PART I
Name: Firon.
Race: Human Fire. (Human Fire Dragon)
Gender: Male.
Age: 23.
Height: 5’9.
Weight: 65kg.
Hair: Long slivery `w natural black highlights.
Skin Colour: Crimson reddish blue, this is because of his scales.
Eye Colour: One a vivid red with a flickering silver highlight, the other an electrifying multicoloured Blue.
Build: Lean, not athletic but well built and very fit and he is Ambidextrous.
Clothing: Firon has a large cloak with a hood, Ruby colour, shadowing where he walks.
Interesting physical marks: Scratch like Scar across face. Dragon scales on his neck, hands and legs, and also has a limp. He also has large tattoo of a fire dragon covering all of his back, curving down him arms.
Origin: n/a.
PART II
[Weapon: Long Sword, The sword (Fusion of Fire) is a traditionally a fire weapon, and controlled by the cycles of the moon, because of his father it is also a fuse weapon. Also he has a superb sword handling skill. Firon doesn’t like to fuse if he dose not need to, because he has no control of the fully formed dragon, as everything is destroyed, in the sounding area.]
Strengths & Abilities: Firon is quick handed and has superb sword handling skills with any type/style of swords but prefers the long sword. He is almost completely deaf 100% in the left ear and 65% in the right so has learnt to body/lip-read.
Weaknesses: Firon is suited to the desert arid and hot areas of anywhere, hates the cold and so does his body so always seen waring a long thick trench coat if the temperature is below 20degeraes. And so is always on the move. Firon enjoys a good fight physically adapt to prolonged fights.
PART III
Biography: Firon is best suited to the desert arid and hot areas of the worlds and hates the cold really hates it but enjoys the rain. Firon doesn’t like the fear of losing people, because he believes that living a life of solitude is better that living a life of sorrow, so is forever on the move never staying long in the same city or town.
His mother died of fright with in hours of him being born, and was never told why. Born with a special gift, with his fathers help he was a 4th year swards man at the age of 6. Through out the years of his childhood he never once felt the invisible magic of love, he had a father that loved him but Firon knew that he didn’t want him to be his son and knew deep down that his father hated him. So when he found out at the age to 9 that his father had committed suicide he didn’t care yet he was saddened for what he had learnt form him but was more relieved than anything, with his fathers death he had no other family to speak of other than a uncle that was a knight and he didn’t want anything ti do with Firon, so after that he was sent off to an orphanage in the neighbouring valley. The only thing that kept him alive in the place was the fact at the age of 18 he was considered a legal man. But that was yet a long was off and so getting to know other in the same situating as him was good. Days, weeks and months past and was quickly seen as an outcast to being different so Firon went to see if he could work some where so he didn’t have to spent the entire day with the select friends that he had made. He was giving the opportunity to work at a black smiths shop. Torrance the owner quickly noticed that Firon was quick handed but also had a significant eye for detail and went to see if he could adopt him as his own. Torrance firstly asked Firon if he would like to stay with him and his wife Pam Firon, jumped at he idea because he thought that anywhere would be better that the orphanage. So at the age of 11 Firon was now living in a place that he could call home when he moved in Torrance and Pam they handed him a rather lage reddened coloured egg, which for him was strange but never the less he accepted it and after caring for it over months it hatched and from that it was a salamander Firon was shocked but was happy because he had read about them and had always wanted one and realised that he now never be cold as salamanders are like natural heaters that move, several weeks passed and Firon named the salamander, they did everything together and slowly Silver started to talk so Firon nurtured Silver because Silver could nurture him in return. Firon was going to school and was getting to know people in the town. He enjoyed working with his adopted father in the workshop because as much as his real father had taught him about fighting Torrance could teach him more because of his job as a black smith, because shoeing horses isn’t the only this a black smith does. Forging and shaping iron with a hammer and anvil is an art because there is so much that can go wrong but for thoughts that can really appreciate how things are made from iron like Firon it becomes a whole other world.
While staying with the Smiths Firon always kept quite always did as he was asked and never spoke out of line. Firon practiced and trained with Sliver on a daily basis with all types of weapons swords mostly and soon was educating some of his friends. The years passed as Firon got to know people in the town he became well known, and well liked. Not everyone realised his gift now even him a few did but not every one. He received news through his connections that his home town to where his real parents were buried was destroyed by a fire ball. He went into a blind fiery of rage and ascended to his complete power. Once he had descended and cooled of a bit he now realised to how special and gifted he really was and that his greatest power was also a curse and was to be used only in the most needed and extreme of circumstances. After he had recovered, Firon became a shadow in the town that he knew so much of, much of it had been burnt to a crisp but no one had died, Silver got praise for this, because salamanders have healing qualities. But everyone was still worried to who was decimating towns and could that person destroy their town so Firon vowed to kill who ever it was,. After the town had recovered and Firon had some time to reflect on what had had happened, Firon realised that he had been consumed by hatred, envy and evilness. So he stayed with his close friends and was suspected by others to be doing the work of the devil.
Firon
Started by
Guest_Mirlin_*
, Jun 25 2005 11:43 AM
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5 replies to this topic
#2
DarkLink_14
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Scout
Posted 27 June 2005 - 11:50 PM
ok,
First off, you gotta rearrange the strengths and weaknesses. I really don't see why his deafness would be listed under strengths and his physical prowess for long, drawn-out fights should be listed under weaknesses. Also, it's almost required that some of the weaknesses be personality based and tied to the character's bio.
And now the bio...
...the bio...
First thing I'll say, use paragraphs, they break up the text and keeps the reader from losing interest and break up your sentences, a lot of them should, by all right, be seperated into two or even three individual sentences. Hell, some of them seem to be two sentences and are just missing a period between them.
You provide no setting at all for this bio. While most of this bio seems to be set in the medieval era, portions also seem to resemble the 19th century with the Oliver Twist-type orphanage setting. Also because the age of maturity at eighteen years is a relatively new idea; in the middle ages, it wasn't odd for a young man to be on his own by his early teens. Hell, it was odd for a girl not to be married with kids by the time she was 20. So you must definitely provide context, a historical/social background for this entire story.
Now, the first paragraph is completely unnecessary, at least at the point you inserted it. Where it should go, I'll tell later.
Some of that "mystery," like why his mother died, should be removed and replaced with concrete details. Your character may not know what happened, but you do, and we need to know.
Some of the beginning is self contradictory, i.e.
if he didn't care, He wouldn't feel one way or the other about if. While one can feel sad with a tinge of relief, it self-contradicting to not care, but at the same time feel anything else.
And some are just plain confusing
All that needs to be cleared up, dramatically.
You say that he feels like an outcast in the orphanage for being so different yet you never tell us HOW he is different. Is his personality different? Is he physically different? You tell us absolutely nothing about this, so none of us know how we should feel about him. You give no description of the orphanage, so we don't know why Firon would hate it so much that he would think that any place is better than the orphanage. You also give no description of his life at Torrance' home.
You also fail to give any background on the egg and how Torrance would have come across it and why he would give it to Firon. THen you have this,
WTF? is all I can say. It means nothing.
You don't say anything about the salamander and why he talks at all, and why Firon doesnt find it surprising in the least.
Your reason for why Torrance could teach Firon more than his father doesn't explain it in the least. We all know shoing horses wasn't the only thing a blacksmith did. They made all sorts of things from iron, but that alone doesn't say that Torrance had any interest or knowledge in swordfighting or combat at all, and that's assuming you meant combat skills. The sentences therabouts are confusing as it seems unsure about what its describing.
And the ending has just so much wrong with it.
At the beginning of the bio you tell us that Firon was unhappy with his father, and with his life up to the point of his father's death. Why then would the destruction of his home town send him "into a blind fiery of rage and ascended to his complete power"??? Also, WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT POWER IN THE FIRST PLACE????? And Ascescion???? What the hell?? It just seems to come out of nowhere and just seems to become a "vitally important" plotpoint. You need to describe this power, which apparently had some basis earlier in his life. This MUST be corrected.
You then mention that his hometown was destroyed by a fireball. WHY? Where did this fireball come from and why???? We don't care if the character doesn't know, but such a huge plot hole is unacceptable in a character bio.
...How exactly did Silver get praise for people not dying if he was with Firon in the next valley when the town was destroyed????? And what is this about Firon becoming a shadow in the town? Do you mean that he snuck around the town or something? If so, WHY???
...What exactly do you mean he was consumed by hatred, envy, and evilness? How the heck did that come up at all? His town was destroyed and he got angry, but how does that relate to everything you describe? And why do people suspect he was doing the work of the devil? Its one more item you describe that comes out of nowhere with not basis or background to support it in the least.
Also, despite everything you wrote, it may be because you didn't mention it or because it just got lost in so much self-contradiction, but you gave no sense of who Firon is as a person. Apparently he gets angry easily, but that's really all. He has no real personality, and remains just a paper-thin character in an overly-contradictory and convoluted biography.
Now, in your Section I, you have so much described without basis in the biography. If both his parents were human, for which you give no evidence agains, how the heck is Firon a "Human Fire," as you call him? Also, how can he not be athletic, then go on to describe him as "well built" and "very fit"?? One more self-contradicting phrase in the biography. You say that his cloak "shadows where he walks," which seems blatanlty obvious, but that may be because you are not saying what you mean it to say. What exactly do you mean by "shadowing where he walks"? I'm assuming you mean to say something like hiding his footsteps. If it means anything aside from the obvious, merely casting shadows behind him, you not only need to describe what the cloak actually does, but also where, how, why, etc. about how he got it.
You also mention that he has a "scratch-like scar" and a tattoo on his back. The what, where, when, why, and hows about both are an absolute necessity. If you found them significant enough to mention, there must be something about them worth saying. Say it.
The sword also has so many problems with it, the whos, whats, whens, wheres, whys, and hows, not withstanding. What do you mean that its "traditionally a fire weapon," and that it is "controlled by the cycles of the moon"? All this is just mentioned, but not explained in the very least. What the hell does it mean its a fusion weapon? And what does it have to do with a dragon?
You must also tell us how and why he became deaf, and why he doesn't like cold weather. All this should, and MUST be in the bio, not only for clearity's sake, but because everything you describe is just stuff without any reasoning behind it.
And for god's sake, check your spelling and grammar. It is by far, the worst I've seen in a long time.
SUMMARY:
-Rearrange weaknesses and weaknesses
-Seperate bio into paragraphs and break up sentences as appropriate
-Provide a setting/context for this bio
-Fill in multiple plot holes
-Work on building up the character's personality
-Repair spelling and grammar
Until then...
...Approval Pending
First off, you gotta rearrange the strengths and weaknesses. I really don't see why his deafness would be listed under strengths and his physical prowess for long, drawn-out fights should be listed under weaknesses. Also, it's almost required that some of the weaknesses be personality based and tied to the character's bio.
And now the bio...
...the bio...
First thing I'll say, use paragraphs, they break up the text and keeps the reader from losing interest and break up your sentences, a lot of them should, by all right, be seperated into two or even three individual sentences. Hell, some of them seem to be two sentences and are just missing a period between them.
You provide no setting at all for this bio. While most of this bio seems to be set in the medieval era, portions also seem to resemble the 19th century with the Oliver Twist-type orphanage setting. Also because the age of maturity at eighteen years is a relatively new idea; in the middle ages, it wasn't odd for a young man to be on his own by his early teens. Hell, it was odd for a girl not to be married with kids by the time she was 20. So you must definitely provide context, a historical/social background for this entire story.
Now, the first paragraph is completely unnecessary, at least at the point you inserted it. Where it should go, I'll tell later.
Some of that "mystery," like why his mother died, should be removed and replaced with concrete details. Your character may not know what happened, but you do, and we need to know.
Some of the beginning is self contradictory, i.e.
Show it, don't just say it. Saying it is boring, but if you show it, you put things in context and it justifies the chracter's actions and emotions later on.
he had a father that loved him but Firon knew that he didn’t want him to be his son and knew deep down that his father hated him
his father had committed suicide he didn’t care yet he was saddened for what he had learnt form him but was more relieved than anything
if he didn't care, He wouldn't feel one way or the other about if. While one can feel sad with a tinge of relief, it self-contradicting to not care, but at the same time feel anything else.
And some are just plain confusing
it seems highly unlikely that one could be considered a swordsman at two years old, especially when apprenticing and instruction would more likely begin at five or six years old.
with his fathers help he was a 4th year swards man at the age of 6
All that needs to be cleared up, dramatically.
You say that he feels like an outcast in the orphanage for being so different yet you never tell us HOW he is different. Is his personality different? Is he physically different? You tell us absolutely nothing about this, so none of us know how we should feel about him. You give no description of the orphanage, so we don't know why Firon would hate it so much that he would think that any place is better than the orphanage. You also give no description of his life at Torrance' home.
You also fail to give any background on the egg and how Torrance would have come across it and why he would give it to Firon. THen you have this,
and realised that he now never be cold as salamanders are like natural heaters that move
WTF? is all I can say. It means nothing.
You don't say anything about the salamander and why he talks at all, and why Firon doesnt find it surprising in the least.
Your reason for why Torrance could teach Firon more than his father doesn't explain it in the least. We all know shoing horses wasn't the only thing a blacksmith did. They made all sorts of things from iron, but that alone doesn't say that Torrance had any interest or knowledge in swordfighting or combat at all, and that's assuming you meant combat skills. The sentences therabouts are confusing as it seems unsure about what its describing.
And the ending has just so much wrong with it.
At the beginning of the bio you tell us that Firon was unhappy with his father, and with his life up to the point of his father's death. Why then would the destruction of his home town send him "into a blind fiery of rage and ascended to his complete power"??? Also, WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT POWER IN THE FIRST PLACE????? And Ascescion???? What the hell?? It just seems to come out of nowhere and just seems to become a "vitally important" plotpoint. You need to describe this power, which apparently had some basis earlier in his life. This MUST be corrected.
You then mention that his hometown was destroyed by a fireball. WHY? Where did this fireball come from and why???? We don't care if the character doesn't know, but such a huge plot hole is unacceptable in a character bio.
This is directly related to the above point. What is this power??? And how exactly is it a curse? You seem to assume that everyone knows this power intimately, but we know nothing at all about it.
Once he had descended and cooled of a bit he now realised to how special and gifted he really was and that his greatest power was also a curse and was to be used only in the most needed and extreme of circumstances
Firon became a shadow in the town that he knew so much of, much of it had been burnt to a crisp but no one had died, Silver got praise for this, because salamanders have healing qualities.
...How exactly did Silver get praise for people not dying if he was with Firon in the next valley when the town was destroyed????? And what is this about Firon becoming a shadow in the town? Do you mean that he snuck around the town or something? If so, WHY???
After the town had recovered and Firon had some time to reflect on what had had happened, Firon realised that he had been consumed by hatred, envy and evilness. So he stayed with his close friends and was suspected by others to be doing the work of the devil.
...What exactly do you mean he was consumed by hatred, envy, and evilness? How the heck did that come up at all? His town was destroyed and he got angry, but how does that relate to everything you describe? And why do people suspect he was doing the work of the devil? Its one more item you describe that comes out of nowhere with not basis or background to support it in the least.
Also, despite everything you wrote, it may be because you didn't mention it or because it just got lost in so much self-contradiction, but you gave no sense of who Firon is as a person. Apparently he gets angry easily, but that's really all. He has no real personality, and remains just a paper-thin character in an overly-contradictory and convoluted biography.
Now, in your Section I, you have so much described without basis in the biography. If both his parents were human, for which you give no evidence agains, how the heck is Firon a "Human Fire," as you call him? Also, how can he not be athletic, then go on to describe him as "well built" and "very fit"?? One more self-contradicting phrase in the biography. You say that his cloak "shadows where he walks," which seems blatanlty obvious, but that may be because you are not saying what you mean it to say. What exactly do you mean by "shadowing where he walks"? I'm assuming you mean to say something like hiding his footsteps. If it means anything aside from the obvious, merely casting shadows behind him, you not only need to describe what the cloak actually does, but also where, how, why, etc. about how he got it.
You also mention that he has a "scratch-like scar" and a tattoo on his back. The what, where, when, why, and hows about both are an absolute necessity. If you found them significant enough to mention, there must be something about them worth saying. Say it.
The sword also has so many problems with it, the whos, whats, whens, wheres, whys, and hows, not withstanding. What do you mean that its "traditionally a fire weapon," and that it is "controlled by the cycles of the moon"? All this is just mentioned, but not explained in the very least. What the hell does it mean its a fusion weapon? And what does it have to do with a dragon?
You must also tell us how and why he became deaf, and why he doesn't like cold weather. All this should, and MUST be in the bio, not only for clearity's sake, but because everything you describe is just stuff without any reasoning behind it.
And for god's sake, check your spelling and grammar. It is by far, the worst I've seen in a long time.
SUMMARY:
-Rearrange weaknesses and weaknesses
-Seperate bio into paragraphs and break up sentences as appropriate
-Provide a setting/context for this bio
-Fill in multiple plot holes
-Work on building up the character's personality
-Repair spelling and grammar
Until then...
...Approval Pending
#3
Guest_Mirlin_*
Guest_Mirlin_*
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- Guests
Posted 03 July 2005 - 08:09 AM
PART I
Name: Firon.
Race: Human.
Gender: Male.
Age: 16.
Height: 5’9.
Weight: 55kgs.
Hair: Long slivery `w natural black highlights.
Skin Colour: Natural White and a crimson reddish blue, this is because of his scales.
Eye Colour: One a vivid red with a flickering silver highlight, the other an electrifying multicoloured Blue
Build: Lean, athletic well built and very fit and he is Ambidextrous, but preferring the right hand during combat.
Clothing: Firon has a large cloak with a hood. Black and Blood Red in colour; shadowing to where he walks this allows him to be untraceable.
Interesting physical marks: Scratch like Scar across face; caused by a fighting injury.
Dragon scales on his neck. He also has tattoo of a fire dragon covering all of his back, curving down him arms. Firon was born with the tattoo and it has grown as he has.
Origin: N/A
PART II
Weapon: Long Sword, The sword of Fire is traditionally a fire weapon, made form the finest materials and is virtually indestructible; is also blood red in colour. Firon has adapted skills with all weaponry but is more adapt with the long sword as he has superb sword handling skill.
Strengths & Abilities: Firon is quick handed and has superb sword handling skills with any type/style of swords and most weapons but prefers the long sword. Fusion a rear and unknown ability.
Weaknesses: Firon is suited to the desert arid and hot areas of anywhere, hates the cold and so does his body so always seen waring a long thick trench coat if the temperature is below 25. So Firon is always on the move. Firon enjoys a good fight physically adapt to prolonged fights. He is almost completely deaf 100% in one ear and 65% in the other, so has learnt to body/lip-read.
PART III
Biography: Firon is best suited to the desert arid and hot areas of the worlds and hates the cold really hates it, maybe that’s because of his element of fire but no one really knows. Rain is one climate condition that he enjoys.
Firon believes that living a life of solitude is better than living a life of dependence, depending on others will only lead to your down fall, so is forever on the move never staying too long in the same city or town, or getting to know people as friends only as acquaintances.
Born with a special gift of fusion for people that are born with the distinct features scales on the neck and with a tattoo that does age with the individual allows them to fuse with their distinctive tattoo and become their true ultimate form, they become highly destructive if they haven’t gained complete control of their emotions. Firon doesn’t like to fuse if he dose not need to, because he has no control of the fully formed dragon, as everything is destroyed, in the sounding area.
When his father had the time from second watchmen he help Firon continue his trainings of weaponry and was Adapt at various levels with different styles of weaponry, at the young age of 7. Even though he enjoyed his fathers’ instruction Firon felt that he was out growing his father in knowledge of weapons and weaponry; so did his father but they never told each other.
So after a long out drawn discussion with his parents Firon was aloud to begin work at a blacksmiths. Even though they didn’t want him to go there wasn’t anything of interest in their home town that could quench Firon’s thirst for knowledge of war.
The town that Firon was to travel to was just more than a week’s travel, if he went directly for the indirect root would take more than a fortnight, as it’s the long way round its following the valleys floor and twisting and curving through the out lying rim; as the direct root was just that bit harder to travel but was by far the easiest because the paths that Firon would be travelling would be by way of the crow from a to b so to speak.
He set off to begin his new life; the trip was uneventful but enjoyable never the less. After arriving at his to be new home he went and inquired about working for the local black smiths.
He was giving the opportunity by Torrance the owner, and he quickly noticed that Firon was quick handed but also had a significant eye for detail. Firstly he knew that there was no place for him to stay so Torrance and his wife Pam asked Firon if he would like to stay with them Firon jumped at he idea because he thought that anywhere would be better than now where.
So at the age of 8 Firon was now living in a place that he could call home when he moved in Torrance and Pam they handed him a rather lage and reddened coloured egg, which for him was strange so he asked them about what could it be and Torrance told him that it had arrived shortly before he had and as they were getting old they couldn’t be looking after what was inside. Firon accepted it and after caring for it over months it hatched and from that hatched a salamander, Firon was shocked but was happy because he had read about them, and had always wanted one.
Days passed and Firon named the salamander, they did everything together and slowly Silver started to talk so Firon nurtured this quality because Firon believed that it might be good for someone to talk to instead of a wall.
One thing that amazed Firon about Silver being a salamander is that salamanders even though powerful at birth are just stupid and as that is seen as a negative being powerful with no brains to use it. As they get older and wiser to their power Firon knew that it would be better to be friends and have some control of Silver because he knew more than the average person about then like that they admit a misted glow has healing qualities.
Firon began to get to know people in the town. He enjoyed working with his ‘adopted’ father in the workshop because as much as his real father had taught him about fighting Torrance could teach him more because of his job as a black smith, because forging and shaping iron with a hammer and anvil is an art form; as there is so much that can go wrong but for thoughts that can really appreciate how things are made from iron like Firon it becomes a whole other world.
While staying with the Smiths Firon always kept quite always did as he was asked and never spoke out of line. Firon practiced and trained with Sliver on a daily basis with all types of weapons swords mostly.
The years passed as Firon got to know people in the town he became well known, and well liked. Not everyone realised his gift now even him a few did but not every one.
He received news through his connections that many towns and his home town to where his parents are were decimated by a fire ball, apparently caused by a disgruntled mage. He went into a blind fiery of rage and ascended to his complete power. Once he had descended he now realised to how special and gifted he really was and that his greatest power was also a curse; a curse because he had lost control of all his emotions and knew that it would take a lot for him to achieve complete control of him self let alone a dragon, so his power would have to be suppressed to the best of his abilities and to be used only in the most needed and extreme of circumstances.
After he had recovered, Firon became a shadow in the town that he knew so much of, much of it had been burnt to a crisp but no one had died, Silver got praise for this, because salamanders have healing qualities. But everyone was still worried to who was decimating towns and could that person destroy their town so Firon vowed to stop or kill who ever it was. After the town had recovered and Firon had some time to reflect on what had had happened, Firon realised that he had been consumed by hatred, greed and unscrupulousness, because he wanted revenge but more than just that he wanted complete and utter control of everything that he desired.
So instead of staying with his close friends he set off into the distance in search of his desires because he could no longer stay in the town for the majority of towns’ people suspected him to be doing the work of the devil; and living in a town where everybody cowers when you walk by is not a town to live in. As he said his fair wells he felt no sorrow for what he had done to the town, it wasn’t his fault he destroyed everything. Before he finally left Torrance handed him a tri egged fire long sword Firon knew that it once belonged to Torrance’s Grand Father and had been told never to touch it because it was special in a way that no one knew. Torrance gave it to him and said that he was to be treasured as though it were human. Firon thought it was strange but followed his wishes.
Name: Firon.
Race: Human.
Gender: Male.
Age: 16.
Height: 5’9.
Weight: 55kgs.
Hair: Long slivery `w natural black highlights.
Skin Colour: Natural White and a crimson reddish blue, this is because of his scales.
Eye Colour: One a vivid red with a flickering silver highlight, the other an electrifying multicoloured Blue
Build: Lean, athletic well built and very fit and he is Ambidextrous, but preferring the right hand during combat.
Clothing: Firon has a large cloak with a hood. Black and Blood Red in colour; shadowing to where he walks this allows him to be untraceable.
Interesting physical marks: Scratch like Scar across face; caused by a fighting injury.
Dragon scales on his neck. He also has tattoo of a fire dragon covering all of his back, curving down him arms. Firon was born with the tattoo and it has grown as he has.
Origin: N/A
PART II
Weapon: Long Sword, The sword of Fire is traditionally a fire weapon, made form the finest materials and is virtually indestructible; is also blood red in colour. Firon has adapted skills with all weaponry but is more adapt with the long sword as he has superb sword handling skill.
Strengths & Abilities: Firon is quick handed and has superb sword handling skills with any type/style of swords and most weapons but prefers the long sword. Fusion a rear and unknown ability.
Weaknesses: Firon is suited to the desert arid and hot areas of anywhere, hates the cold and so does his body so always seen waring a long thick trench coat if the temperature is below 25. So Firon is always on the move. Firon enjoys a good fight physically adapt to prolonged fights. He is almost completely deaf 100% in one ear and 65% in the other, so has learnt to body/lip-read.
PART III
Biography: Firon is best suited to the desert arid and hot areas of the worlds and hates the cold really hates it, maybe that’s because of his element of fire but no one really knows. Rain is one climate condition that he enjoys.
Firon believes that living a life of solitude is better than living a life of dependence, depending on others will only lead to your down fall, so is forever on the move never staying too long in the same city or town, or getting to know people as friends only as acquaintances.
Born with a special gift of fusion for people that are born with the distinct features scales on the neck and with a tattoo that does age with the individual allows them to fuse with their distinctive tattoo and become their true ultimate form, they become highly destructive if they haven’t gained complete control of their emotions. Firon doesn’t like to fuse if he dose not need to, because he has no control of the fully formed dragon, as everything is destroyed, in the sounding area.
When his father had the time from second watchmen he help Firon continue his trainings of weaponry and was Adapt at various levels with different styles of weaponry, at the young age of 7. Even though he enjoyed his fathers’ instruction Firon felt that he was out growing his father in knowledge of weapons and weaponry; so did his father but they never told each other.
So after a long out drawn discussion with his parents Firon was aloud to begin work at a blacksmiths. Even though they didn’t want him to go there wasn’t anything of interest in their home town that could quench Firon’s thirst for knowledge of war.
The town that Firon was to travel to was just more than a week’s travel, if he went directly for the indirect root would take more than a fortnight, as it’s the long way round its following the valleys floor and twisting and curving through the out lying rim; as the direct root was just that bit harder to travel but was by far the easiest because the paths that Firon would be travelling would be by way of the crow from a to b so to speak.
He set off to begin his new life; the trip was uneventful but enjoyable never the less. After arriving at his to be new home he went and inquired about working for the local black smiths.
He was giving the opportunity by Torrance the owner, and he quickly noticed that Firon was quick handed but also had a significant eye for detail. Firstly he knew that there was no place for him to stay so Torrance and his wife Pam asked Firon if he would like to stay with them Firon jumped at he idea because he thought that anywhere would be better than now where.
So at the age of 8 Firon was now living in a place that he could call home when he moved in Torrance and Pam they handed him a rather lage and reddened coloured egg, which for him was strange so he asked them about what could it be and Torrance told him that it had arrived shortly before he had and as they were getting old they couldn’t be looking after what was inside. Firon accepted it and after caring for it over months it hatched and from that hatched a salamander, Firon was shocked but was happy because he had read about them, and had always wanted one.
Days passed and Firon named the salamander, they did everything together and slowly Silver started to talk so Firon nurtured this quality because Firon believed that it might be good for someone to talk to instead of a wall.
One thing that amazed Firon about Silver being a salamander is that salamanders even though powerful at birth are just stupid and as that is seen as a negative being powerful with no brains to use it. As they get older and wiser to their power Firon knew that it would be better to be friends and have some control of Silver because he knew more than the average person about then like that they admit a misted glow has healing qualities.
Firon began to get to know people in the town. He enjoyed working with his ‘adopted’ father in the workshop because as much as his real father had taught him about fighting Torrance could teach him more because of his job as a black smith, because forging and shaping iron with a hammer and anvil is an art form; as there is so much that can go wrong but for thoughts that can really appreciate how things are made from iron like Firon it becomes a whole other world.
While staying with the Smiths Firon always kept quite always did as he was asked and never spoke out of line. Firon practiced and trained with Sliver on a daily basis with all types of weapons swords mostly.
The years passed as Firon got to know people in the town he became well known, and well liked. Not everyone realised his gift now even him a few did but not every one.
He received news through his connections that many towns and his home town to where his parents are were decimated by a fire ball, apparently caused by a disgruntled mage. He went into a blind fiery of rage and ascended to his complete power. Once he had descended he now realised to how special and gifted he really was and that his greatest power was also a curse; a curse because he had lost control of all his emotions and knew that it would take a lot for him to achieve complete control of him self let alone a dragon, so his power would have to be suppressed to the best of his abilities and to be used only in the most needed and extreme of circumstances.
After he had recovered, Firon became a shadow in the town that he knew so much of, much of it had been burnt to a crisp but no one had died, Silver got praise for this, because salamanders have healing qualities. But everyone was still worried to who was decimating towns and could that person destroy their town so Firon vowed to stop or kill who ever it was. After the town had recovered and Firon had some time to reflect on what had had happened, Firon realised that he had been consumed by hatred, greed and unscrupulousness, because he wanted revenge but more than just that he wanted complete and utter control of everything that he desired.
So instead of staying with his close friends he set off into the distance in search of his desires because he could no longer stay in the town for the majority of towns’ people suspected him to be doing the work of the devil; and living in a town where everybody cowers when you walk by is not a town to live in. As he said his fair wells he felt no sorrow for what he had done to the town, it wasn’t his fault he destroyed everything. Before he finally left Torrance handed him a tri egged fire long sword Firon knew that it once belonged to Torrance’s Grand Father and had been told never to touch it because it was special in a way that no one knew. Torrance gave it to him and said that he was to be treasured as though it were human. Firon thought it was strange but followed his wishes.
#4
DarkJuno
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- Members
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- 8,966 posts
Lord of the Foys
- Location:The News Desk with the rest of the NRR Crew
- Gender:Male
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Posted 06 July 2005 - 11:46 PM
Oy.
First of, just nitpicking, but good grief, use the f'n spelling and grammar check - the latter is normally worthless but in this case anything is an improvement. Have you even passed Second Grade English?
That said, I'm reading this as a new submission and despite having read the initial one, but it needs a lot of work. A lot. I agree with essentially everything DL said - these are all just facts and events, with little story to back them up. Look, I'd give examples, but frankly, everything in the bio has to be changed, from the top to the bottom. You have the basic skeletal structure here, and the beginnings of a story, but even then, it's confusing and just hard to follow. I had to re-read several parts of this to try and make sense of it, and even now, I'm still a little lost on a few points here and there. Look, I'm glad that you've somewhat expanded your bio, but that's just not enough. You must flesh out the events you describe with more detail, to make them vivid and jump out at the person reading the submission, and ultimately make him or her care about the character - that is, they should care about the story of the character.
Still, it wouldn't hurt to incorporate the strength and weaknesses into bio some more, as they're connected only tokenly, at best. Honestly, I don't even know where to start here because there's so much that's just...wrong. Start off by fixing the basic structure of your submission and bio first, by properly setting up the skeleton of it up. After that, we can slowly start to work with you bit by bit.
Start working.
First of, just nitpicking, but good grief, use the f'n spelling and grammar check - the latter is normally worthless but in this case anything is an improvement. Have you even passed Second Grade English?
That said, I'm reading this as a new submission and despite having read the initial one, but it needs a lot of work. A lot. I agree with essentially everything DL said - these are all just facts and events, with little story to back them up. Look, I'd give examples, but frankly, everything in the bio has to be changed, from the top to the bottom. You have the basic skeletal structure here, and the beginnings of a story, but even then, it's confusing and just hard to follow. I had to re-read several parts of this to try and make sense of it, and even now, I'm still a little lost on a few points here and there. Look, I'm glad that you've somewhat expanded your bio, but that's just not enough. You must flesh out the events you describe with more detail, to make them vivid and jump out at the person reading the submission, and ultimately make him or her care about the character - that is, they should care about the story of the character.
Still, it wouldn't hurt to incorporate the strength and weaknesses into bio some more, as they're connected only tokenly, at best. Honestly, I don't even know where to start here because there's so much that's just...wrong. Start off by fixing the basic structure of your submission and bio first, by properly setting up the skeleton of it up. After that, we can slowly start to work with you bit by bit.
Start working.
#5
Guest_Mirlin_*
Guest_Mirlin_*
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- Guests
Posted 14 July 2005 - 08:46 PM
PART 1
Name: Firon.
Race: Human.
Gender: Male.
Age: 16.
Height: 5’9.
Weight: 55kgs.
Hair: Long slivery `w natural black highlights.
Skin Colour: Given that he has scales, natural White and crimson reddish blue.
Eye Colour: One a vivid red with a flickering silver highlight, the other an electrifying multicoloured Blue
Build: Lean, athletic well built and very fit and he is Ambidextrous, but preferring the right hand during combat.
Clothing: Firon has a large cloak with a hood. Black and Blood Red in colour; shadowing to where he walks this allows him to be untraceable.
Interesting physical marks: Scratch like Scar across face; caused by a fighting injury.
Dragon scales on his neck. He also has tattoo of a fire dragon covering all of his back, curving down him arms. Firon was born with the tattoo and it has grown as he has.
Origin: N/A
PART II
Weapon: Long Sword, The sword of Fire is traditionally a fire weapon, made form the finest materials and is virtually indestructible; is also blood red in colour. Firon has adapted skills with all weaponry but is more adapt with the long sword as he has superb sword handling skill.
Strengths & Abilities: Firon is quick handed and has superb sword handling skills with any type/style of swords and most weapons but prefers the long sword, and having a rear and unknown ability, of fusion.
Weaknesses: Firon is suited to the desert arid and hot areas of anywhere, hates the cold and so does his body so always seen waring a long thick trench coat if the temperature is below 25. So Firon is always on the move. Firon enjoys a good fight physically adapt to prolonged fights. He is almost completely deaf 100% in one ear and 65% in the other, so has learnt to body/lip-read.
PART III
Bio:
Firon is best suited to the desert arid and hot areas of the worlds and hates the cold really hates it, maybe that’s because of his element of fire but no one really knows. Rain is the one climate condition that he enjoys.
Firon believes that living a life of solitude is better than living a life of dependence. Depending on others will only lead to your down fall, so he is forever on the move, never staying too long in the same city or town, never getting to know people as friends. He only has acquaintances.
He was born with a special gift of fusion. People who are born with the special gift of fusion and the distinct features scales on the neck and with a tattoo that does age with the individual allows them to fuse with their distinctive tattoo.
They become their true and ultimate form. If they haven’t gained complete control of their emotions; they become highly destructive. Firon doesn’t like to fuse if he does not need to, because he has no control of the fully formed dragon he becomes, as everything around him near and outlying area is destroyed.
When his father had time off from his job as second watchman, he would help Firon continue his training in weaponry as he was very adept at the various levels using different styles of weaponry; from the young age of 7. Even though he enjoyed his father’s instruction Firon so on felt he was out-growing his father in knowledge of weapons and weaponry. So did his father but neither man told the other.
During dinner one evening Firon and is parents had a long out drawn discussion about Firon’s quest for the sword. Firon was allowed to begin work at the local blacksmiths, in the neighbouring town. Even though they didn’t want him to go there wasn’t anything of interest in their home town that could quench Firon’s thirst for knowledge of weaponry and war.
The town that Firon was to travel to was just more than a week’s walk, if he went directly there. The indirect root would take more than a fortnight, as it’s the long way round following the valley floor and twisting and curving through the out lying-rim. The direct root was just that bit harder to travel but was by far the easiest because the paths that Firon would be travelling would be by way of the crow.
He set off to begin his new life. The trip was uneventful but enjoyable nevertheless. Arriving at his new home immediately inquired about working for the local black smiths.
He was giving the opportunity to work by Torrance the owner, who quickly noticed that Firon was quick, handed with a significant eye for detail. Knowing that there was no local accommodation for Firon to stay at; Torrance and his wife Pam asked Firon if he would like to stay with them. Firon jumped at the idea because he thought that anywhere would be better than now where.
So at the age of 9 Firon was now living in another place that he could call home. When he moved in with Torrance and Pam they handed him a large and reddened coloured egg. He thought this to be rather strange so he asked them about it. Torrance told him that it had arrived shortly before he had and as they were getting old they couldn’t be looking after whatever was inside. Firon accepted the egg. After caring for it over months it hatched and out clambered a salamander, Firon was shocked but was happy because he had read about them, and had secretly always wanted one. Days passed and Firon named the salamander Sliver. They did everything together and slowly Silver started to talk, babble at first, then words and short sentences. Firon nurtured this quality believing that it might be good to have someone or something to talk to instead of the wall. One thing that amazed Firon about Silver being a salamander was that salamanders, even though powerful at birth, are just stupid. I was a conundrum and a negative, power without brains.
As they get older and wiser to their power Firon knew that it would be better to be friends and have some control of Silver because he would know more than the average person in time, things like the healing qualities of a misty glow.
Firon began to get to know people in the town. He enjoyed working with his ‘adopted’ father in the workshop because, though his real father had taught him much about fighting. Torrance could teach him more again as a black smith, forging and shaping iron with a hammer and anvil. It’s an art form where so much that is and can go wrong. But he has his thoughts and is capable of really appreciating how things are made from iron. For Firon it becomes a whole new other world.
While staying with the Smiths Firon always kept quiet always did as he was asked and never spoke out of line. Firon practiced and trained with Sliver on a daily basis, as he did with all types of weapons with in the black smiths’ especially with the swords.
The years passed as Firon got to know people in the town, and became well known, and well liked. Not everyone realised his gift of fusion. Firon knew that he was special but didn’t know how special he truly was; there were a select few in the town who knew about Firon gift.
He received news through his connections that many towns including his home town were decimated by a fire ball, apparently caused by a disgruntled mage. He went into a blind fiery rage and ascended to his complete power. Once he had descended he realised how special and gifted he really was and that his greatest power was also a curse; a curse because he had lost control of all his emotions and knew that it would take a measure for him to achieve complete control of him, self let alone a dragon. He knew his power would have to be suppressed and to be used only in the most needed and extreme of circumstances.
After he had recovered, Firon became a shadow in the town he knew so well. Much of it had been burnt to a crisp but there was no loss of life, Silver was highly praise for this, because of his healing qualities. But everyone was still worried, as who was annihilating nearby towns. Could that person destroy their town? Firon vowed to stop or kill who ever was responsible. After the town had recovered some what and Firon had time to reflect on what had had happened, he came to realise that he had been consumed by hatred, greed and unscrupulousness, filled with revenge, but more than just that he, had wanted complete and utter control of everything he desired, being deaf from birth didn’t help.
Instead of staying with his close friends, and family, he set off into the distance in search of his desires. He could no longer stay in the town for the majority of the towns people suspected him of doing the work of the devil and living in a town where everybody cowers when you walk by is not a town to live in. He said his fare wells he felt no sorrow for what he had done to the town. It wasn’t his fault he destroyed everything. He did not choose the destruction it had overcame him but he couldn’t explain such a thing. Before leaving Torrance had handed him a tri-egged fire long sword Firon knew that it once belonged to Torrance’s Grand father and with strict instructions never to touch it because it was special in a way that no one knew. Torrance gave it to him and said that he was to be treasured as though it were human. Firon thought it was strange but vowed to follow his wishes.
Name: Firon.
Race: Human.
Gender: Male.
Age: 16.
Height: 5’9.
Weight: 55kgs.
Hair: Long slivery `w natural black highlights.
Skin Colour: Given that he has scales, natural White and crimson reddish blue.
Eye Colour: One a vivid red with a flickering silver highlight, the other an electrifying multicoloured Blue
Build: Lean, athletic well built and very fit and he is Ambidextrous, but preferring the right hand during combat.
Clothing: Firon has a large cloak with a hood. Black and Blood Red in colour; shadowing to where he walks this allows him to be untraceable.
Interesting physical marks: Scratch like Scar across face; caused by a fighting injury.
Dragon scales on his neck. He also has tattoo of a fire dragon covering all of his back, curving down him arms. Firon was born with the tattoo and it has grown as he has.
Origin: N/A
PART II
Weapon: Long Sword, The sword of Fire is traditionally a fire weapon, made form the finest materials and is virtually indestructible; is also blood red in colour. Firon has adapted skills with all weaponry but is more adapt with the long sword as he has superb sword handling skill.
Strengths & Abilities: Firon is quick handed and has superb sword handling skills with any type/style of swords and most weapons but prefers the long sword, and having a rear and unknown ability, of fusion.
Weaknesses: Firon is suited to the desert arid and hot areas of anywhere, hates the cold and so does his body so always seen waring a long thick trench coat if the temperature is below 25. So Firon is always on the move. Firon enjoys a good fight physically adapt to prolonged fights. He is almost completely deaf 100% in one ear and 65% in the other, so has learnt to body/lip-read.
PART III
Bio:
Firon is best suited to the desert arid and hot areas of the worlds and hates the cold really hates it, maybe that’s because of his element of fire but no one really knows. Rain is the one climate condition that he enjoys.
Firon believes that living a life of solitude is better than living a life of dependence. Depending on others will only lead to your down fall, so he is forever on the move, never staying too long in the same city or town, never getting to know people as friends. He only has acquaintances.
He was born with a special gift of fusion. People who are born with the special gift of fusion and the distinct features scales on the neck and with a tattoo that does age with the individual allows them to fuse with their distinctive tattoo.
They become their true and ultimate form. If they haven’t gained complete control of their emotions; they become highly destructive. Firon doesn’t like to fuse if he does not need to, because he has no control of the fully formed dragon he becomes, as everything around him near and outlying area is destroyed.
When his father had time off from his job as second watchman, he would help Firon continue his training in weaponry as he was very adept at the various levels using different styles of weaponry; from the young age of 7. Even though he enjoyed his father’s instruction Firon so on felt he was out-growing his father in knowledge of weapons and weaponry. So did his father but neither man told the other.
During dinner one evening Firon and is parents had a long out drawn discussion about Firon’s quest for the sword. Firon was allowed to begin work at the local blacksmiths, in the neighbouring town. Even though they didn’t want him to go there wasn’t anything of interest in their home town that could quench Firon’s thirst for knowledge of weaponry and war.
The town that Firon was to travel to was just more than a week’s walk, if he went directly there. The indirect root would take more than a fortnight, as it’s the long way round following the valley floor and twisting and curving through the out lying-rim. The direct root was just that bit harder to travel but was by far the easiest because the paths that Firon would be travelling would be by way of the crow.
He set off to begin his new life. The trip was uneventful but enjoyable nevertheless. Arriving at his new home immediately inquired about working for the local black smiths.
He was giving the opportunity to work by Torrance the owner, who quickly noticed that Firon was quick, handed with a significant eye for detail. Knowing that there was no local accommodation for Firon to stay at; Torrance and his wife Pam asked Firon if he would like to stay with them. Firon jumped at the idea because he thought that anywhere would be better than now where.
So at the age of 9 Firon was now living in another place that he could call home. When he moved in with Torrance and Pam they handed him a large and reddened coloured egg. He thought this to be rather strange so he asked them about it. Torrance told him that it had arrived shortly before he had and as they were getting old they couldn’t be looking after whatever was inside. Firon accepted the egg. After caring for it over months it hatched and out clambered a salamander, Firon was shocked but was happy because he had read about them, and had secretly always wanted one. Days passed and Firon named the salamander Sliver. They did everything together and slowly Silver started to talk, babble at first, then words and short sentences. Firon nurtured this quality believing that it might be good to have someone or something to talk to instead of the wall. One thing that amazed Firon about Silver being a salamander was that salamanders, even though powerful at birth, are just stupid. I was a conundrum and a negative, power without brains.
As they get older and wiser to their power Firon knew that it would be better to be friends and have some control of Silver because he would know more than the average person in time, things like the healing qualities of a misty glow.
Firon began to get to know people in the town. He enjoyed working with his ‘adopted’ father in the workshop because, though his real father had taught him much about fighting. Torrance could teach him more again as a black smith, forging and shaping iron with a hammer and anvil. It’s an art form where so much that is and can go wrong. But he has his thoughts and is capable of really appreciating how things are made from iron. For Firon it becomes a whole new other world.
While staying with the Smiths Firon always kept quiet always did as he was asked and never spoke out of line. Firon practiced and trained with Sliver on a daily basis, as he did with all types of weapons with in the black smiths’ especially with the swords.
The years passed as Firon got to know people in the town, and became well known, and well liked. Not everyone realised his gift of fusion. Firon knew that he was special but didn’t know how special he truly was; there were a select few in the town who knew about Firon gift.
He received news through his connections that many towns including his home town were decimated by a fire ball, apparently caused by a disgruntled mage. He went into a blind fiery rage and ascended to his complete power. Once he had descended he realised how special and gifted he really was and that his greatest power was also a curse; a curse because he had lost control of all his emotions and knew that it would take a measure for him to achieve complete control of him, self let alone a dragon. He knew his power would have to be suppressed and to be used only in the most needed and extreme of circumstances.
After he had recovered, Firon became a shadow in the town he knew so well. Much of it had been burnt to a crisp but there was no loss of life, Silver was highly praise for this, because of his healing qualities. But everyone was still worried, as who was annihilating nearby towns. Could that person destroy their town? Firon vowed to stop or kill who ever was responsible. After the town had recovered some what and Firon had time to reflect on what had had happened, he came to realise that he had been consumed by hatred, greed and unscrupulousness, filled with revenge, but more than just that he, had wanted complete and utter control of everything he desired, being deaf from birth didn’t help.
Instead of staying with his close friends, and family, he set off into the distance in search of his desires. He could no longer stay in the town for the majority of the towns people suspected him of doing the work of the devil and living in a town where everybody cowers when you walk by is not a town to live in. He said his fare wells he felt no sorrow for what he had done to the town. It wasn’t his fault he destroyed everything. He did not choose the destruction it had overcame him but he couldn’t explain such a thing. Before leaving Torrance had handed him a tri-egged fire long sword Firon knew that it once belonged to Torrance’s Grand father and with strict instructions never to touch it because it was special in a way that no one knew. Torrance gave it to him and said that he was to be treasured as though it were human. Firon thought it was strange but vowed to follow his wishes.
#6
DarkLink_14
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- Members
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- 169 posts
Scout
Posted 02 August 2005 - 11:59 PM
I apologize for the long delay in reviewing the submission.
While the submission is still riddled with problems, its good enough to just scrape by.
...reluctantly Approved
While the submission is still riddled with problems, its good enough to just scrape by.
...reluctantly Approved
