The Young and the Breastless
The Nadir Experiment
Season 4, Episode 3
Morning
On day three, our housemates wake up in the morning and crawl out of bed. Lena, with her own bathroom, decides to soak in the tub for a little while. But while she relaxes in the tub, Toan and Chik, who share a bathroom, have a little more difficulty getting ready.
They attempt to enter at the same time.
TOAN
Hey, get out of the way!
CHIK
Fish, move!
TOAN
I was here first!
CHIK
No you weren't! I haveta pee! Get outta here!
TOAN
Gah.
Toan leaves, and Chik uses the restroom. He spends some time waiting, then figures she's done, and enters the bathroom again. However… Chik is not quite done. And while he hops in the shower, Chik doesn't quite notice he's there. It is only when she's ready to leave that she notices the nekkid fish sudsing himself up.
She glares, and flushes the toilet.
CHIK
Pervy fish!
TOAN
(agonized scream)
Ignoring him, Chik gets dressed and anxiously heads downstairs to try cooking once more, hoping to get some more practice in. She attempts to bake some croissants again, hoping that this time they don't turn out bad. As she cooks, Lena and Toan go to watch TV on the sofa. They sit on opposite ends of the couch, still a little uncomfortable with their newfound feelings.
TOAN
So… um… think she can make a good breakfast this time?
SELENA
Just plug your nose and imagine it's a Belgian waffle.
CHIK
Come and get it!
TOAN/SELENA
*gulp*
The three sit down to breakfast, and this time the croissants are warm, buttery and golden. Chik eats, anxiously awaiting approval from the others, who are scarfing down the food.
CHIK
Well, well?
SELENA
(between bites)
I love you. So much.
TOAN
Sweet!
CHIK
Aw, thanks guys. ^^;
Chik finishes her breakfast and begins to clean up while the other two finish what's left. Once they're done, they pitch in to help.
TOAN
Really! Awesome food!
Chik tackle-hugs Toan and begins to tickle him.
CHIK
You mean it?
TOAN
Yeah!
SELENA
(washing dishes)
Great, you got the hobbit all happy now. No good will come from this.
*BIG FORESHADOWING NOISE OF DOOM*
TOAN
Psh, and you thought the worst, Lena.
SELENA
Well, you have to be prepared for such things. Especially after last time.
TOAN
Aw, don't make fun of lemon here. She's gotten way better!
SELENA
Okay, I admit. Good job, hobbit.
Chik heads outside while the two finish cleaning up, and as she does, the housekeeper guy shows up through the front door. Toan and Lena look at each other in confusion, but say nothing. The housekeeper is mysteriously dressed like a French maid.
He begins to clean the house while Toan watches in a mix of fear and interest. Lena promptly leaves the room, not knowing why this guy showed up for a second time.
TOAN
Who are you, Rocky Horror?
HOUSEKEEPER
He got nothin' on me, babe.
They clean for about an hour and then the housekeeper leaves as mysteriously as he had come. Toan shakes his head, and although he had devoured several croissants, his stomach begins to growl again. Taking care of his own food needs, he throws a tv dinner into the oven.
And that's where the trouble begins.
----
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----
Midday
As Toan waits for his lunch to finish cooking, Chik shows up. Lena has gone outside to bowl, leaving the pair alone now. The hobbit approaches slowly, and smiles at Toan when he looks over.
CHIK
Hey.
TOAN
...Hey?
Chik tilts her head to the side and begins to think. Oh, he and Lena were getting far too close to one another. That could not be. She would not allow that to happen! Stupid, insubordinate Lena taking all the action in the house. She could seduce Toan and win him over to her side. It would be quite easy, actually. Then LENA would be the third wheel!
CHIK
How ya doin', fish?
TOAN
Just waiting for the lunch to finish. Heh.
CHIK
Oh. That's nice. You know, you're a big help around the house. I never knew you'd be such a good housemate.
TOAN
R-really?
CHIK
Yeah. I mean, you help clean up, you help with the food, you're very courteous. It's a joy to have you around.
TOAN
(looks around for Lena)
Oh, well, um… thanks!
The timer on the oven goes off, and Toan leaps forward to pull the now smoking food out of the oven.
TOAN
Damn. Guess I turned the heat up too much.
CHIK
(chuckles seductively)
Yes, I'm sure you're good at that.
TOAN
*gulp*
Toan begins to eat his food, and Chik slinks over to the pinball table to play a game. After a few bites, though, Toan realizes just how badly he burnt the food, and tosses it out. He then sees that Chik is having some difficulty playing pinball. He walks over to help.
TOAN
Not a big pinball player?
CHIK
(deliberate pout)
I guess not. You good at it?
TOAN
The best, babe! Here, lemme help.
After looking around for Lena again, Toan moves behind Chik, puts his arms around her, and helps her to play the game. They remain like that for a long while until they finally get a game over, and a high score is made!
Chik hugs Toan for his efforts.
CHIK
Thanks a bunch, fish man!
TOAN
Not a problem. Always here to help!
CHIK
Yeah.
Toan is reluctant to let her go, and Chik closes the gap between them as she kisses Toan tenderly. Toan, although not resisting, is also not sure what to do about this little situation. He SHOULD be with Lena. But… but… now there was another girl! What should he do?!
What any self-respecting man would do. He'd fool around with both and pray that neither found out!
CHIK
See ya around, fish. *wink*
Chik leaves to go watch television for a while. Toan is shell-shocked. He eventually follows Chik and sits down beside her. He starts to caress her arm, but she shrugs him off, entranced by the TV. He pouts, and then spots something outside.
Lena. Who was now in her bathing suit and climbing into the Jacuzzi. Perfect! He says farewell to Chik and strips down to his swim trunks. He climbs into the tub with her. Chik then leaves to take a cold shower.
TOAN
Hey, Lena!
SELENA
My, you look awfully happy. Something good happen.
TOAN
(freezes a bit first)
Ah, no, nothing major. How are you?
SELENA
I'm quite operational.
TOAN
Won't being in the water short-circuit you, bot?
SELENA
Water-tight circuitry. I'm invincible, fish.
TOAN
That's right, I keep forgetting.
Toan and Lena begin to cuddle then, and spend most of the afternoon making out in the tub while Chik spends the day inside watching television. By 4, though, the couple finally exits the tub after Lena squeezes Toan rear end. Chik meets them as they get out and get changed.
CHIK
Hey, you guys, do you wanna head downtown for a while?
TOAN
Eh, not really… (thinks) I can't have those to around me at the same time! Damn!
SELENA
Eh, I don't know…
CHIK
Oh, come on! It'll be fun.
TOAN
Actually, um, Lena, weren't you saying you wanted to take that sports car out for a joyride?
SELENA
Yeah, I did wanna see how fast that baby could go.
TOAN
So you wanna go do that?
SELENA
Well, if you guy don't mind. You can come too, if you want.
TOAN
You go joyride! I'll take care of home base. Chik, you wanna stay here too? *winks at her*
CHIK
…Oh! Okay!
TOAN/CHIK
Have fun, Lena!
SELENA
Ooookay, wtf. Ah, well. See you guys around.
Selena heads down to the garage and takes the car out. She puts the pedal to the metal and the sports car takes off down the highway with Lena playing the theme song to Smokey and the Bandit as loud as she can manage.
This leaves Chik and Toan alone once more. Oh, the humanity.
----
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----
Evening of Doom
Chik and Toan spend some time on the couch watching television in each other's arms. Then, Toan goes off to make some dinner. Feeling lonely, Chik wanders into the kitchen.
TOAN
Hey, Chik.
CHIK
Hey there, fishy. How ya doing?
TOAN
Well, I dunno. You think Lena will find out about us?
Lena's car begins to pull up into the garage.
CHIK
Lena? Lena's a clueless fool. Not like you. You're so smart and cunning.
TOAN
Aw, don't flatter me.
Lena heads up the stairs...
CHIK
I mean it Toan. We're perfect for each other. You know it to be true.
Chik moves and embraces Toan, caressing his arm. And that, my friends, is when Lena walks in.
SELENA
What in the FUCK?
Chik and Toan jump away from each other, both uncertain of how to respond.
TOAN
RAPE!
CHIK
What?!
Toan runs to save his dinner from the oven as Lena walks closer to Chik with a dangerous glare in her eye.
Lena then PUNCHES CHIK ACROSS THE FACE! GASP! Chik gets back up and then tackles Lena, pinning her to the ground. The two women begin to flail about and pull hair, all where Toan sits there taking bits from his dinner.
Should he help? Should he stop the fight? Psh, of course not. Evening dinner entertainment! This was perfect.
The two girls continue to exchange blows, all while screaming at each other.
SELENA
I trusted you, you bitch! And what did it get me?! Nothing! My dearest friend goes behind my back to steal my guy!
CHIK
You aren't even worthy of being with anyone, you self centered little brat! I'm doing Toan a favor!
SELENA
Yeah, I'm sure you've been doing him plenty of 'favors' since I've been gone! Slut!
CHIK
Whore!
SELENA
Tramp!
Chik kicks Lena in the stomach and then is dealt an uppercut by the taller female. The two pause in their fighting, Toan on the edge of his seat and still eating dinner. Selena then storms off outside.
SELENA
That's it! I'm out of here!
CHIK
Fine, go!
TOAN
(quietly)
Ah, lovers' quarrel.
Lena heads outside to sit on the bench, and quietly sulks. How dare that bitch betray her. And that fish! Damn them both!
Chik kicks over a chair and then goes to make herself something to eat, still fuming. But, as she begins to make herself dinner, and while Toan escapes without a word, she gets distracted. Outside, she spots Lena, who is sitting by herself with her head down. The bot couldn't be CRYING, could she? Oh damn.
