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[DarkJuno]

A tree hugger scorned, and a kunoichi through boot camp! All this and more here on the 30th, Way-too-long-for-its-own-good Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!!!

-slightly modified, more summer like intro-

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Voice: With Millenia...Foyusa...Freaky Psychic Bird...and Special Correspondent Mai Shiranui....this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter...

-onto the news desk...though it's under a tropical looking shack, and DJ and Millenia are dressed for the beach, the former in surfer shorts and a white shirt and the latter in a bikini, though with a shirt tied off up top-

DJ: Heya everyone, and welcome to another edition of DJ:(N)RR, coming to you live from Costa Del Sol! As usual, I'm your wave ridin' host DJ...
Millenia: And I'm everyone’s favorite red head (or at least I damn well better be!) Millenia!
DJ: And over there by the Letters' Desk are my old buddies....wait a second...

-the letters desk is empty-

Sailor FPB: -off camera- Hey, over here!

-camera spins to Sailor FPB and Foyusa on lounge chairs tanning, though the ladybug is obviously having a tougher time-

Foyusa: Foyusa!
Sailor FPB: And Sailor FPB! Sorry DJ, we figured we may as well get something done while you and Millenia run through the regular news..
DJ: Bah, you lazy bums...I never should have convinced them to keep paying you guys even if you don't work.
Foyusa: Don't think we don't appreciate it!
Millenia: Hey, even I don't have that in my contract! Do you?
DJ: Erm, well...onto the news!!!

-news mode-

DJ: First up tonight, Aeris Gainsborough of the slightly...radical environmental group the Green Gaians has been arrested today by the S.T.A.R.S. following several actions headed by the Cetra. She has taken sole responsibility for heading such attempts, such as freeing several dangerous experiments from the recently revived Shinra's laboratories, which caused quite a stir in Midgar, as well as an attempted bombing of noted scientist Luccia's lab in the Viper Manor.

The S.T.A.R.S. found Ms. Gainsborough and some fellow Gaians amongst the trees of the Grandi-di Forests, which have been threatened by loggers as of late. After a short brawl with the obviously innebriated former flower girl, Aeris came quietly and left the rest of her comrades to attempt to weather the oncoming loggers. Cloud Strife, former SOLDIER wannabe and ex-love interest of Aeris, has said, "Well, while Aeris is a nice girl and all, I can't say I'm surprised. She's always been a little...unrealistic in what she wanted." At that point, Strife hushed up and walked away, mumbling something about drunken prom dates.

Millenia: Meanwhile, after recently acquiring the Soul Edge, Kuja is at it again, bidding at his old Treno Auction House for another trinket. This time, it, or rather, they are the formerly missing Hyper Emeralds, which is the first time they have appeared ever since that time Sonic had Knuckles as an adversary, and soon after an ally) against Eggman. Being more powerful then even the Super Form inducing Chaos emeralds, the UBA candidate states that they would "Look good in the library." Considering how he already owns the sword of all evil in his living room, only time will tell what kind of disaster will occur now. Still, the emeralds are all but his, as no one has come close to even matching his bid of 1,000,000 Gil.

DJ: Shock hits Balamb and Esthar today as the time twisting sorceress Ultimecia is suing Squall Leonhart and the rest of Balamb Garden for property damage and mental anguish. At a press conference from her nearly completed, refurbished castle, she states...

Ultimecia: Kurse all SeeDs! -koughs- Exkuse me, that was a force of habit. I digress. Those kursed SeeDs broke into my home and destroyed several of my personal belongings, inkluding an invaluable chandelier. Further more, they murdered my eight pets, the sweeties. Despite the fakt that they have since been revived, the anguish they have gone through is far too great for my creatures to go through. Thus, I believe kompensation is in order...whether it be my sum or other...things, I demand it! Especially to replace some personal...items that have turned up missing since that time.

DJ: As such, several members of Balamb Garden had retorts to these comments, specifically those in the group that defeated Ultimecia.

Quistis: My, this is certainly uncalled for. After all, she must take some responsibility; it was her possessing of Rinoa and attempt to compress time that set everything into motion.

Zell: What!? This is friggin' stupid man!

Selphie: Puh-lease! What's she talking about anyway? Besides, that place was a dump - it needed remodeling!

Irvine: -walks in door carrying a small box that has "Prop. of Ultimecia" stamped on it- Heya Sefie...ready? -wink-

Selphie: Uh...

DJ: As far as Squall is concerned, he only commented, "...whatever."

Millenia: Finally tonight, waves are being made in the music industry this week as the Worlds Famous Hyrule Symphony is threatening to go on strike unless they get a raise in pay. The Hyrule Castle Town based musical group has cited that over the last five years they have not received a single, well deserved pay raise, having to make due with their basic 50,000 Rupees a year - while certainly not horrible, the checks are spaced out enough so that several of the members literally have to live from payday to payday. What supposedly annoys the symphony is the fact that other orchestras the worlds over have received raises, some quite a few times over the past few years. A member of the group, who wishes to remain anonymous, states:

Unknown Violinist: Don't get us wrong; we're not trying to be greedy or anything like that! The thing is, prices have gone up, and our wages haven't. More then just a few of us need this money to just live - don't think we all just want a fancy new horse or carriage for ourselves! This is mostly for our families and such.

Millenia: Upon hearing all this, the Hyrule Symphony's largest patron, the Princess Zelda, had this to say:

Zelda: Well, I was certainly surprised when I heard this! The Hyrule Symphony is a wonderful addition to this kingdom, and it would be a shame if it were to go on strike. Despite my position as a patron, I have nothing but influence as to where my support goes. Let it be known that I whole heartedly agree with those performers.

Millenia: The symphony has given an ultimatum for next Wednesday night for the time when they will go on strike.
DJ: Well, I really can't blame'em. I mean, those folks work hard, and for what?
Millenia: Well, maybe that's true, but there could be stuff we don't know about.
DJ: Right. We'll be back after this...


-three dumb kids are standing on top of Death Mountain-

DK#2: Okay, we've done a lot of crazy things...but this is going too far man!
DK#3: I have to agree with her on this!
DK#1: Bah! C'mon now, so long as I land on my butt, I'll be fine!

-inexplicably, Mario and Yoshi leap out of the bushes-

Mario: Hey-a now!
Yoshi: -weird noise-
DK#2: Whoa! Cool man, it's Mario and Yoshi!
DK#1: Kick @$$!
DK#3: Hey, what are you two here for?
Yoshi: -weird noises-
Mario: I couldn't have-a said it-a better my-a self Yoshi! While it is-a true that-a butt stomping will-a keep you from-a hurting yourself, it is-a skill that needs to be-a learned-a!
DK#1: -rolls eyes- Whatever! I'm going for it!
Yoshi: -covers eyes-

-DK#1 jumps off....and seconds later a loud splat is heard-

DK#2: Dang! He smashed into that rock even WITH butt stomping!
DK#3: Well, I bet he's glad he used that save point first...
Mario: He had-a better be! So-a remember kids: Butt-a Stomping is something only-a trained professionals should-a perform!
All: And now we know!!!


DJ: Well, that's nice to know...
Millenia: Yeah, but you know what else would be nice to know?
DJ: What would that be Millenia?
Millenia: It'd be nice to know what the heck it takes to actually be a mercenary!
DJ: Um, it would...?
Millenia: -growl- Yes, it WOULD.
DJ: Oh, um, yeah! Funny you should ask that, because our very own Mai Shiranui spent time last week seeing exactly what it takes! We join her now down the beach, Heya Mai!

-split screen to Mai, in a red bikini, down on the beach by the waves with Mic in hand. Naturally, the fans around her tend to be almost all male-

Mai: Konnichiwa DJ-chan! Milly-chan!
Millenia: -glare- Well Mai, it looks like you've got quite a following there!
Mai: Hai! Would you expect anything else? Anyway, yes, I did spend three days last week at Balamb Garden, seeing what it takes to be a SeeD, and even I'll admit, it's not very easy! Take a look!

-the fancy, summer-ized Eyes of Mai intro video, wiping away to reveal the tall, ornate, wrought iron gates of Balamb Garden. Mai suddenly appears from the bottom of the camera into view-

Mai: Ah, Balamb Garden, the place where mercenaries are made and rejects are embarrassed! C'mon in, let's see what it takes to become a SeeD! -makes a waving motion and bounds in along the long, finely landscaped and decorated pathway towards the entrance. Several students stop and gawk at the scantily clad woman that runs through the campus-

-cuts to inside the slightly improbable architecture of the Garden, to an impatient looking Selphie Tilmitt peering at her watch while standing in front of the step leading to the elevator. Naturally, it's one of those staged deals the news does all the time, but even so, Mai slides into view, as if running-

Selphie: Heeeeeey! Just made it!
Mai: -pant- Hai -pant- Anyway, introduce yourself for those out there who don't know you!
Selphie: Suure! The name's Selphie, and I'm a SeeD here at Balamb Garden!
Mai: Konnichiwa Selphie-chan! Now, what's the first step here then, eh?
Selphie: Well, realistically, it takes a couple of years to become a full fledged SeeD, but since we only have you for three days, we'll give you a sort of crash course in it all! Now, first thing's first...we need to get you a uniform.
Mai: -scratches head- I thought there wasn't a dress code here?
Selphie: Uh...

-fake flashback to Squall's office-

Squall: ...and Selphie, give Mai a uniform. She's too much of a distraction to too many people.
Selphie: But we don't have a dress code...
Squall: ...whatever. Just make something up.

-back to the present-

Selphie: Well, this way you'll be more in tune with the crash course and all!
Mai: Oh, that makes sense! Okay!

-cut to Selphie waiting patiently outside a locker room, noises being heard from inside-

Selphie: The tailors knew about your visit, so they went ahead and made a uniform to your specifications. I hope it fits!
Mai, slightly muffled: Aw, that's so sweet! -walks out of the room with a standard Balamb Garden female uniform, albeit made for her...dimensions- So, how do I look?
Selphie: Perfect! Now come on, first we gotta do the boring stuff!

-an inexplicable side wipe as the suddenly stand, in the exact same positions, in a classroom, in front of a computer console-

Mai: Nani?
Selphie: Eh, it happens all the time. Anyway, today you'll be taking the written exam!
Mai: A test? This is my third time and I'm taking another test already?
Selphie: Heeey, it's not that hard! Good luck!
Mai: -sighs- Domo Arigatou, I'll need it...

-flopping down into the computer terminal, the camera pans up onto the clock...and fades into another, darker shot of the clock. It pans back down to a slightly frazzled looking Mai getting up and turning to the now level camera-

Mai: Whew -wipes sweat off brow- that was tough! Personally, I'm about ready for bed...I need some sleep! Night everyone!


-Day Two: 4:30 AM-

-The scene wipes to a small, darkened dorm room, barely large enough for the tiny cot, short desk, and a slight space between the two to walk through. While barely anything is seen through the non lit window, a loud, blaring voice comes out across the P.A.-

Fujin: STUDENTS! AWAKEN! EXERCISE! SHOWER! CLASSES IN TWO HOURS!
Raijin: Yeah, ya know? So all you guys wake up and have a good morning, ya...
Fujin: RAIJIN! -stomp!-
Raijin: Owch! Sorry Fujin., ya know?
Fujin: ........

-Not at all pondering how "......" could possibly be transmitted over the PA, Mai leaps up, literally, out of bed, clinging to a red satin teddy bear and wearing...well, not a whole lot-

Mai: Nani!? What's going on here!?
Selphie: -sticks head in in an annoyingly chipper and awake fashion- Morning Mai! I forget to tell you, we get up early here at the Garden, so get into your sweats and head for the main road; today you jog for your daily exercise! -suddenly notices Mai's tiny Baby T and Panties- Uh, Mai, we asked you to bring your...largest pair of PJ's, didn't we?
Mai, while rubbing her eyes and clutching her teddy bear- Hai, and this is it. I normally sleep in nothing at all!
Selphie: Um...just make sure your sweats cover more then 50% of your body, okay?
Mai: -sigh- Eh, sure...

-wipe to outside the Balamb Garden gates, where, of all people, Squall is leaning against the stone columns supporting the wrought iron wearing a t-shirt and shorts - and not at all looking too particularly happy. The other recruits and other SeeDs are out waiting, as Selphie and Mai jog to the gates-

Selphie: Heeeeeeey everyone!
Squall: ...Selphie....
Mai: -gasps- Squa-chan!!! -leaps and hugs a squirming Squall- Aw, it's been too long!!!
Squall: -uncomfortably pushes Mai off him and dusts himself off- ...whatever. It's nice to see that you actually dressed up for the jog...
Mai: -blush- Hehe, well, I try! Now, explain to everyone at home how exactly the exercise deal works here!
Squall: ......-looks at Selphie- This is YOUR job, not mine...
Selphie: Ah ah! She asked you, not me!
Squall: -rolls eyes- Well, there are three different types of regimes that each student -and SeeD, for that matter- does alternatively. There’s jogging, like today, cardiovascular work, and the gym. Now, since you only have two more days here, you'll only have jogging..
Mai: I see! So c'mon, let’s get this show on the road!
Squall: Selphie?
Selphie: Sure thing! All right guys and gals, let's move!!!

-at that, Selphie inexplicably pulls out a whistle from her own shorts and blows it, as everyone begins running. Mai happily bounds along, passing all the gawking and leering male students, oblivious to it all. Squall rolls his eyes and glares at the camera for a second, and goes off with the others. Selphie passes and quickly adds-

Selphie: Hey DJ! I think that was for you!

-cuts back to DJ at the make shift desk-

DJ: Crud...

-back to the video, as time has passed and a tired, sweaty, panting, and basically stumbling Mai returns to the gates, trailing behind the tired but still walking cadets. Squall and Selphie are walking with Mai-

Mai: -pant- I......need to........work out more.........
Squall: I thought ninjas were supposed to be in tip top shape...
Selphie: Squall...was that a comment with a slight "edge" to it?
Squall: ...whatever.........-walks off with a half hearted wave-
Selphie: Wow Mai, you just witnessed an attempt by Squall to have...emotion!
Mai: Sugoi...or something, whatever.......where are the showers?
Selphie: Oh, they're...

-another inexplicable wipe, as the two are suddenly in front of the girls' locker room, with towels over their shoulders and some bath items in their hands...but in the same positions-

Selphie: ..right here! Told ya it happens all the time!
Mai: -blinks- Okay....I guess we'll go?
Selphie: Haha, nope! Sorry, SeeDs each have their own personal bathroom...it may not be much, but we have privacy! I'll see ya before 7 at that classroom from yesterday, okay?
Mai: Hai...

-Mai turns and walks into the locker room....but stops and pushes the following camera away-

Mai: Pervert! Stay out, move!

-audible groans and sighs of disappointment are heard as it wipes away-

6:30 AM

Mai: -slides into view right outside a classroom- Whew! Just in time!

-the door slides open with a somewhat irritated looking Quistis Trepe behind it-

Quistis: Mai! There you are!
Mai: Ah! Quisty-cha...
Quistis: Ah ah ah Mai! Today, you're sitting in on my class, and thereby, I'm your instructor for the duration.
Mai: I see Qui...heheh, Instructor Trepe!
Quistis: Yes, now, take your seat...oh, and Selphie said to hand this to you -hands Mai a print out as the two enter the classroom-
Mai: Ah! My test results!
Quistis: Now, take a seat back there...

-Mai bounds back there, the guys obviously taking note. Some girls seem to be either envious or puzzled-

Quistis: Now, today class, we'll continue our study of military history with the First Sorceress War and all the related events contained in it. On our last exam, we went over the period of "peace" that occurred before the crowning of Adel as ruler of Esthar, and similar...

-the view switches to Mai sincerely attempting to listen to Quistis's lecture, but it fades and blends into scenes of her leaning against the computer console, eating cookies, playing a GBA, drumming her fingers along a board, drawing - all while Quistis's voice continues, albeit broken up and in different parts of her lecture. Naturally, the last part is her nodding off and beginning to (cutely) snore-

12:00 PM

Quistis: ...and when we come back, we'll pick up on the beginnings of the rebellion against Sorceress Adel! Any questions? Mai?
Mai: -wakes up and snorts slightly- Nani?
Quistis: Um, Mai, do you have any questions pertaining to the lecture?
Mai: -rubs eyes- Oh, yes...why is it important for SeeDs to learn all this, um, interesting history?
Quistis: Ah, yes, well, just like any other student, a SeeD has to know his or her history of battle and politics, as well as the other facets that make up culture.
Mai, not looking convinced: Oh...I see...

-bell rings-

Quistis: -claps hands together- All right class! I'll see you later! And Mai, it was a pleasure having you sit in today!
Mai: Domo Arigatou Instructor Trepe! Now...where am I going...?
Quistis: Ah, well, it's...

-inexplicably, the two are standing, much closer together, in the short hallway leading to the cafeteria-

Quistis: ...lunch time.
Mai: -blink- Well...Selphie was right about that always happening...
Quistis: Well, I have some things to do while eating, so see you after lunch!
Mai: Thanks! -turns and starts walking down the hall- Mmmmm, it may not be a bento box, but I'm starved!

-Mai, completely oblivious to the now standard gawking students, skips to the head of the line-

Mai: -leans on counter- Hmmm...I'm in the mood for hot dogs today! No, wait, how about making that a foot long? The longer it takes for me to go for it, the better! And if you've got any red-hot ones, Mmmmm....

-Mai doesn't notice that the line of all male students waiting behind her begin to cough uncomfortably, slightly blushing, and awkwardly walk away, some sitting. Zell Dincht walks in, somewhat puzzled by the students hobbling about-

Zell: ...the hell? And you guys wanna be SeeDs?

-Zell notices that Mai is the only one in line-

Zell: Oh yeah! Finally! -rushes over and somewhat rudely goes past Mai, with foot long hotdog on her tray- Have you got any hot dogs left!?
Cafeteria Worker: Nope, sorry Zell! Mai here took the last one - and a red hot foot long at that!
Zell: Aw man!!!
Mai: Ooooooh, Zell-chan! I'm sorry, I didn't know!
Zell: Naw, it's all right Mai, you're the guest and everything...
Mai: Aw, thanks so much!
Familiar, "cowboy" voice: Ha! Take that!

-camera swings to a table, where Squall, a slightly pregnant Rinoa, Irvine, and Selphie are sitting at. Squall takes a bite out of a sandwich and lays a card down on the table-

Squall: I win...
Irvine: Wha!? No way man, that's impossible!
Squall: Whatever...I'll take your Cloud Strife card then...

-Irvine grumbles and hands over the fake SOLDIER's card, as Selphie takes note and begins madly waving like a lunatic-

Selphie: Oh!!! Zell, Mai, over here!!!
Zell: Yo guys!

-they walk over-

Mai: Oooooh, are you sure it's okay for me to sit with you guys?
Squall: -pockets card and his deck- Whatever...
Rinoa: Sure, it's no bother!
Irvine: Hmm, it certainly isn't little lady!
Selphie: -smack- Come on now Irvine!
Mai: plops herself down beside Rinoa and smiles- Ah, when are you expecting anyway Rinny-chan?
Rinoa: Oh, not for awhile!
Mai: Any ideas for names yet...?
Rinoa: Oh, not yet! But at this rate, we may as well let a contest be held for it!
Selphie: Heeeeey, DJ has that show and a fan base, even if it only consists of four people! He could hold a vote!
Squall: -rolls eyes- Right....like that'll happened...
Mai: Well...
Rinoa: So, how's the day been going?
Mai: Not bad at all! What else have I got left to do?
Selphie: Well, after lunch you go back to Quistis' class 'till about 7 PM, have dinner, and have free reign within the Garden until about 9, when it's time to hit the sack!
Mai: Wow...and tomorrow..?
Selphie: You'll see when you get there!
Mai: Hai! And due to the magic of articles...

-Day Three: 4:30 AM-

Mai: -sits up in bed due to the same loud alarm, yawning and dressed similarly to the day before and with the same teddy bear- Ugh...I'll never get used to this...

-a...noticeably less chipper Selphie sticks her head into the room-

Selphie: Mmmm....at least today's your last day.....
Mai: Eh? What happened to the annoyingly hyper-in-the-morning Selphie from yesterday?
Selphie: -shrugs and stumbles out-

6:30 AM

-Mai walks out into a vastly larger room from Quistis's classroom, freshly showered and such-

Mai: Ugh, I'll never get used to that running! Sefie-chan, over here!
Selphie: -back to normal- Mai! Ready for what we’ve got today?
Mai: Sure...but, um, what is it exactly we're doing today?
Selphie: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, I think I should let Zell tell you that! Hey, get over here Zell!
Zell: Yeah Selphie?
Selphie: Mai wants to know what she's in for today!
Zell: Sure thing! Today, you'll be doing something probably more to your liking then Quisty's lectures! First off, right now you'll be in battle class, where you'll learn more about Paramagic and other little things about fighting.
Mai: Eh? But I'm already a master of the Shiranui arts, as my name implies. I am the grandmaster's granddaughter, after all!
Zell: True, but do you know how to add magic to that?
Mai: Um...I can add fire in my attacks, not to mention my specials!
Selphie: Then I'm sure Paramagic'll be a snap for ya then!
Zell: Exactly! Then after lunch, we'll see if you can use those skills in an actual fight!
Mai: Ah! I'm looking forward to that then!
Selphie: Booyaka! That’s the spirit!

-wipe into the class itself-

Zell: All right, first things first people! Paramagic isn't just stuff you can just screw around with! No siree, it's serious stuff, which is why we're here! Now, today, we'll be going over the basic elements, starting with fire!
Mai: Oh!!!! I know fire! -takes out a fan and flails it about, lighting it on fire...at which point Selphie hops in and extinguishes it-
Selphie: Eh, sorry 'bout that! Magic isn't allowed inside the Garden!
Mai: -cough- Sorry, I didn't know that.
Zell; Hey, it's all right!

-later...-

Zell: All right folks, I hope you all had a good lunch!

-scattered muttering is heard-

Selphie: Um, yes, well, anyway! Time to sharpen those skills, 'cause it's time to rumble!!!!
Mai: Ah, question!!!
Zell: Yeah Mai?
Mai: Is it not true that for these...spars, I guess, we can wear anything...?
Zell: Why, sure! You gotta get used to..
Selphie: Zell!!! -puts hand over Zell's mouth- No, Squall'll have our heads if...

-alas, it's too late, as Mai has already inexplicably disappeared as only ninjas can...and conveniently, Squall walks in along with Headmaster Cid to oversee the practice matches-

Cid: Ah, here we are! And isn't that ninja girl...
Squall: ...Mai...
Cid: Ah yes, isn't she participating here alongside the students who've opted to use hand-to-hand combat for that report on that reporter show?
Squall: Yes -adds under his breath- unfortunately...
Cid: What was that?
Squall: Nothing...
Selphie: -nervously- H-Heeeey Squall, Headmaster!
Cid: Why, hello Selphie...Zell.
Squall: -looks around, slightly annoyed- Where's Mai?

-On cue, Mai, dressed in her normal......non-modest attire, inexplicably reappears behind Squall and taps him on the shoulder, beaming-

Mai: Right here Squa-chan!!!
Squall: !!!!!
Cid: Oh, hello there Miss...
Mai: Konnichiwa Cid-sama -bows-

-Cid bows slightly as a noticeably irate Squall pulls Selphie over to the side, while Quistis, Irvine, and Rinoa walk in and talk to Cid-

Squall: I thought I said...
Selphie: I know, sorry! Zell here had to open his mouth about...
Zell: Hey! I didn't know about it! Besides, what do we have to worry about? THese guys are trained to fight, right?
Squall: Maybe if they were already SeeDs...but they're only recruits! Besides, we may not be best friends, but I know Mai well enough to guess what type of fight she'll request...
Zell: Request?
Selphie: Yeah dummy! Mai gets a choice of spar types, remember?

-further back, Mai is done stretching and looks about with a certain...look in her eyes, as she for once notices all the leering male students frozen in mid-action...though she chooses to ignore the grimacing/annoyed/jealous female cadets-

Mai: Ah, this is going to be fun! -rubs hands together and takes a fan out- Now...
Zell: Yo Squall, what exactly is Mai going to choose?
Squall: You'll see...
Mai: All right everyone! Come at me all at once!

-no one moves-

Mai: -sighs- Come on already!

-all the male cadets snap out of it and clumsily rush the kunoichi. Considering their present state of mind, it's not hard to figure out what happens next-

Selphie: Owch! I thought we told you guys to block and focus on just one part of the body!
Zell: Yo Mai! You might want to...well...
Quistis: Hmmm...actually, I believe her state of dress is part of her strategy...
Irvine: One even I can appreciate! Heheh..
Selphie: Heey!
Squall: -puts left hand on forehead and sighs-
Rinoa: Aw, don't worry Squall, you were almost able to keep order for all of her visit...
Squall: ...whatever. Just get the injured to Dr. Kadowaki after this is all done...

Later...

Mai: -whew- Now that was a good practice round!

-the camera pulls back, revealing Mai sitting on the piled, slightly broken bodies of all the students she fought-

Mai: Heehee, that was pretty fun! But, now that I'm done, I'm supposed to go to the Quad for a party, so hey, let's go!

-As Mai hops off, the injured trainees are shown being carted off, all while Squall is shown holding his head and shaking it-

7:00PM

-the screen wipes away to the Quad, decorated slightly while students and SeeDs both mingle and stand about. Several are noticeably bandaged up, while Mai, in her purple dress from the 3rd Fatal Fury movie (I think...) is standing by Selphie and the others-

Squall: ............
Selphie: -elbows Squall-
Squall: -sigh- Mai Shiranui, in recognition of the completion of the required basic preparation of SeeD training, we -cough- proudly dub you as an honorary member of SeeD. -somewhat grudgingly hands over a diploma-
Mai: Ah! Arigatou Squa-chan!
Selphie: Woo-hoo! Good job Mai!
Quistis: Yes, congratulations are indeed in order..
-Mai relishes the attention and applause, but doesn't notice...-
Rinoa: -through gritted teeth, quietly- Squall, how'd Mai do anyway?
Squall: You don't want to know...

-EoM Outro plays, as the scene changes back to the DJ:(N)RR desk, but now Mai's leaning on it by DJ-

Mai: Hm, I wonder what Squa-chan meant there...
DJ: Hey, don't ask me! -sweats-

-fake flashback-

DJ: Heya Squall!
Squall: ..........
DJ: Erm, I was just here to see exactly how Mai did on her SeeD thingy, that's all.
Squall: Hmph, here, take it...
DJ: -eyes pop out of his sockets- What the!? I didn't thing the scale could go that low!
Squall: It doesn't - I had the guys in Tech make a new scale to grade it...

-return-

Millenia: Yeah, don't worry about it!
Mai: Hai! So, what's next?
DJ: Well, it's time for everyone's favorite copyright dodging characters in...

-special effects, you know the drill by now-

Millenia: LETTERS TO MODIFIED EXISTING POKEMON!!!
DJ: Take it...
Mai: Oh!!! Let me say it DJ-chan!
DJ: Go ahead.
Mai: Heehee! Take it awaaaaaay, Foy-chan and FPB-chan!!!

-switch to the bamboo letters' desk...but it's still empty-

DJ: -off camera- Dang it! Foyusa, FPB!

-switch to the still tanning Foyusa and Sailor FPB, but now both are on their stomachs-

Foyusa: Man! Right when we just turned too!
Sailor FPB: Eh, oh well. -takes a letter out from off camera- This letter comes from...erm, Sugar Land, Texas?
-DJ runs into the screen a little too quickly, followed by a puzzled Mai and Millenia-
DJ: Give me that! -scans the letter-
Mai: Eh? Who's that from?
Sailor FPB: I know who - I recognize that handwriting! It's from DL!
Millenia: Ooooooh, you mean DJ's girlfriend...?
DJ: Hush!
Mai: Aw, why the secrecy? Is she saying something unfit for public ears?
DJ: Of course not! All it says is...

-strangely enough, the letter is read with her voice, not DJ's-

"Dear Foyusa and FPB,

Hey guys, just a quick question! Ya know, when DJ first changed his show's format, he said it was because of problems with ideas...but then one of you mentioned something about a restraining order, and, well, that bothers me. So, what exactly happened on that night when you three got stuck in the Resident Evil Universe anyway...?

Take care!
DL"

DJ: ...then she signs with her signature, which I won't reveal here.
Mai: Hmm, she has a point though...
DJ: What?
Millenia: Exactly what DID happened in that "fabled" lost episode of DJ:RR?
Foyusa: Nothing! Just some boring crud...
Sailor FPB: Yeah, though I wish we kept the tape...it'd be perfect for this since it IS the 30th Edition...
DJ: ...actually...
Foyusa: I thought you said you destroyed it!
Sailor FPB: Foyusa!
Mai: Aha! So it still exists! The 3rd and final episode of DarkJuno: Roving Reporter!
DJ: Okay...while it exists, I'd rather it not be shown...
Millenia: C'mon pal, cough it up!
DJ: Well, the problem is, it's unfinished because I scrapped the idea and instead went for the whole Non-Roving Reporter gimmick instead.
Mai: So?
Sailor FPB: In other words, it ends with a cliff hanger...besides -picks up watch- this show's already running waaaaaaaay too long.
Millenia: Hey, I'm sure people with short attention spans have already quit reading - all you've got left are the bored people!
Foyusa: ...true...
DJ: Aw, why not? Hey Unseen female stagehands, roll it!!!
Unseen Female Stagehand #1: Oh yeah!
Unseen Female Stagehand #3: Hey, isn't this the time DJ accidentally got the "Boy band haircut?"
Unseen Female Stagehand #2: Yeah, that's why it took so long for him start DJ:(N)RR - he had to grow his hair back!
Mai: So that's why you don't want it shown...
DJ: ......just roll it already...


******


From Rated E to M, from GameCube, to PS2, to Dreamcast, and even to X-Bo...well, okay, not that far, but it's another edition of...

DarkJuno: Roving Reporter!

Cheesy 50's style Announcer: Yes DarkJuno, with Poke-pals Foyusa and Freaky Psychic Bird, journey throughout the gaming globe in search of a hot story and adventure! Through FFVIII's Time Compression, Grandia II's Day of Darkness, or the ludicrous wiggles and jiggles of DOA, it's...

DarkJuno: Rooooooving Reporter!!!

Today's Episode: Resident Evil: Runs Survivor!!!

-lightning flashes, lighting a dark, imposing forest. The road passing through is caked and filled with puddles and mud, as a large mansion can be seen in the not too far distance. A bright red truck, dirtied by its trek through the unkempt road, blazes by as DJ can be seen driving while P.O.D. can be heard over the stereo system-
DJ: Man, this forest gives me the creeps...though I can't shake the feeling that it looks so familiar....
FPB: Bah, whatever! We're supposed to interview Megaman next, so hurry up through this "shortcut" of yours.
Foyusa: Yeah...wonder where this is anyway?
DJ: Eh, I don't know...I never got around to getting a map of the Capcom universe yet.
Foyusa: ...........
FPB: .........YOU MEAN TO TELL US YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A DARK AND SINISTER FOREST BLIND!?!?!?
DJ: ....well, Chun Li gave me directions over there.......
Foyusa: You DO realize that she's from China and has never even been close to the Megaman realm here, correct?
DJ: Yeah, but did you expect me to refuse her?
FPB: Your girlfriend's gonna hear about this......
DJ: -sigh-
Cheesy 50's style Announcer: Erm, guys? The show's started!

DJ: Damn!
FPB, hitting DJ with her wing: Geez, see how late we are!?!?
Foyusa: Oy, we're getting this taken out of our paychecks.....
FPB: Move over! I'm driving!
DJ: Wait, you don't have the little adaptor thing that'll let you drive this properly!
FPB: Foyusa! Get down to the pedals there!
Foyusa: Erm, okay...
DJ: Wait a sec here, I haven't gotten all the payments done yet!

-the truck is shown sliding along the road as it speeds up-

Foyusa: Wait, this is the brake right?
DJ: No! That's the accelerator!
FPB: Hurry up!
All three: YAAARRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

CRASH!!!!

-a few minutes later-

DJ: ...........THAT'S coming out of YOUR paycheck for the rest of your career FPB!!!
FPB: So sue me, I couldn't reach the Shifter either.......you okay Foyusa?
Foyusa: -groans- I think so........
-DJ sighs, holding back tears as he stands in the muddy road, seeing his truck wrapped around an Oak Tree-
DJ: .....so, where to now?
Foyusa: Obviously, we gotta find a place where we can call the station to get us over to our assignment.
FPB: Assuming we haven't been fired, anyway...
DJ: I think that's enough negativity for now...anyway, I think I saw a Mansion or something somewhere here in the forest......
Foyusa: Then I suppose we should get hiking.
DJ: Yup....man, this place really DOES seem familiar...I wonder why......
-growl-
FPB: Hey Foyusa, shut your stomach up.
Foyusa: That wasn't me.....
DJ: Nor was it me......
FPB: Then...who was that?
-rustling can be heard coming from the bushes, as well as more ominous growling and the scuffling of paws-
Foyusa: Wolves?
DJ: Must be......let's just stay calm and..........
"Wolf": ROAR!!!!!
All three: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

-Panicked, the three turn and run, blazing through the forest as the "wolves" walk out and growl at the trio's author induced speed. Strangely enough, the canines seem to be bald......-

Cheesy 50's style Announcer: Meanwhile, our intrepid heroes have somehow run into the mansion's front gate. How? Why, by the magic of plot holes of course!

DJ: Bah, whatever! Anyway....
FPB: -pant- Uh, I think we lost'em....
Foyusa: At least, I hope so......hey, what's this?
DJ: Hm?
-DJ looks up and squints in the darkness at the sign at the gate: Arkley Mansion-
DJ: Arkley? Now I really do feel like I've heard of this before....
FPB: Eh, I'm sure it's no big deal....I'm sure a rich guy owns this place, so let's go see if he or she can help us out!
DJ: Yeah...I guess so....
Foyusa: Well? Hurry up then slowpokes!
FPB: I thought we weren't going to interview the Pokemon guys 'till episode 6?
DJ: ...whatever....hmm, the moon's nice tonight..
-motions to the bright and somewhat creepy blue moon-
FPB: Yeah...in a sort of foreboding, ominous foreshadowing sort of way....
Foyusa: You mean like an owl hooting before a movie's hero and friends are mercilessly attacked by large, overwhelming groups of, I don't know, zombies?
FPB: Exactly!
Foyusa: Oh, and then of course, everyone but the hero is mercilessly slaughtered until the end, only for him or her to be killed by getting run over by a military or police car dripping with cruel irony?
DJ: Okay! Enough with the horror movie crap....besides, most of those take place in overgrown, rich, old mansions, not...
-DJ knocks on the front door...only for it to fall over and reveal the interior as being overgrown, rich, and old-
DJ: ..Um, places like this....
Foyusa: Hello in there!!!!
Echo: Hello in there!!!!
DJ: Hmm, pretty drafty if you ask me...
FPB: Hmm, echoes...Hey, you're one damn sexy bird!
Echo: ...and you're not.....
FPB: !?!?
DJ: ANYWAY...we may not find any help here, but at least it'll keep us out of the rain....
Foyusa: Er, what rain?
DJ: Whoops, forgot!
-takes out the script and scribbles in a few notes, as lightning flashes, illuminating the millions of gallons of water that suddenly begin pouring down-
DJ: ...that storm...
FPB: Gee DJ, you’re right, this place IS drafty...unless that's you Foyusa, then quit breathing down my neck!
Foyusa: Uh...I'm right here....
FPB: Then...
-the trio slowly turns around...and stare right into the rotting face of half decayed, and confused looking zombie-
Zombie: ....-moan-
All: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheesy, 50's style Announcer: As our heroes take flight from the undead, DJ comes up with a revelation!
DJ: Now I know! We're in Resident Evil!
FPB: Geez, what gave you the hint!?
Foyusa: Probably the mansion in conjunction with that zo...
FPB: I was being sarcastic you idiot!
DJ: Quick guys! In here!
-the three jump into an open door and slam it shut, as the zombie dumbly runs past it-
FPB: -whew- Now we're safe...
-turns around...only to see a large group of frog like gorillas seemingly gathered around what probably used to be the dining room-
FPB: Spoke too soon...
DJ: Crap...Hunters...
Hunter #1: Grrr?
Hunter #2: Rar!
Hunter #3: -nodding- Roar!
Hunter #1: Grr!
-the Hunters leap off the table and glare at the trio menacingly-
Foyusa: Um...this is the part where the cocky, evil voice says: "You are Dead" right?
Feminine voice: Not now!!!
DJ: Who's that?
-As if to answer, a few grenades fly into the dining room from another door on the opposite side of the room, almost immediately blowing the beasts into piles of bloody mess-
FPB: Well...that was neat...
DJ walks towards the figure in the doorway: Hey, thanks for the...
-the figure sticks out an arm, obviously that of a girl, pointing a handgun at his head-
DJ: Urk!
FPB: What's wrong, I thought you'd be used to that sort of thing...
Voice: Who are you!? Are you with Umbrella!?
DJ: Um, I'm DJ, and I'm certainly NOT with umbrella....Jill?
-Jill walks out of the shadows, dressed, surprisingly, in combat fatigues-
Jill: How did you know my name?
DJ: C'mon, you're the only 25 year old Ex Delta Force officer that can pick almost any lock in the world and has an impossible amount of experience in her short, young life - not to mention some pretty deep pockets.
Jill: .....young? I wish....uh, anyway, I guess you're no danger...
Foyusa: -whew- That's goo...
Jill: They experimented on insects too!? Get down, I'll take'em out!
DJ: Whoa! Whoa! That's no freak experiment...that's one of my news partners, Foyusa!
FPB: And I'm FPB!
DJ: Together, we host.....
Cheesy 50's Style Announcer: DarkJuno: Roving Reporter!!!!!
-The S.T.A.R.S. member looks around confused for a moment at the talking bird and insect, not to mention the sudden thunderous cheesy voice-
Jill: Um....okay.....anyway, how'd you three get in here?
FPB: Um, car trouble...
DJ: Yeah, BIRD induced car trouble...
Jill: -lowers her firearm- Well, you picked the wrong place to look for help...you guys just stepped into Hell on Earth...
DJ: Yeah yeah, Umbrella, the T-Virus, I played this game in '96....
Jill: Uh...game?
DJ: Oh, nothing...but, dang, I guess we gotta get out of here then...
Jill: Yeah, well, I don't think you guys will have much luck getting through here...it's probably better for us to stick together...Lord knows that would've been the smart thing to do rather then split up like Captain Wesker ordered...
DJ: Yeah, you're right...
-Jill adjusts her cap and the shades resting atop the brim-
DJ: Say...why exactly are you wearing that? It doesn’t look like a S.T.A.R.S. uniform to me...
Jill: Well, that the strange thing...when I came in here, I found a key in my pocket and saw a locked closet. Then for some bizarre reason I changed into these...
Foyusa: Now you look like Linda Hamilton from Terminator...
FPB: Now that you mention it, she does!
Jill: ....let's just get going...any of you any good with weapons?
DJ: Well....I can hit people really hard...
Foyusa: I've got Mace!
FPB: And I have a taser!
Jill: Oh boy...THIS is going to be a long night...

Cheesy Sounding, 50's Style Announcer: And so, our heroes team up with the slinky Jill Valentine for a stand against the zombies! Later on...

Jill: .........You three are horrible! You'd get mauled by a raccoon on a camping trip!!!
DJ: Well excuuuuuuuuse me! I'm not exactly used to dealing with 5 story snakes and sharks with glandular problems!
FPB: Besides....snakes eat birds.......
Jill: But you didn't have to try and hide under my hat! God, if we get outta here, I'm going to have my boyfriend kick the crap out of you three so hard...especially you, you damn ladybug!
Foyusa: Hey, I didn't know you had a boyfriend...
DJ: ANYWAY....let's just get going....
Jill: -sigh- Right...here's that elevator that ridiculous book puzzle pointed to...
Voice: Wait up!!!
Jill: Barry?
Barry: Hey! Are you alright!
Jill: Yeah, I'm alright...found some civilians stuck in here though...
Barry: Eh? How's you three...
-recognizes them-
Barry: Hey, you three are those reporter guys aren't ya?
FPB: Woo-hoo! Another recognition!
Foyusa: That makes what, 7?
FPB: 5, but who's counting?
DJ: Erm, anyway, we were just sticking around by Jill's opinion...
Jill: Which I now regret suggesting...but anyway, let's get on down and see what's down there...not to mention probably a way out...
Barry: Finding a way out by going down? How does that even work?
DJ: Eh, the usual VG Logic.
-Everyone ah's in understanding as they file into the elevator-

Even Later....

DJ: Alright, I swear, once we're outta here I'm callin' up the station manager to change the format of this show...
Foyusa: What, and halt our fun-filled romps of adventure across the globes?
DJ: Hmm, you're right! Nothing's ever going to make US change DJ:RR, eh guys?
FPB: Right on!!!
Jill: Will you three be quiet! We have no idea what's down here!
DJ: Fine fine, sorry...
Barry: Hey, what's that?
Jill: What's what?

-rustling is heard from behind a door-

Foyusa: Crud, not another zom-zom-zom-zom...


******


-inexplicably, film begins to flick past and disappears, much to the disappointment of the Crew-

Mai: -puts away popcorn- Aw! That's it!?
DJ: Unfortunately, yeah. Like I said, it's unfinished...
Sailor FPB: Well, it's not like there's much suspense...we're still here, so everything went fine and dandy!
Foyusa: Except for the part about how you were infected by the T-Virus and tried to eat Jill...
Sailor FPB: Eh...
Millenia: Still, at least that's something...but, uh, now what do we do?
DJ: Hell if I know!
Mai: Hn, don't we usually do a big giant musical number at the end of these things?
DJ: True, but frankly I'm not really feeling up to singing and dancing right now...I mean, having to re broadcast all the old episodes, and the fact that even though this Edition WAS going to be part of our "Sizzling Summer Series," it's already September since we had so many production problems kinda bothers me...I'm not sure if I can keep this up anymore...
Mai: -gasps-
Millenia: What!? You're going to quit?
DJ: Well, may...

-Sailor FPB slaps DJ-

DJ: Hey, what was that for!?
Sailor FPB: It's because of your attitude! What are you saying?
DJ: Well can you blame me!? Readership is down, I don't have as much time as I used to, and...
Foyusa: So? You're the one who taught all of us about the news, and look at yourself!
DJ: WHAT are you two talking about?

-On cue, light music begins to play as the rest of the crew begin to explain...-

Sailor FPB: Oh come on DJ, you've said it yourself! "Whether through good or bad..."
Foyusa: "...through the highs and lows..."
Millenia: "...in positive or negative..."
Mai: "...and through things we don't like, we must always stay subjective and stick to our worth!" Isn't that right DJ-chan?
DJ: Sure, but still, you can understand why I...
Mai: Not really, but do you understand what we're saying?
DJ: ??????
Millenia: Well, what we're trying to say is...

-music starts up, but...-

DJ: Geez, didn't I say I didn't feel like a big song and dance number from any of you?
Sailor FPB: Yeah, we know!
DJ: Then what's with the music?
Foyusa: -points- 'cause they're going to sing.

-weird Rock-Techno-Pop music starts playing as Yuna and Rikku are inexplicably on a stage, which is surrounded by millions of cheering fans. It should be noted DJ and the crew are all suddenly on the stage, DJ looking bewildered-

Yuna: Hey Rikku! Is that a slightly depressed reporter I see?
Rikku: Sure is Yuna! Hey DJ, what's wrong?
DJ: -slightly puzzled- Well, you probably already heard my little rant...
Yuna: Yeah we did, and we gotta say..
Rikku: Stand up and actually smell the sky DJ!
DJ: Erm...
Yuna: What Rikku means, is to just take a look around! I mean...

-music picks up as the duo starts singing. Significantly, the band playing behind them consists of several characters playing the instruments. From the obvious (Nikki on the electric guitar) to the unexpected old school reference (Samus on the Electric Cello O_O;)-

Yuna: In these worlds of ours, so much occurs,
We don't know what to trust!
Rikku: As far as we can hold and see,
There's nothing that's a can do or must!
Yuna: From floods to fires, and quakes to mist,
It seems there's no point through all this time.
Rikku: That is unless you flip on the tube,
And check out a show that's no lemon or liiiiiiiime!

-pause-

YuRi: It's all about the news!
Yuna: From elections or rebellions!
YuRi: It's all about the news!
Rikku: Through sports greats and dissentions!
YuRi: From all across the Worlds.
You can count on hearing it all.
The Non-Roving Reporter always answers the call!

Yuna: From across the nooks and crannies,
Of space and time!
Rikku: We can count on hearing all -
Whether in prose or rhyme!
Yuna: From the mouths or beak,
Subjective is the rule!
Rikku: All this info,
Without going to schooooool!

YuRi: It's all about the news!
Yuna: In marriage or war!
YuRi: It's all about the news!
Rikku: Whether you're rich or poor!
YuRi: Through all the hardships,
Tough breaks and rough seas,
DJ:(N)RR shows the way through the crease!

-music starts to change notably, as the beat gets heavier and a "mysterious" figure comes out-

Yuna: All right everyone, give it up for Knuckles!!!

Knuckles: Yeah!
From the Tower of Kefka,
To the Sea of Flames!
There's no fear of the Zero Hour,
S'long as you listen to the real deal game!

Bein' ready to rock,
And ready to roll,
You gotta listen straight,
Or you're gonna get bowled!

With a pillar of integrity-
And a salt of the earth,
Listen up straight here folks,
Through Death from birth!

Old school, new school,
It don't matter one bit!
If news is your thing,
This is it, all truth and grit!

So let me tell ya this,
From here to the skies,
Listen up to the reporter,
Or else you'll be ready to fly!

-music changes a bit once more, as another "mysterious" figure comes out, with Yuna and Rikku again, as well as various other known game character singers-

Knuckles: Give it up, for Eleeeeeeena!!!

Elena: Hey everyone!!!
Audience: Hi Elena!!!!

-music is much livelier and slightly...familiar now-

Elena: Never let me see what's wrong,
It's always fine.
That's the way it seems to be,
All mixed up in grime!

But one can always tell it straight,
And give it ri-ght!
Whatever the case, whatever the blow,
He'll let it out with all his miiiight!

YuRi: When News Breaks!
Yuna: They'll be there!
YuRi: When News Breaks!
Rikku: From Abuse and current affairs!
Elena: From the Day of Darkness,
And even the Lunar Cry,
We give the News Stake,
To keep you informed on the dial!

Elena: Soooooooooo DJ! What's this about the future of DJ:(N)RR?
DJ: Well, what you guys have been saying is nice and all...
Rikku: Buuuuuuuut?
DJ: .........aw hell, why not? DJ:(N)RR lives on!
Knuckles: See, now that's more like it!
Nikki from the band: Yeah, rock on!
Millenia: So, what about the song?
Yuna: Yeah, care to do that honors?
DJ: Sure!

-inexplicably, the Crew is wearing "party clothes"-

DJ: So, what is it we do?
Mai: Find and Report the News!
Foyusa: What did you say?
Sailor FPB & Foyusa: Find and Report the News!
DJ: I can't hear you!
Millenia: Find and Report the News!
DJ: 'Cause...
All: Hey Hey!
Elena: No matter where it is, or from whom it comes,
Whether it's smart or really dumb....
Yuna: When News Breaks!
DJ:(N)RR Crew: We'll be there!
Knuckles: When News Breaks!
DJ:(N)RR Crew: From Kalm to Bowser's Lair!
DJ: Through Weddings to Heartbreak...
Foyusa: Night, Noon, or Day,
Sailor FPB: We give the News Stake,
To keep you infooooooormed.........

All: AND ON THE WAY!!!

DJ: All right! For Millenia...
Millenia: -waves- That was beautiful guys!
DJ: ...Foyusa...
Foyusa: -waves- Yeah!!!
DJ: ...Sailor Freaky Psychic Bird...
Sailor FPB: Wooo!!!
DJ: ...Mai Shiranui...
Mai: Sayonara everyone!!!
DJ: ..plus of course our special, surprise musical guests Yu.Ri....
-they wave as they're mentioned-
DJ: Knuckles...Elena...Nikki on the electric guitar...Link on the ocarina...Samus Aran on the electric cello...Donkey Kong on those drums...Princess Peach and Yoshi there on the violins...plus the rest of them, I AM DarkJuno, and we're bidding you all a sane and pleasant day!
All: See Ya!
DJ: And onto another 30!!!
Everyone else: Yeah!!!!!

-fades out to music-