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[DarkJuno]

Frozen Blitzball Player, future cataclysm, and paperbacks! All this and more, on the 23rd Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Millenia.........Foyusa.........Freaky Psychic Bird.......and on the spot correspondent Mai Shiranui......this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter.........

-news desk-

DJ: Heya everyone, and welcome to another edition of DJ:(N)RR! Once more, I'm your kickin' host DJ, and naturally with me here....
Millenia: ...is me, Millenia! Hi everyone! Over there at the Letters' Desk are, as usual...

-Letters' Desk-

Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: And FPB! Running out of adjectives there, eh?
DJ: Bah, whatever! Let's just get this thing rolling....

-news mode-

Millenia: First up tonight, we bring reports that the FFMCC has sent "newbie" member Tidus to Icicle Inn to represent the Council at the Clean Up Event there. The FFVII World has yet to completely recover from the threat of the meteor a few years ago, and small towns near the Northern Crater, such as Icicle Inn, are still struggling to put everything back together. The group plans to help re-route power lines and repair everything by Christmas, as this project had been on hold for years now. FFVII Representative Cloud Strife, along with a few other members, explain,

Cloud: You see, this has been on my agenda ever since I came here, but it's taken so long to get it done. Besides, it's another excuse to get the smiley boy outta here for a few weeks!
Cecil: Indeed! His whining was getting on my nerves...
Terra: Now now men, technically he was sent since he's been relegated as the "newbie" once more, so it's all in the clear.

Millenia: Tidus, however, was heard grumbling and complaining about the cold weather as he was flown to the small town.

DJ: Problems arise in the Mushroom Kingdom, as security camera footage shows the crown Princess Peach Toadstool entering a rather seedy hotel.....only to be followed a few minutes alter by world class sniper Irvine Kinneas. What's more, the two were seen leaving the hotel in the morning, one after the other. Later, Irvine denies any wrongdoing and cites that they only ran into each other on the way out of the building. However, he does quip....

Irvine: Hmmm, ya gotta wonder...what was she doing there anyway?

DJ: Princess Peach was unavailable for comment, as she has been visiting with fellow sovereign, Zelda, of Hyrule, discussing matters of state.

Millenia: Hmm, those two seem to be pretty good friends, spending all this time together...anywho, speaking of Hyrule, famed fortune teller Cait Sith announced that within a hundred years time, Hyrule will suffer a great disaster and will be struck underwater, just like the ancient city of Atlantis. He warns that a cataclysmic event will occur, and in the end, the proud country will be submerged, only to re appear completely changed. While Zelda was unavailable for comment, her trusted former nanny and close friend Impa, of the Shiekah Tribe, states,

Impa: Tch...Cait Sith, or rather, Reeve is a decent man, but this is mere lunacy, or a joke. Ganondorf has been sealed in the Dark World, and Hyrule's prosperity seems to have no sign of slowing down.

Millenia: The Hero of Time, Link, had this to add,

Link: Hyrule flooded? Yeah, and there's going to be a game with another overly angsty, long haired, girly villain fighting against an equally angsty hero and his large racked girlfriend....yeah right.

Millenia: This prediction, as well as several others, may be found in Reeve's forthcoming book of disasters waiting to happened. It's set to be released next March.

DJ: Speaking of books, Squall Leonhart's best seller, "Whatever: How Apathy can Work for you but Eventually Reduce to you being Whipped by a Somewhat Annoying, Black Haired, Blonde Streaked Japanese Girl" was released in Paperback earlier this week, with new introductions by Esthar President Laguna Loire and his at the time of writing fiancée Rinoa Heartilly. To commemorate the release, Squall is appearing at the Barnes & Noble in Deling City for a book signing, and it is here that we join DJ:(N)RR on the spot correspondent Mai Shiranui, live at the scene. Can you hear me Mai?

-fuzzy picture, slowly clearing up to reveal Mai, in her usual attire (or lack thereof) standing by a long line in a bookstore. Notably, most of them are females-

Mai: Konnichiwa DJ-tachi!!!!!
DJ: Heya Mai!
Millenia: Hi! What's it like over there?
Mai: Oh, the excitement around here is insane! People are lined up around the block for Squa-chan's book signing, though remember ladies, he's already married to Rinoa!
-at that, apparently the entire line groans behind Mai as the grudgingly acknowledge the fact-
Mai: Teehee! Here's the report!

-Mai's pre taped report comes on-
Mai Voice Over: It's a bright sunny day in Deling City, as people are showing up here to await Squall Leonhart's arrival! This past week, the special, paperback edition of Squall's best selling book "Whatever" was released, and fans have been eating it up, as it's once again, #1 on the Esthar Times Best Sellers List. While Squall wasn't set to arrive until sometime in the afternoon, as you can see, fans have already been packing the bookstore...and the streets it's on!

Crazed Fangirl #1: Yeah, I LOVE Squall! I don't care if he's married, I need to meet him!
Crazed Fangirl #2: Not if I meet him first! He's sooooooooo hot!!! -drool-
Crazed Fangirl #5: Back off, he mine b*tch!!!

Mai, back on the screen as cops are pulling the three fighting girls off each other in the background- Er, let's go inside, shall we?

Mai VO, as she walks in: Naturally, being part of the press, I could avoid all this!
Mai: Ah, here he is! Squa-chan!!!
Squall: -rolls eyes and groans- Mai.......
Mai: So! What about the book?
Squall: .........-looks over at Rinoa- Do I have to?
Rinoa: Of course you do silly!
Squall: -grumble- Well...you see, after I came back from the Time Compression, I began to...sort of try and open up, since being a loner wasn't quit the same as it was before. So, I wrote this book a few years later, giving accounts of how it is to be a loner and a sociopath...
Rinoa: Hehe, it's basically a warning for people!
Mai: Ah, I see! I'm more surprised at how....funny it is, actually!
Squall: -glares darkly- I don't see why it's funny....
Mai: You seem to be the only one who doesn't! I mean, just the front cover and title alone are humorous!
Squall: ....Whatever.......
Mai: Anyway, thanks for speaking to us before going out there and facing the rabid masses of girls screaming your name.
Squall: No problem...-rolls eyes at the sound of the screaming girls, though Rinoa looks a bit annoyed by it-

-back tot he present-

Mai: And of course, here's my copy, signed by the man himself!
DJ: Heh, looks like Rinoa's going to have to watch Squall like a hawk, eh?
Mai: Looks like it! And by the way DJ-chan...-picks up another copy- I got yours signed too!
Millenia: You have a copy?
DJ: -nervous laugh- Um, hey, it's funny.....Mai Shiranui everyone!!!
Mai: Ja ne!!!
Millenia: -suspiciously eyes DJ- We'll be back after this.....

-three dumb kids and their equally dumb baby sitter walking down a beach-

DK#1: Erm, are you sure about this?
DB: Sure I am! C'mon, I know you three all have a secret crush on me....
DK#3: Wha? where'd you get an idea like that!?
DK#2: -drool- Er, yeah!
DB: -rolls eyes- So, I'm going to do it...I'll get implants!!!

-inexplicably, Tifa Lockhart and Kasumi leap out of the ocean and land in front of the two. Strangely enough, the two are totally dry-

Tifa: Hold on Kid, er, young adult!
DK#2: -hearts in eyes- Tifa!!!
DK#1: And Kasumi!
DK#3: Word, yo!!!
Kasumi: What's this about getting implants?
DB: Well, I don't know, I just won a few million gil from the lottery, and hey, what the hell?
Tifa: You know, with a big rack comes an equally large responsibility, both to others and yourself...
DB: Bah, whatever....I’m going anyway!
Kasumi: Suit yourself....

-a few months later.....-

DK#2: Wow, that was a pretty kick ass few months huh? We were able to save the world...
DK#1: stop a maniac from destroying the world..
DK#3: But most importantly, finally get laid!
DK's: Hell yeah! -high fives-
-DB walks onto the beach, noticeably larger-
DB: Hi kids!
DK#1: Holy %$#*&%$#^%!!!!!!!!!! Damn those doctors did a good job!
DK#2: I'll say...-drool-
DB: Heh, thanks! Excuse me, I'm going for a swim!
Tifa: Hey, be careful! Remember what we said about...
DB: Bah, be quiet! I know what I'm doing....-jumps in the water- ARRRGGHH!!!!!

-the Three DK's, and both the mysteriously re appearing Tifa and Kasumi watch as DB is swept away in the waves-

Kasumi: We warned her.....
Tifa: Sad sad...remember..-puts hand on DK#2's shoulder- If you ever have implants, read the manual!
DK#2: Sure, thanks for letting us...er, me know!
All: And knowing is half the battle!!! -cheesy grins-

Millenia: Wise words.....and now, to our weekly feature........

-special vocal effects-

LETTERS TO MODIFIED, EXISTING POKEMON!!!

DJ: Take it away, Foyusa and FPB!

-letters' desk-

FPB: Thanks guys! This week's letter comes from Mumbo's Mountain! It reads....

"Dear Bug and Bird,

I have problem. Bear and Bird do well, but need my help sometimes. But now, other magic person come along. She suck. She cannot make good magic, only strange machines and junk, no good animals but for spell she stole from me! Me must have revenge on stupid tepee girl.

Skull head Shaman"

FPB: Hmmmm, well, if she stole the spell form you, you certainly should get credit for it! But still, revenge may not be the right idea....maybe this has more to do with jealousy or even affection, eh? Just be careful.
Foyusa: Well, I say you should lure her into a false sense of security and snatch the spell back! Besides, this way you can have some "fun" too....
FPB: .....back to you......

Millenia: -reading DJ's copy of Squall's book- Hey! I never knew Squall was still a virgin until he married Rinoa!
DJ: Well, seeing as how he probably scared everyone off....anyway, ready Millenia?
Millenia: Yup!!

-clears throat-

Millenia: Smiling Freak sent up north,
DJ: Hopefully, he'll end up in the damage report.
Millenia: Peachy Princess may be hiding a fling,
DJ: Though certainly not with one who gun slings.
Millenia: Hylian Flood to wash away land?
DJ: Not likely, though it'd be pretty bad.
Millenia: Sociopath hopes to help others,
DJ: Just so long as he's nice about his mother.
Millenia: And finally, before we end this thing,
DJ: It looks like I'll have to give Ice Mountain a ring!

-boos-

DJ: ..........okay.......remember, join us next week as we report live from the brand spanking new Ice Mountain Ski Lodge and resort! While not open to the public until next year, we and several other names will be there, so tune in for next week's edition!
Millenia: I am SO going to beat Elena in a race!
DJ: Well, we'll see! So for Millenia, Foyusa, Freaky Psychic Bird, and Mai Shiranui, I'm DarkJuno, bidding you all a sane and pleasant day...see ya!