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[DarkJuno]

Family trees, bad singing and more, here on the 33rd Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

-normal intro-

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Millenia...Foyusa...Freaky Psychic Bird...and special correspondent Mai Shiranui...this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter...

-news desk-

DJ: Hey everyone, and once again, welcome to another edition of DJ: (N)RR! Once more, I'm your Guard Impacting host DJ, joined here by my news partner...
Millenia: The crazy crimson-headed Millenia! HEY! Who wrote this!?
DJ: ...you did.
Millenia: Oh...right...anyway, over there at the letters' desk are everybody's favorite not so cleverly renamed characters...

-letters' desk-

Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: ...and FPB! GI eh DJ?
DJ: Bah...
Millenia: Heh, I bet you couldn't even Guard Impact me once outside of that game...
DJ: Let's just get on with it, shall we?

-news mode-

DJ: First up, it looks like the Leonhart family tree spreads its branches out further then we thought, as through a combination of looking through the books and DNA testing, it has now been confirmed that Balamb Garden SeeD Commander Squall Leonhart has a distant cousin in 1/3 of the Sphere Hunting group the Gullwings, Paine. Both sides, naturally, don't seem to actually care about the matter, though those close to them seem to be far more interested, as Squall's wife and friends have noted...

Rinoa: Well, even though he acts like he doesn't care, I'm sure Squall is at least a little interested. After all, it was him who first approached President Loire about his history and eventually got all of us digging through those books and his past.

Zell: Yeah! It's pretty awesome how someone like Squall could be related to a girl like Paine.

Selphie: Well, if you think about it, they DO act kinda the same...

Quistis: Yes, that's true, and Yuna almost looks like Squall's sister...

Irvine: But if THAT were true, then Rikku would also be Squall's cousin...

Selphie: Don't forget the rest of the Al Bhed! They'd be related to Squall too!

Rinoa: Hey, don't get carried off now...

Selphie: Nuh-uh, I'm going to check this out!

Irvine: I'm in Sefie! Let's research!

DJ: ...Squall replies with, "...Whatever..." Meanwhile, Paine replied with a similar "Meh..."
Millenia: Wait, you mean to tell me two characters from different games are related?
DJ: Yeah...it's not that strange, I mean, Kain and Cid are distant cousins as well, and don't forget about Vincent and Jill Valentine - they're also cousins.

Millenia: Mmm, right. Moving on, joy was spread in the Mushroom Kingdom as Princess Peach Toadstool was on hand to christen and open the brand new Hi Speed Racetrack, the first of its kind in the kingdom. This new track was created with the intent of being both a track for the Kingdom's famous Kart races as well as being able to turn into a massive outdoor concert area for performances and such. The arena opened with the opening race of the new Kart Championship Grand Prix, the Star Cup, which will soon enough travel to other parts of the Kingdom for the race. However, last night it was Koopa the Quick who came in first to grab an early lead in the total point standings.

DJ: Speaking of races, last night the "Sing Off" between F-Zero Grand Prix racers Jack Levin and Kate Allen took place, as the two are both former and still well known Pop Stars in their own right before becoming racers. This stems from an argument the two had a few weeks ago at the Port Town races where they compared album and merchandise sales data and decided to settle it with their own talents. Levin started the night with a rousing rendition of his mega hit "Moon and Sun," with Kate striking back with "Red Canyon Groove." The two continued back and forth into the night, leading to a no contest. Why? Well, check out this camera footage...

-inexplicably nice and non-grainy footage of the two singers/pilots, arguing in the ballroom of the hotel the F-Zero racers are all staying in-

Jack: All right Kate! Admit it, I'm the best - all my fans prove it!
Kate: Fans? Please, they're all just worried about your ego, nothing else..
Jack: Man, if you weren't a girl I'd slug you right now!
Kate: Bring it on pasty boy!

-loud booming as various angry F-Zero racers march in through the ballroom doors-

Jack: Eh? Oh, what, is there a meeting or something?
Pico: Yeah, a meeting to shut you two up!
Silver Neelson: You damn whippersnappers! the two of you hollerin' and screamin' is keepin' us all up!
Jody Summer: Yeah, some of us here need our sleep!

-crash of thunder as Deathborn appears in midair

Deathborn: Gah! All this...Pop "music" is getting on my nerves! YOU TWO DIE NOW!!!
Kate: Uh-oh...
Jack: Run!

-the two pop singers dash out the other doors, the other 39 racers angrily following-

DJ: Erm, yes, well, it should be reported that Jack Levin and Kate Allen were admitted to the local hospital with only minor injuries.

Millenia: Heh, well, finally tonight, Aeris Gainsbourough of the Environmentalist group the Green Gaians is at it again, this time protesting the building of a port on the shores of a natural harbor in the DK Archipelago. She states from her perch on a large tree on the main island, DK Country...

Aeris: It is completely irresponsible for a port to be built her on the pristine shores of an island! This is the home of several threatened species, and I'm surprised that no one else is bother by this development!

Millenia: That is likely because, according to the construction company, this building of a port, really nothing more then a glorified dock and shanty according to the plans, was called for by the Kong family itself, specifically Funky. It is said that the old Air/Land/Sea port was destroyed in King K. Rool's last unsuccessful attack on the island and he merely wants a newer, better one built. Even so, the militant Gaians are holed up on the island, despite DK himself trying to talk sense into them. More after this...


Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: Coming soon! It's time for fun, food, and excitement, as the 88th Annual Station Square Thanksgiving Day Parade is coming soon! With hosts DarkJuno, Millenia, and special guest Sophitia Alexandra, watch the age old tradition of the parade from the comfort of your own monitor!

-flashes of floats and stuff from last year are shown-

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: You'll only see it right here, so tune in Thanksgiving Day! See you soon!


DJ: Ah yeah, that's going to be fun again this year, right Millenia?
Millenia: It better be! Plus Mai won't be there to mess with my bandana again, like SHE knows fashion sense...
DJ: Hey now, she just wanted to be on the float with the others...
Millenia: Sure she did...anyway, now it's time for everyone's favorite sidekicks in...

-special effects, you know the drill-

Millenia: LETTERS TO MODIFIED EXITING POKEMON!!!

DJ: Take it away, Foyusa and FPB!

-letters desk-

FPB: Thanks guys, this time the letter is from Treno, it reads...

"Dear Foyusa and FPB,

This is getting annoying! My boss has this weird obsession with coins and frankly, I'm tired of it. She just sits there all day and expects me to give out payments to people who bring her a new one. Bah, this is all so wasteful even if she is rich. Think there's a way for me to get to her?

Lostintheshuffle"

FPB: Well Lost, old folks have their eccentricities, but if it's really bothering you, go ahead and tell her that. I mean, it's only right.
Foyusa: True, but she's till your boss, so don't get to sniffy since it isn't your business.
FPB: Wow Foyusa, that was actually a sensible answer...
Foyusa: Of course! Did you expect me to assume the writer actually has the hots for the old girl and wants in on some sweet lovin' to get her will?
FPB: ...yes, actually.
Foyusa: Well, sorry to disappoint you...
FPB: Well, back to you guys...

DJ: All right, thanks you two! Ready Millenia?
Millenia: Sure!

-clears throat-

Millenia: Jerk of a loner's family extended,
DJ: Sure that doesn't mean he has another friend.
Millenia: Super fast karts zoom by on a track,
DJ: Just hope they don't run over a tack.
Millenia: Sing off ends with more bruises then bends,
DJ: What can you expect with lyrics that can rend.
Millenia: Gaians rant on a legalized port,
DJ: Hmm, I wonder what they've had to snort.
Millenia: Employee upset about boss's weird habits,
DJ: Well at least she doesn't collect rabbits.

-boos-

Millenia: Hmm, nice to hear huh?
DJ: Strangely, yes. Anyway, got any plans for what you're going to do Thanksgiving? After all, Mai won't be there for you to double team me with anymore!
Millenia: No, but Sophie and I have been talking already...
DJ: Crud...anyway, be sure to catch us and the rest of the crew at the 88th Annual Station Square Thanksgiving Day Parade, naturally on Thanksgiving! So for Millenia, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird, I'm DarkJuno, bidding you all a sane and pleasant day.
All: See Ya!