The Young and the Breastless
The Nadir Experiment
Season 4, Episode 5
Morning
Our housemates wake up at their usual time – 6 AM. Both females take control of the upstairs bathrooms, forcing Toan to walk downstairs in order to relieve himself. When Toan hears Lena leave her room, he rushes back upstairs to steal her shower, sneaking in so she won't notice him. Lena heads downstairs, where she opens the cupboards up.
The cupboards are getting quite barren, and Lena starts to wonder how long they'll last without going shopping. But, not seeing anything good to eat, Lena pulls a college trick. It was time to get pizza for breakfast.
SELENA
Hey, guys, I'm ordering a pizza for breakfast! What do you two want?
CHIK
(calling from upstairs)
I'm not hungry! Toan, what about you?
TOAN
(in shower)
Uh, I don't know. Lena, you choose!
SELENA
Glad to hear you two being so cooperative today.
Lena goes to the phone and picks it up. She dials the number to the local pizza place.
SELENA
Hey, can you send a medium meat lover's to 249 Lemon Avenue, please? Yeah, thanks.
Chik heads down the stairs and passes by Lena. She's holding the keys to the car in her hand and is almost skipping towards the garage.
CHIK
I'm gonna go take the car for a spin! Be back in a little while!
SELENA
Wait, what? You idiot, you don't even have your license!
CHIK
Guess I better not get pulled over then, huh?
Chik leaves with the car, the tires screeching as she races down the road. Lena sighs, and with Toan still in the shower, she starts a game of chess to pass the time. It'd been years since she actually tried to play chess, and forgetting some key rules, she started bombarding the enemy king with her knights and pawns. Taking great joy in seeing the king topple over, she flinches as she hears a loud rev of an engine approach.
At least the drive had been short. Chik pulls back into the driveway, and just behind her, the pizza delivery girl shows up. She, however, goes to the backdoor and rings the bell back there.
Toan, assuming that logically the delivery would be at the front of the house, opens the front door and is greeted with... nothing.
TOAN
Wtf?
Chik, however, opens the back door, and takes the pizza. She pays the woman and takes the food upstairs. Soon, everyone smells it, and wanders into the kitchen like moths to a flame. Toan takes several pieces for himself, Chik takes one, and Lena takes two. They begin to eat quietly.
Just then, a brick sails through the window, with an envelope attached. Chik picks it up hesitantly and reads the letter inside.
"ATTENTION RESIDENTS, YOU ARE BEHIND $800. SEND MONEY TO COLLECTION AGENCY NOW."
CHIK
Okay, who forgot to pay the bills?
TOAN
You.
SELENA
You.
CHIK
Toan's the one good with numbers! It's his job!
TOAN
You're the oldest! Your job!
CHIK
Oh, fine.
Chik fills out a check, puts it in the provided envelope, and goes out to the mailbox to leave it there. But, she notices another bill in there for $600! She goes back in to get the money for that too, and leaves both checks in the box. Stupid money collectors. Probably the mafia. Bah.
But, as she turns to head back inside, she notices a strange gardener watching her. The two stare at each other, and the female gardener smiles brightly. Chik scurries back inside quickly, not feeling comfortable.
CHIK
Dude, there's like a stalker out there.
SELENA
Eeeeeverybody wants Chik, is that it?
CHIK
You included, lemon. But seriously, go look! Hell, it's even a girl!
TOAN
Who? I'll beat her up!
SELENA
Oh please, you got beat up by a girl yesterday. Don't repeat the event.
TOAN
Shut up, bitch.
SELENA
Hmph.
Lena gets up from the table, done with her share of the pizza, and fixes herself a glass of whiskey. She sips on it gradually, but before she can finish her drink, the redheaded gardener from outside... wanders in the house! WTF!
GARDENER
(to the wall, and not to Chik)
WHY DO YOU NOT LOOK AT ME LIKE YOU LOOK AT HIM?! HMM?! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
TOAN,CHIK,SELENA
Wtf!
Chik and Toan slink away to go play pinball elsewhere, but Selena watches this psychopath, mildly amused.
GARDENER
I loved you! You hear me, I loved you! But you chew people up and spit them back out again!
SELENA
...Huh.
GARDENER
You should leave, Chikara! Your house? Fine! You leave me no choice! I must leave!
The gardener turns on her heels and exits the house, slamming the door behind her. Selena rolls her eyes, finishes her drink, and heads upstairs to take a bath.
Chik and Toan, however, giggling all the way, head down the Jacuzzi outside. They change and climb it, cuddling all the while. After all, with Lena two stories up and in her bathroom, she would be none the wiser.
CHIK
(devilishly)
Hey, fish...
TOAN
Y-yeah?
CHIK
(chuckles)
Wanna have a little fun while we're out here?
Toan pauses. She meant... oh wow. Outside?! With Lena awake?! That was a bit much! But he wasn't going to complain any. He had finally won Chik over enough to get what he always wanted from her. Or Lena. Or any female, really.
Without another word, the two began to strip down and do that dirty deed.
And from two stories up, Lena, soaking in the tub, began to hear giggles from her window. She rolled her eyes and sighed. As her housemates mated, she got herself dressed and picked up a device a certain alien had given her. A communications device.
SELENA
...Smith?
SMITH
Affirmative? Lady Selena?
SELENA
Yeah, it's me. Where are you?
SMITH
Ah... the Orion Nebula?
SELENA
Oh. Well, uh, never mind!
SMITH
No, did you want me to stop by?
SELENA
Well, maybe if were in the area. Which you aren't, so...
SMITH
No, no! I'll be there by two!
SELENA
Well, all right! If you don't mind. See you around, Smith.
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Celebrity Jeopardy tonight features the infamous Sean Connery, the ever-irritating Burt Reynolds, and the bat eating Ozzy Osbourne! Tune in tomorrow at 6!
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Edited by Selena, 03 February 2006 - 09:04 PM.
