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[DarkJuno]

More on last week's revelation, here on the 29th Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Millenia...Foyusa...Freaky Psychic Bird...and special correspondent Mai Shiranui...this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter...

-news desk, DJ is alone-

DJ: Hello again everyone, and welcome to another edition of DJ:(N)RR! Sorry about skipping the intros today, but as you know, Pip has been revealed as the true murderer of his former boss, CCKA Leader Starky and SNK cat girl Cham-cham. We all saw how he then plummeted to his death after a confrontation with intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran atop the Kefka's Tower thrill ride at Apocaland. Obviously, the world famous park is closed, and that's where we join my news partner Millenia. What's going on there?

-flash to Millenia standing in the park, the ride seen in the near horizon-

Millenia: Yes DJ, I'm here. It's certainly been a rather tough week here with the death of Pip and the uncovering of the truth. As you all should know by now, Pip was actually shot down by Samus herself, but she is not facing any charges for this. Here, we have exclusive camera footage from the park's rather...well designed cameras, so let's stop and watch for a second...

-switches to the security cameras...though it suspiciously looks like it was being filmed as like a movie-

-Samus is running along a wide pathway with panicked guests watching as she zooms past, chasing after a flying Pip-

Samus: Damn you! You frame an innocent man for murder!?
Pip: I would have gotten away wid it too! Now you will pay foh meddling in my affahs!

-suddenly, three hulking brutes appear from nowhere as Pip runs up Kefka's Tower. Samus states some bleeped out explicatives as she starts blasting the monsters-

Samus: What the hell!?
Pip: Dese are my minions! Dabbwing in genetics is a specialty of my boss...
Samus: So, you're working for someone huh?
Pip: Yesh! Too bad we can't talk about it! -scurries up the ride-
Samus: Come ba...ooof!!!!

-Samus gets thrown back by the hideous monster. A fight rages on as she blasts the beasts, though it ends up being slightly futile as she starts using her beam combos-

Samus: Grrr...looks like I have no choice....

-strangely, she begins waving to the three mutants with both arms as if trying to get their attention. Indeed, they run towards her...just as the rear exit to the Varia Suit pops open, Samus leaping out just as the monsters crash into the suit. In a flurry of blonde hair, she rolls out and produces a remote, diving behind a metal recess. The suit suddenly emits a strange energy, as the monsters scream and disappear, evaporating. Samus, ignoring her somewhat skimpy state of dress walks forward and kicks her suit-

Samus: Hmph...looks like I'm going to have to get you fixed...but for now...

-with a frown, she looks up at the scurrying Pip and unholsters a silver handgun, chasing after the creature. Eventually, the two stand on top of the tower, Samus' hair blowing dramatically in the wind as she aims her gun at Pip-

Samus: All right, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide you b*st*rd! Come quietly, or let me blow your ******' head off, it doesn't matter!
Pip: Ha! Even if you destwoy me, potty mouth, my mastew will twiumph!
Samus: Who IS this master anyway?
Pip: You'll find out soon enough! Bye bye -bleep-!

-out of nowhere, Pip has a jet pack and leaps off the tower, flying off-

Samus: Not on my watch!

-rushing to the edge, Samus takes aim and fires a shot.....accurately knocking out the fuel line-

Pip: No!!!! Impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Samus stares down, blowing a few strand of hair out of her face as she watches the mastermind fall to his demise-

Millenia: Of course, you were there DJ, as you can see from this other footage...you took this yourself, right?
DJ: Yup...
Millenia: Anyway, the S.T.A.R.S. carted off what was left of Pip's body as Samus was treated, rather uncooperatively, by the local ambulance force. As I stated, Samus has no charges placed against her, though she did issue a statement a few days later

-Samus in front of a few microphones-

Samus: Well, I was always suspicious about Vincent murdering Starky. While he certainly isn't the most cheerful man around, it seemed far too different from what his cousin Jill told me about him. Eventually, I came across some discarded camera footage that had been deleted...but of course, I uncovered it and gave a copy to S.T.A.R.S. , the Intergalactic Police and several others. I was given the go ahead to give chase and....while I personally don't care, I suppose it's unfortunate this occurred...

Millenia: Well, there's Samus being Samus...anyway, on the Vincent end of this story, we go back to DJ and the studio. DJ?

DJ: Thanks Millenia, and have a safe flight back. As she was saying, yes, Vincent Valentine has indeed been cleared of all charges, and has been released from Termina escorted by his acquaintance and attorney Tifa Lockhart, who had a hand in helping Samus find the footage, and his cousin Jill Valentine. They all issued statements...

Tifa: I KNEW there was something suspicious about the video footage of Vinny here supposedly stabbing Cham Cham to death was fishy. So I contacted Samus and it all panned out. I promised I'd prove his innocence, and I'm glad I played a part....being the attorney and all...

Jill: Well, while my cousin here is a bit of a sociopath, I always thought he wasn't capable of murder...at least not out in the open...

Vincent: ............pity, I would have liked that zombie infested world. A perfect place to drown in the hopeless pity of existence and...

DJ: Erm, we'll cut Vinny off there. Now, as for the fate of the Cute Creatures Kick Ass Party, we go live to their headquarters in El Nido with my buddies Foyusa and FPB.


Foyusa: Exactly DJ!
FPB: Heya! Now, as far as the CCKA is concerned, there are rumblings that it is in turmoil, and that it may even pull out of the Galbadian elections due to this crisis with its leader.
Foyusa: Already, funding is being yanked, and several supporters of the once powerful party have backed out, leaving it as shell of its former self.
FPB: One has to wonder if it will even continue to exist after this. In fact, the SS and UBA are already cheering the two party race on, as Mewtwo and Kuja are adjusting their speeches accordingly. We'll surely see more of this as this race continues.


DJ: All right, thanks guys. To you viewers, I do apologize for the rather...dreary edition, which is rather limited due to the news. Even so, through all this, we leave you tonight with a beacon of hope, perhaps, with our final story, away from all these political and social problems. On the continent of Balamb, Squall Leonhart and his wife Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart have announced that they are expecting a child! You heard it right, commander Squall is to be a father in nine months time, and as expected, he replied to all the press with a resounding...

Squall: ...whatever...
Rinoa: Oh come on Squall! He may not admit it, but both of us are very excited by this, and we can't wait to see our child...this is a new experience for both of us, after all...

DJ: Well, with that happy news, we now leave you tonight. For Millenia, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird, I'm DarkJuno, bidding you all a fond and sane day. See ya for the 30th Edition!