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[DarkJuno]

An explanation, crazed tree huggers, and more, all on the 35th Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

-normal intro-

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Millenia......Foyusa......Freaky Psychic Bird......and special correspondent Mai Shiranui......this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter...

-swing into a slightly makeshift news desk set - obviously not at the NRR Studios, likely due to what happened last time around. Still, it works, albeit a little...off. For one thing, Millenia and Mai are together, and no sign of DJ-

Millenia: Hey everyone, and welcome back, finally, to another edition of DJ: (N)RR! Thanks for sticking with us everyone, and filling in for the......absent DJ is...
Mai: Me! Konnichiwa everyone!!!! And over at the letters' desk are...

-Letters' Desk-

Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: ...and FPB! At this point, I'd tell DJ he owes everyone an explanation for what happened last time, but...
Mai: Hai...DJ-chan is...late.
Millenia: Late? DJ and Squall landed themselves in jail!
Foyusa: Jail? What are they doing there?
Millenia: Eh, apparently, someone was bored and threw DJ in jail - Squall got dragged along inexplicably.
Mai: Oy, a pretty boy like Squall and a regular pretty DJ in jail? I'm scared...
Millenia: Ah don't worry, it's one of those fancy jails.

-inexplicable, random shot of DJ and Squall playing golf, albeit with chains around their legs-

DJ: Ha! I win!
Squall: ......whatever.

-studio-

Mai: Oh, then they should be fine!
Millenia: Yeah, but we have to fill in right now - those Cadets did a nice job of setting up our temporary studio here at Balamb Garden!
Mai: Hai...but, why are we here anyway? What exactly happened to DJ: (N)RR Studios?
Millenia: Got me!
Foyusa: Wow...they really don't remember anything...
FPB: I know...strange huh?
Millenia: Remember? What are you talking about?
Foyusa: Ah...
FPB: ...nothing.
Mai: Oh well! -shrug-
Millenia: Anyway, on with the news!

-news mode-

Millenia: First up tonight, controversy surrounds the recently launched, best selling Kuja Brand of Fine Underwear as it has been uncovered that all those lacey panties and silk boxers are being made by poor, malnourished, underage workers in a Midgar Slum sweatshop. Located in what was thought to be a totally decimated section of the city, where the plate had mysteriously dropped a few years earlier, the kids were working 16 hour days for little pay and the bare minimum of food. While Kuja himself was unavailable for interviews he has released a statement, er, stating that he had no idea this was being done, and swift fixes to this system shall be implemented immediately, including the halting of sales. Already, Kuja's popularity has dropped in the upcoming Galbadian Presidential election, though it remains to be seen exactly what his opponent, Mewtwo of the SS, will have to say about this.

Mai: On another front, The Planet Hillys has been named the #1 Vacation hotspot by several polls, which is a huge boost for the recently liberated planet. After suffering oppression and outright domination by the alien race known as the Domz through the puppet security team known as the Alpha Section, the planet has gone through a major overhaul as its governor has true power and has turned it back to the wonderland of natural beauty that it has always been. The number one attraction, surprisingly, are not the hovercraft races, but the sheer amount of animal life that can be photographed by anyone with a halfway decent camera.

Millenia: Meanwhile, the now militant environmental group, the Green Gaians, led by the slightly unstable Aeris Gainsbourough, has struck again, jumping the recent Cape Claw's Secret Fashion show and throwing galloons of paint onto the newly unveiled Fur Lined Lingerie collection, by Krystal. The crazed followers broke past security, nearly killing several people along the way as they ran, and proceeded to throw red paint onto all the models, as well as Krystal herself. While the designer herself has yet to comment, Aeris issued a statement expressing her outrage at the use of fur, and this was the last straw. She wrote in a letter to the press, "This is disgusting - while it's true that, in the end, all animals must return to the Lifestream, killing them prematurely for mere fashion is disgusting - Ms. Krystal herself, being of the vulpine breed, should know this. This is a warning to the world(s), to shape up or face the wrath of the Green Gaians!"
Mai: Hn...Aeris has been acting strange ever since she was revived...
Millenia: Yeah, it's like her head was screwed on wrong...

Mai: Anyway, finally tonight, the Annual "Hey, Look at my Blatant Cleavage!" Swimsuit and Talent Competition began its preliminary rounds today, starting things off in Spira. The H LamB C, of course, has been a very popular event ever since it began, and judges women not only on looks, but also on talent and the ability to carry one's self while only wearing said swimsuit. Today's winners will travel, along with other winners on the tour, to the finals at Costa del Sol. I'll personally be joining this one when it swings by Southtown!
Millenia: Ha! Then watch out sister, I'm going for this one as well!
Mai: Gladly Milly-chan! We'll be back after this!


-three dumb kids walking along a cliff, towards a cave-

DK#3: Eh, I don't know if we should be doing this guys...
DK#1: Actually, I agree!
DK#2: Bah, wusses! That over there is the Cave where you can get a mirror Class change...and I'm tired of being just a dinky swordswoman - I want to be a Dragoon!
DK#1: Well...if you think you should...
DK#2: Good!

-she tries to step forward, but inexplicably, Cecil from FFIV pops out-

Cecil: Hold on!
DK#2: Dude! It's Cecil!!!
DK#1: Tight!!!
DK#3: Sweet!!!
Cecil: Erm...yes, but, are you sure about this Miss? A class change is not always as easy to accomplish as those irritating Ivalicians make it seem, after all!
DK#2: Hell yeah! Now I'm going! -she runs-

-as one can expect, a huge explosion occurs, and out flies...a Chocobo-

Dumb Chocobo #2: !!!! Wark!!!!
Cecil: ...well, I warned you...
DC#2: ........
Cecil: So kids, be careful when you change classes! You might end up being something you don't like...
DK#1: Thanks Cecil!
All: And now we know!
DC#2: Kwee!!!


Millenia: Uh......
Mai: Strange...anyway, now it's time for...

-however, Mai is interrupted as a loud clap of thunder is heard-

Rinoa's Voice, screaming: AAAAAAAAARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHERE'S SQUALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????
Millenia: Gah! What's going on!?

-Irvine runs in, slightly singed from a Thundaga blast-

Irvine: Erm, sorry ya'll, but Rinoa's going into labor, and she's screamin' for her lover boy!
Mai: She's having the baby now!? Sugoi!
FPB: Not really Mai - Squall's still in jail, remember?
Irvine: What!? Squall's in jail?
Mai: Hai, he and DJ somehow ended up in there.
Irvine: Darn it, now what am I going to tell her?
Selphie's voice: Irvy!!! You found Squall yet?
Irvine: Ah, no! He's in jail!!!
Rinoa's Voice: He's WHERE!?!?!?!?!?

-at the pregnant woman's screaming, the sky grows dark as more low rumbles of thunder emit from the sky-

Millenia: Wow...a sorceress in labor is scary...
Foyusa: Even a nice one like Rinoa.
Irvine: -swallows hard- Well, you girls try to get both of them out, or else...
Rinoa: GAH!!!!!!!!
Irvine: Eh, coming!!!!

-Irvine runs off, as the camera moves over to the nearby window. Soon enough, Rinoa, being accompanied by Quistis, Selphie, Zell, and Irvine, as well as Dr. Kadowaki, all ducking from the irritated woman's bolt of magic-

Mai: -whistles- Squall's going to be in trouble...
Millenia: I'll say! Anyway, I think now's as good a time as any to sign off - we've got to find a way to get DJ and Squall out of jail so Squally can be with Rinoa for the birth of their daughter.
Mai: Aw, a baby girl?
Millenia: Yeah - no name yet though. Anyway, for Mai Shiranui, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird, I'm Millenia! See ya all next time!
Mai: Ja ne!

-the two get up and rush off before the credits roll-