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[DarkJuno]

Official seats and ridiculous ads, all on the 36th Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

-normal intro-

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Millenia......Foyusa......Freaky Psychic Bird......and special correspondent Mai Shiranui......this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Rep...

GNE: Hold on...
Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: Erm, wha?
GNE: The network has decided that this show must become...more professional.
DJ: -rushes in- Hey, what are you talking about?
GNE: Well, ratings have been slipping, and as such this show must become serious...starting now.
DJ: I wasn't consulted on this at all!
GNE: Doesn't matter. You and Millenia now also have a dress code to follow, you'll se them in your dressing rooms.
DJ: But, but...
GNE: But nothing. You're the one who ended up in jail the last time, and we decided this show was way too carefree.
DJ: It wasn't my fault!
GNE: It never is. Roll it!

-No narration, and not the usual DJ: (N)RR theme - instead, it's a rather droll, boring song as the camera pans to the news desk, still at Balamb Garden. DJ is wearing a suit and has an awkward hairstyle, while Millenia is more then a little irritated in her dress suit.-

DJ: Hey all, and welcome to another edition of DJ: (N)R...erm, I mean, to the newest edition of "The Non-Roving Reporter." Like always, I'm your completely innocent host DJ, and right here is my news partner...
Millenia: Millenia! And over there at the letters' desk are, once more, DJ's old drinking buddies...

-letters desk-




Millenia: ...um...guys?
DJ: They were fired by the network, which had the bright idea to give us yet another re-tool. -grumbles-
Millenia: Aw man, it was bad enough I have to wear this....thing!
DJ: Tell me about it. -mumbles something incoherent- Anyway, I'd like to apologize right now for the mess last time, with myself being in jail for no apparent reason and whatnot. However, I do want to give a belated thanks to the staff here at Balamb Garden for allowing us to...
Millenia: Uh, Mai and I took care of the thank you's last time DJ.
DJ: Oh, uh, well then, did you explain about WHY we're here?
Millenia: Well...actually, I don't remember a thing. Last thing I remember was falling asleep at the end of the 34th Edition...then next thing I know, I was waking up at home, the day before we filmed last week. What happened to the Studio anyway?
DJ: Nothing...nothing at all...
Millenia: -raises eyebrow- Really now?
DJ: Yes...um, where IS Mai anyway?
Millenia: Same thing with your buddies, they thought she was too silly.
DJ: ...so it's just us?
Millenia: Don't rub it in...
DJ: -sigh- Well, I guess it's time for the news...

-news mode-

DJ: First up tonight, after some deliberation, the Final Fantasy Main Characters' Council has finally decided to indeed allow Ex Grand Summoner Yuna a spot on the main council, assigning her as the 11th chair. This comes at the opportune time, as the creation of the 12th chair is now inevitable, with the advent of Ivalice into the realm of the Final Fantasy main series. This effectively helps the void left by the fact that Vana'diel has no representation on the council due to its wide-open nature and would be too much of a headache to bother with.

Millenia: In other news, Kuja's maniacal bidding streak continues, as he has placed a 1,000,000 Gil bid on the mystical Hourglass of Time, which holds the insidious sands of time. This hourglass was discovered in the ruins of a castle in India, and unfortunately, those who found it where not a true archaeologist, but fallen treasure hunter Lara Croft. As such, it found its way to the lavender haired candidate's auction haunts, and as one would expect, he "simply could not resist bidding on such a fabulous item." This latest acquisition, which is sure to go unopposed, will add to his collection at the Desert Palace, which is either full of exquisite pieces from the past, or a ticking time bomb of cursed, fell items that's just asking for Armageddon.

DJ: Speaking of the elections, it's shown today that Kuja, UBA party member, and the SS candidate Mewtwo are dead even in the polls, which would obviously explain such dirty commercials like these two paid for by the League of Masculine Women, allies of the United Bishounen Association. First, we have the positive, Pro-Kuja ad.


-Nice, calm music played in the background-

Narrator: What does Galbadia need? It needs a man who's more then a politician...a friend of the people.

-shows Kuja happily walking and talking with some normal looking people-

...of all people.

-Kuja talking to and messing with people in the Midgar and Meltokio slums-

It needs a man who's served his country

-Kuja choking someone dressed (unconvincingly) as Nightmare

....a hard working man who knows his stuff.....

-Kuja sitting at a table looking busy and chatting with other people, who look like business associates. There are an awful lot of pie charts and whatnot around the table-

Candidate: And most importantly, Galbadia needs a President who has confidence and has good 'ol common sense.

Narrator: Kuja has served as a proper businessman for years, and now he takes his experience and expertise on work and people with him

-shots of the board room stuff again, plus some others like giving a speech to a cheering, enthusiastic crowd-

Not only is he a successful businessman, but he cares for the community and the world around him

-Some other shots of him helping "old ladies" cross the street, walking dogs, giving kids candy, playing softball with a suspiciously multi-ethnic bunch of Elementary school kids, sitting on a front porch drinking iced tea, baking cookies, etc.-

A brilliant man, he's spent years using his resources to help the world itself

-shots of him solving some long math equation as nerds clap and applause, throwing food at pathetic looking poor people who also clap, helping build a house, sewing, hugging kids, shooting rebels, mowing the Presidential Mansion's front lawn and stuff like that-

Kuja: -noticeably horribly out of character- I believe it's time for Galbadia to have a president who knows more then just law and business....we need a nation with good ol' fashioned values, and a leader to help reinstate those old traditions we all want and need

-Kuja is inexplicably surrounded by a bunch of overly happy and possibly high people all smiling and generally looking pleasant-

Together, we can make Galbadia great again!

-he and the people run a little ways from the camera and begin (badly) tossing a football around-

Narrator: Kuja - What Galbadia needs........

Paid for by the League of Masculine Women


Millenia: ...you've got to be kidding me.
DJ: Hmph, wait 'till you see the negative Ad...clone?

Clone: -unhappily dressed in a suit and punching buttons- I've got it Uncle DJ.
Millenia: Um...where'd she come from?
DJ: Eh, you don't have to worry about it...just roll it.


-Solemn, depressing sounding piano music in the background-

Narrator: Mewtwo says he's working for the good of Galbadia and the people's morality.....but why do his actions contradict that statement? Last year alone, the psychic Pokemon received over $1 Million in surely illegal contributions from the Society of Clubs and Bats, an organization infamous for participating in the disgusting sports of Seel Clubbing and Nun Kicking

-overly cheesy dramatization of "evil" looking people hitting stuffed animals with bats and 2 x 4's and kicking nuns off of "cliffs," really a table or a chair or something-

Indeed, this Pokemon has none of the scruples he claims, as he has been known to have dinner and probably more with the infamous "Independent Film Star" Mandi Toriti Tyshot. In fact, almost all of Mewtwo's campaign contributions come from the proceeds of these "Films" and "Videos," not to mention accepting cash contributions from the Accounting Offices of Valmar and Daos, which was involved in the energy scandal in Esthar last year.

-more of the dramatizations, with the evil people laughing and throwing money up in the air while stepping on little kids and baby Pokemon-

What's more, Mewtwo supports the heinous act of harsh punishment for the simplest acts....

-another dramatization-

Little Kid: -accidentally drops a candy wrapper-
"Mewtwo:" Hey, that's littering!
-begins to beat the little kid with a chair and shoves the unconscious body under the bushes....plus he takes the kid's lollipop and walks away laughing, to boot-

Narrator: Is this what we want for our country?

-Mewtwo throwing his head back and laughing, though an evil maniacal laugh that's obviously not his is inserted rather then his own-

Kuja: I hope not!

Narrator: That's right, Kuja wants a country of peace and prosperity once more.

-shots of a happy bunch of people raking the leaves and laughing-

....unlike Mewtwo, who wishes to let the country be less conservative in everything but law enforcement

-Same people as last time, but now they're all beating each other and fighting. There's also a "corpse" with a rake through its eyes laying in the middle of the place while a bunch of cannibals run over and drag it away, hooting happily-

After all, even Katz' Village has arrested Mewtwo for several unforgivable, immoral acts...

-shots of "Kuja" doing said things, like kicking little kids and running away from cops, etc.-

Mewtwo: If he's not good enough for those people, what makes you think he’s good enough for Galbadia?

-a shot of "Kuja" slowly facing the camera and looking evil, rubbing his paws evilly

Kuja: Wrong for pot smoking maniacs, wrong for the country.

Paid for by the League of Masculine Women


Millenia: ......
DJ: ...yeah...exactly. Whatever the case, time will tell how the psychic Pokemon will react to this, but suffice to say, it will not be pretty.

Millenia: Finally tonight, there's...ah crap, I can't take it anymore!
DJ: What?
Millenia: All this high and mighty crap, this just isn't us!
DJ: You got that right! So you know what? To hell with the network! Foyusa, FPB, Mai, get in here!

-DJ: -takes off his suit jacket and rips off the tie, as Mai slides in on top of the desk, followed by the Pokemon-

Millenia: Whoo! This is what I'm talking about! -rips off her own outfit, with her own normal outfit inexplicably being beneath it-
Mai: Hai! I like this job too much to just walk away!
Foyusa: Exactly, we're all in this together.
FPB: No matter what!
DJ: ...man that was cheesy. Still!
GNE: -walks in- Wait, you can't...
DJ: Oh yes we can! Mai?
Mai: Heehee, of course! Haaaaaa!!! -leaps off desk-
GNE: ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!! -runs away with Mai on his tail.
DJ: Heh, all right, we'll be back after this!








Millenia: ...uh, DJ, we don't have any commercials, because of the whole "serious" bit we had.
DJ: Oh...right. Um...anyone have anything that'll kill time?
Rinoa: -off screen- Well, we do!
Mai: -walking in with the GNE's tie- Nani?

-camera pans over to the side, where Squall is standing with Rinoa, who's cradling their baby in her arms. The crew rushes over, including the finally seen backstage crew of the three Female Stagehands, the clone, the Non-Cheesy Announcer, and random people-

Millenia: Awwwwwwwww, she's so cute! What's her name?
Rinoa: Well, it took us a bit of debating, but Squall and I decided to name her...Iris.
Female Stagehand #2: Iris Heartilly Leonhart?
Squall: Yes......
Mai: Hmm...Squall plus Rinoa equals Iris...as in the flower?
Rinoa: Oh, of course!
DJ: That's actually poetically cool, if you stop to bother thinking about it...
Squall: ...whatever.
Foyusa: Besides, what are the chances people are going to bother thinking that one over?
DJ: I suppose...
Clone: Heh, still, this little girl is going to grow up juuuuuust fine.
Selphie: -zooms into scene, the others following- Especially with Auntie Selphie around!
Squall: -groans and hold forehead-
Rinoa: -elbows Squall- Of course, she's lucky to have all her little uncles and aunties...
Clone: Just hope her uncles aren't psychopaths like mine...
DJ: Hey...
Mai: Still, congratulations you two! I'm sure she'll grow up to be a fine woman!
DJ: Indeed...
Rinoa: Heh, thanks everyone!
DJ: Well, I suppose we'll cut this short right now and end it...
Millenia: ...speaking of which, what're you going to do about the changes?
DJ: Hmm...I saw the designs for the set being built back at NRR Studios, and I admit, they're pretty nice...and the new name's a lot catchier...
FPB: ...so we'll take the new name and set but keep it the same?
DJ: Pretty much...
Foyusa: Works for me!
DJ: Anyway, for Millenia, Mai, Foyusa, Freaky Psychic Bird, and the rest of us here a The Non-Roving Reporter, we bid you all a sane and peaceful day.
The Crew: See ya!
Squall: -mumbles after black out- ...whatever.