you know what I mean. Go wake up fish if you want action.

CHIK

Bah, stop playing so hard to get. Come on, all those years with us trapped in that damp, dark Labyrinth? All the fighting, all the name calling? We fight like an old married couple as it is. Even I could sense all the sexual tension between us right from the start.

SELENA

You're really serious about this, aren't you?

CHIK

(resting her head on Lena's shoulder)

It was a lot better when it was just the two of us in our realm of evil. Back in the beginning. Back when we were just two insane girls ruling over the darkness side-by-side.

SELENA

(contemplates)

CHIK

You don't agree?

SELENA

Perhaps. I do miss those days when it was just you and I. The fighting, drinking and occasionally making out in LoD.

CHIK

(nods)

The way it should rightfully be.

SELENA

And Toan?

CHIK

(sighs)

I'll... work it out. But he's not my Labyrinth co-ruler, now is he? He don't know me like you do. Besides, he cheated on you. So now get your revenge.

SELENA

(laughs)

What?!

CHIK

(leans back)

Go on, use my body as you will. Just be gentle!

SELENA

There's no fun in 'gentle,' wuss.

CHIK

Oh, fine, be rough, just don't bruise my face or he'll start getting suspicious.

The two laugh and embrace one another. Eventually, Lena swings her legs over Chik's and the latter woman pulls Lena up onto her lap. They hold each other close, Eskimo kissing.

And, upstairs, Toan remains blissfully unaware that his girl is cheating on him with another woman!

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Lenabot action figures available in the lobby. Shush up, I'm running out of commercial ideas. Got a product to push? Say so after the episode.

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Edited by Selena, 17 February 2006 - 09:04 PM.

[Toan]

Midday

While Toan still snoozes, the ex-LoD rulers downstairs start to get a little bolder in their displays of affection. Yes, as Toan dreams about this very situation, the live version’s happening downstairs at long last. Poor fish. So out of the loop.

After Eskimo kissing for quite a while, Selena finally closes the gap between the two of them, and the girls begin to French one another. Chik wraps her arms tightly around Lena and the two apparently get very into it, going from rivals one day to lemony lovers the next.

As Lena starts to kiss Chik’s neck, the hobbit starts to laugh, but quickly tries to silence herself so Toan won’t wake up. She smacks Lena on the back of the head.

CHIK

Stop that! It – haha – QUIT OR I’LL STAB YOU.

SELENA

(in between kisses)

But I really think you quite like it.

CHIK

Oh, fine, I do, but I’m going to wake up Toan if I keep laughing!

SELENA

Laughing, screaming, we’ll see. This place really needs a Red Room.

CHIK

(starts snickering)

Confident, are you?

SELENA

Mhmm.

Toan, upstairs, gets up and yawns, feeling much better now that he’s had a nap. He does, however, hear giggling coming from downstairs. But, ignorant little Toan assumes that they just must be watching something funny on television or arguing with each other like always.

Toan decides to take a shower, and when the lemons hear the water running, they pause in their make out session.

CHIK

He’s awake!

SELENA

But still gonna be out of the room for at least ten minutes!

CHIK

...True.

The two begin to kiss again, but with less fervor. But, every once and a while, they get a word or two out from in between the actions.

SELENA

You’re just gonna use me and then go back to Toan, aren’t ya?

CHIK

Mhmm!

SELENA

You’re such a filthy whorebag.

Resisting a giggle as Lena plants a kiss on Chik’s neck for the final time, the Queen of the Labyrinth simply smiles.

CHIK

Somehow I don’t think those are the sweet nothings you’re supposed to be saying to me, but it’ll do.

They hear the water turn off upstairs, and the two girls break apart and act like nothing’s happened. Chik, realizing that she’s finally hungry at 3 in the afternoon, goes to make herself some lunch. Lena, now bored, goes to play pinball.

As Lena leaves to use the restroom, Toan finally heads downstairs. The phone rings. Seeing that Chik’s busy and Lena’s elsewhere, he picks up the phone.

TOAN

Hello?

CALLER (MATT)

Hey, is Len- wait, aren’t you that punk kid from the pool?!

TOAN

YOU! What the hell do YOU want, ass?

MATT

To talk to your hot housemate. The other one can come over too. It’ll be fun.

Lena hears Toan yelling, and after exiting the bathroom, she picks up the upstairs receiver and listens in.

TOAN

Listen you fuckhead, stop calling here or I’ll go find you and beat the crap outta you again!

MATT

I’m quivering in fear, little boy.

TOAN

Asshat.

Toan slams down the receiver, and Lena, rolling her eyes, hangs up her phone as well. She heads down the stairs, and just as Toan’s about to head back down to the disco room to start up his music again, the phone rings AGAIN.

Toan picks it up.

TOAN

Hello?

CALLER (SMITH)

Is Selena there?

TOAN

Uh huh.

He holds the phone out.

TOAN

Lena, one of your many suitors, apparently.

SELENA

(picking up the phone)

Hello?

SMITH

Hey, Selena.

SELENA

Smith! Hi!

Chik looks up from cooking, suddenly overcome with jealousy. Lena notices and coughs.

SELENA

What’s up?

SMITH

Are we still friends? I never hear from you anymore, and I figured you’d call to see what was going on. Would it kill you to make an effort every once and a while?

Selena pauses, never thinking an alien would be that dramatic. She fidgets.

SELENA

Uh, I’m sorry, Smith. I really am. It’s just been an... interesting last few days. Been a little busy.

CHIK

(thinking)

Or ready to GET busy. Heh.

SMITH

Well, all right. Fine. I guess I’ll talk to you later, then.

SELENA

Bye...

The two hang up, and Lena sighs. Chik finally sits down and eats her meal while Lena goes upstairs. After Chik’s finished eating, Toan pops a TV dinner into the microwave, not feeling like cooking for himself.

As they wait, Chik hears the shower water turn on and covers up her eyes with her hands, hoping that somehow would stop her mind’s eye from going crazy with pervy fantasies. She looks over to Toan, who’s just patiently waiting for his food. Okay. Time to distract herself.

CHIK

Fish.

TOAN

Huh?

She practically pounces on him, both to perhaps apologize for her cheating and to check to make sure she was still into guys. After a very long, passionate kiss, she pulls away, and he stares at her in shock. Not that he was complaining or anything.

TOAN

You’re awfully frisky today. Hey, wait a minute. Did I give you a hicky the other day? Sorry!

CHIK

Huh?

TOAN

Your neck. Right there.

He points, and she covers the very fresh mark up with her hand, blushing a bit. She laughs nervously.

CHIK

Yes, I guess you did! You big strong, virile fish, you.

TOAN

Yeah, I try.

CHIK

(thinking)

But Lena succeeds.

The microwave dings, and Toan takes out his dinner, sits down, and begins to eat. Chik, however, decides to venture upstairs, feeling like she should take a shower...

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Buy KY warming gel, personal lubricant, at your nearest store now. ^__^

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[Selena]

Evening

Chik wanders up to Lena’s room, where the other woman, wrapped in a towel, is now exiting the bath. They stare at each other for a moment before Lena speaks up.

SELENA

You’re late.

CHIK

Sorry.

SELENA

I take it you want to use my shower since yours is unsatisfactory for some reason?

CHIK

Yup.

SELENA

Knock yourself out.

CHIK

(with an innocent grin)

I don’t suppose you wanna join in the fun?

SELENA

I just got clean, don’t dirty me up again!

CHIK

Bah, fine!

Chik disappears into Lena’s bathroom and starts up the shower. Lena dresses and leaves the area, heading out into the hallway to avoid any kind of pervy temptation.

She notices the fishes in the aquarium out there, and taps on the glass to make them move. She watch for a moment before becoming bored. She then wanders about the entire house aimless.

Eventually, she stumbles across a newspaper while Toan goes downstairs and starts up the music again. Lena reads through it quickly, and then makes it into a paper airplane. She tosses it about the room, making comical ‘jet engine’ noises to accompany the aircraft’s flight.

SELENA

(sighs)

I am so alone. I should’ve just showered again. Pathetic.

With nothing else to do, Lena heads back up to her room, wondering if there would be a naked hobbit there upon her return. Chik, however, has already exited and is in the hall, drying her hair with a towel.

SELENA

You didn’t make a mess in there, did you?

CHIK

Lemon.

SELENA

You’re one to talk.

Chik sighs and rolls her eyes.

CHIK

I’m going to bed. Good night, Lena.

Lena watches Chik head back to her room, and then bites her lower lip in contemplation. She decides against… whatever it was she was pondering, and then returns to her own room. The two girls try to drift off to slumber as Toan pretends to be a disc jockey downstairs.

Eventually, he too grows bored, shuts off the music, and goes to bed, none the wiser about the girls’ new love affair.

END DAY 7

Commentary: ZOMG.

[31-Year-Old-From-Georgia]

HOLY CRAP.





...well, we all knew Chik's horniness would come into play this way eventually.

And now there have been flings between all three major characters. ^^

[Showsni]

Did you put all their start up points into lust or something?

[Delphi]

You're dirty Chik! How can I ever sleep on your floor again?! XD j/k...

[Selena]

She makes you sleep on the floor after.... o.o



What an inconsiderate lemon! Chik, find yourself a new girlfriend.

[Toan]

Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention it:

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR SEASON FINALE OF THE YOUNG AND THE BREASTLESS SEASON 4!

[Chikara Nadir]

Hey, it's all Lena's fault. She musta been spiking my..uh...ham omelet. Nevermind the fact that I was the one who apparently made it. >.>

[Veteran]

Shock and awe.

This show has everything you want and more.

[Rhiannon]

I don't know who to stick up for anymore...

Is someone gonna get married in the last? or have a baby? Oooh that'd be so fun to get a baby in the house!

[Stew]

GAH! I left off on number 4! I didn't realize that 5, 6, and 7 had come out! I was uninformed! But, much reading later I'm all caught up!

And everyone knows that all Simulation games end off with A: The house burning down B: A robber coming in, stealing/killing everything, C: Some sort of horrific Zoo/Jurassic Park break out, that leaves the city in a certain death, yet incredibly amusing, situation, or D: Crashing the vehicle somehow.

I'm rooting for C

Edited by BunnyStew, 19 February 2006 - 12:25 PM.

[wisp]

Or E) I show up and eat everyone because they tried to leave me out.

[Selena]

Nyc, considering that lemons have now surfaced in the episode, I'd REALLY, REALLY reconsider saying you'll show up and 'eat us'.

[31-Year-Old-From-Georgia]

Aw. Will there be a season five? Perhaps with more LAliens.