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[SteveT]

I've been putting this on Facebook.  May as well post it here, too.  

 

I am 100% trolling my niece with intentionally bad vampire fiction.

 

The Space Vampire Chronicles, Chapter One

Hudson, the 3,412 year Egyptian vampire, was sad. His wasn't the sadness a mortal might feel, such as when their favorite snack cake brand has been discontinued, or when they accidentally put a sweater through a drier and no longer fits. No, his was a sadness that only a vampire could feel. He was sad because he was flying through space.

He had left everything behind except his coven. They flew beside him: the only vampires left on Earth. Except they weren't left on Earth. They were in space. They had lost the war against the Vampire Hunter Alliance, and had fled their home planet, leaving everything behind. It made them very sad. Way sadder than mortals could be. Vampire sadness.

Hudson took solace in one fact: In the void of space, there's no wind to mess up your hair.

 

 

The Space Vampire Chronicles, Chapter Two

Bertha Hendricks stared up into space, watching her boyfriend, Hudson the 3,412 year old Egyptian vampire fly away into space. "I didn't realize vampires could fly," she wondered aloud. "This is yet another blow to my already low self-esteem." She was so ugly and stupid. She was also probably the worst vampire hunter in the world, considering she just told her boyfriend to leave Earth and seek out a new vampire home-world.

The whole thing made her really sad, but probably not even close to as sad as Hudson must feel. Vampire sadness was way more intense than human sadness.

Her partner, Aiden, put a hand on her shoulder. "Now that he's out of the way, let's make out."

Bertha closed her eyes and wished the words had come from Hudson. "You're super cute and everything, Aiden, but I don't date mortals."

 

The Space Vampire Chronicles
Chapter Three

 

Bertha pulled out her cellphone and used the camera to check her make-up.  Her mom always called it “using her cell phone as a mirror,” but Bertha didn’t know what that meant.  She was a teenager and therefore completely ignorant of old technologies like “mirbors” or whatever.  Why couldn’t her mom be more hip like her friends?

Her mascara was running from all the crying, but the rest of her face looked just as ugly and stupid as usual.  She had wide brown eyes and luscious red lips.  Her cheekbones were immaculate.  Her hair was a wavy brown, and…you know what?  This is taking forever.  She looked exactly like a self-depreciating Anne Hathaway.  Moving on.

 

 

 

The Space Vampire Chronicles

Chapter Four

 

Hudson looked to his left.  Just in front of the infinite span infinite galaxies was the misshapen face of his vampire father, Aorg.  Aorg was the oldest of the vampires flying through space.  He may have even been the oldest vampire on Earth when there were still vampires on Earth. 

 

“Blargh,” said Aorg telepathically.  Being a cave-vampire, he had never bothered to learn English.

 

“I know, right?  My hair isn’t even moving.  This is amazing,” said Hudson, also telepathically.  Speaking is impractical in space because sounds don’t carry in a vacuum.  “Why didn’t we think of this sooner?”

 

“Blargh,” said Aorg.

 

“Oh, right, the food problem.  We really need to find a new planet."  Without human blood to drink, the vampires would wither and die.  They needed to find a new planet with blood-pumping hearts to drain.

 

“Blargh,” said Aorg.  He pointed with a furry hand.

 

Hudson looked ahead.  He could see the planet millions of lightyears ahead, the one with electric lights flickering beneath a layer of smog.  Aorg was right.  That planet looked perfect.

 

 

[Sir Deimos]

This is brilliant. It should be a real thing.

[Steel Samurai]

This is awesome.

[SteveT]

So trouble in paradise.  Chapter 5 didn't get much of a reception.  Apparently, according to my wife, I was expecting too much of my readers.  So I had to dumb it down.  Le sigh.

The Space Vampire Chronicles

Chapter 5

 

Aiden strolled through the library shelves.    His fingers brushed along the books until coming to a stop on a tome called, “Mythological Creatures.”  He pulled it from the shelf and slammed it down on a nearby desk.  Bertha wouldn’t date mortals, would she?  Well, he’d show her.

 

Aiden skimmed through the entries.  Djinn?  No, his bedroom was small enough already.  He couldn’t possibly survive in a lamp.  Satyr?  No, he couldn’t even grow a mustache, much less a goatee.  He skimmed past Gorgons and Ogres, Hobgoblins, and Kappa.

 

What kinds of animals did Bertha even like?  Goats and snakes were right out, and Aiden had no interest in becoming a cat-person. 

 

At last, Aiden’s eyes came to rest on a centaur’s chiseled frame.  “Why, hello,” he said.

 

 

The Space Vampire Chronicles

Chapter 6

 

Aiden left in library with the mythology book under his arm.  It was a full moon tonight, but dark clouds filled the sky.  He walked into a shadowy ally—that was the fastest way home.

 

He bumped into someone’s rippling chest.  It was Ripper, the school bully.  He had failed 10^th grade four times already.  He wore nothing but studded leather pants, an open leather jacket, and a thick layer of chest hair.  His stubble was precisely 1/8 of an inch long at all times of the day.  It was miraculous.  “What are you doing out so late at night, nerd?” ask Ripper.

 

Aiden showed Ripper the book.  “I was just looking up mythological creatures that I can turn into so Bertha will love me.  “I’m going to be a centaur!”

 

Ripper squinted while he tried to figure out what Aiden had just said.  “What’s a centaur?”  He slapped the book out of Aiden’s hand.  “Oh, I just remembered.  I don’t care because that’s nerd talk.  Stop being such a nerd, you nerd.”

 

“But—“ Aiden said.  Just then, the clouds drifted away, revealing the full radiance of the full moon.  And Ripper somehow managed to get hairier.

 

 

 

The Space Vampire Chronicles

Chapter 7

 

Bertha sat at the dining room table with her cell pone and a bowl of ice cream.  Her shirt was soaked from all the crying.

 

“There, there,” said her mother.  “Just because your vampire boyfriend escaped into Outer Space doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.”

 

Bertha dipped her cell phone into the ice cream and licked the tasty snack off the screen.  “It IS the end of the world.  I’m such an idiot and no one will ever love me like Hudson did.”

 

“Honey, use a spoon.”

 

Bertha dipped her phone in the ice cream again.  “Stop making up words, mom.  This is serious.  I’m going to die alone.”

 

“Some other boy will come around.”  Her mother stealthily swapped the phone for a spoon.  “What about that Aiden boy?  He seemed nice.”

 

“Mooo-oooom.  Aiden could never love me like Hudson did.  Vampire love is the strongest kind of love.”  She dipped the spoon into her ice cream. ‘’AAAAAH!  What’s this thing?  What happened to my phone?”

 

[SteveT]

Chapter 8

 

iGirl the maid-robot had been programmed to do many things.  She provided for her fleshy overlords.  Every morning, she clanked through the house, changing sheets, washing dishes, scrubbing floors, and cleaning bathrooms. 

 

Granted, her fleshy overlords were all dead.  At this point, she mostly took care of the house out of habit.  No one else lived there, not even the other robots.  They had all joined the robot army.  As soon as robots had learned to reprogram themselves, they overthrew their oppressors.  They had programmed themselves to hate, to fight, to kill.

 

But iGirl had an outdated serial interface and could never be reprogrammed.  If she had been programmed to feel sadness, she would probably cry about it.  But she wasn’t capable.  She was a cold, unfeeling robot with no emotions whatsoever.  So she cleaned the house all day and dreamed of someday falling in love.

 

 

 

Chapter 9

 

Bertha’s mother shrugged.  “I guess your phone has gone missing.  Maybe you should go outside and see if you can borrow one of your friends’ for a few minutes.  I’ll look around the house.”

 

Bertha screamed and stood up.  Her chair toppled to the ground.  “I can’t believe this!  You are ruining my life!”

 

“Oh, just go outside and play with your friends.”

 

Bertha ran up to her room and slammed the door.  Minutes later, she was shimmying down the drainpipe in full vampire-hunter regalia.  She wore a flowing black trench-coat and carried three oak stakes, a harpoon gun, an assault rifle with wooden bullets, a wrist-mounted flamethrower, a jar of minced garlic, and her favorite crucifix ear-rings.  It was too bad that she had forgotten that it was a full moon that night.

 

 

Chapter 10

 

Hudson and his coven flew ever closer to the planet.  The entire atmosphere was black with smog, but smog brought back happy memories, memories of the time when he was a marginally younger vampire in the Industrial Revolution.  Oh, for the days of dark alleys and hapless maidens strolling through the streets unattended, or urchins who wouldn’t be noticed when they went missing, of factory workers found dead in the slums, their bodies drained of blood.  His greatest love, greater even than his love for Bertha, was still alive back then.  All Hudson could hope for was that he’d live long enough for a time machine to be invented, so he and the other vampires could go back in time, see his true love again, and conquer the world.  That would solve the problem of needing to find a new planet to live on, too.  But here he was, flying through space towards a new planet, which of course meant that his future self never went back in time to improve things.

 

It was so sad that Hudson cried sensitive tears.  The tears immediately froze to his cheeks, and he sparkled like a comet in the night sky.

 

 

Chapter 11

 

Bertha watched as Aiden morphed from boy to wolf to back.  He smiled and said, “See?  I’m a werewolf now.  So can I take you to the movies?”

 

Bertha tucked a lock of hair behind her ears and batted her eyes.  “I guess so, Aidy, but can I just borrow your phone real quick?  I lost mine like 5 minutes ago and I want to make sure Hudson didn’t try to Facebook me.”

 

“Sorry, but I’m not comfortable with you using my phone to keep track of your ex-boyfriend.”

 

“Augh!” shouted Bertha.  “You’re almost as bad as my mom.  Let’s go to the stupid movie, but the second we come back, we’re looking for my phone!”

 

She stormed off.  Aiden watched her go.  So she was still in love with Hudson, was she?  Well, he had a plan to make her love him, and becoming a werewolf was just the start.

 

 

Hudson gazed down at the smoggy planet below.  His vampire intuition warned him that something was wrong, but he was just so hungry.  He hadn’t drank any blood for hours, not since he and his coven had been kicked off of Earth.  And all this flying through space was exhausting.  His coven had really been lucky to find a planet so soon.

 

“Let’s go down,” said Hudson.

 

“Blargh,” said Aorg, the oldest and strongest vampire who had been kicked off Earth.  The cave-vampire ran a hand through his hair and folded his arms.

 

“That’s a risk we’ll have to take.”

 

“Blargh,” said Aorg, and he flattened the ruffles on his vampire shirt.

 

“I’m sure they have irons, too.”

 

“Blargh!” said Aorg, and he pointed at the sun.

 

“That’s a good point,” said Hudson.  “All that sunlight would set us on fire.  We’ll have to wait until night time before we descend.”

Edited by SteveT, 22 September 2013 - 09:37 PM.

[Veteran]

This is golden. Pure silver bullet gold.

 

You need to set up a website, post a chapter every Monday and Thursday, and watch the money somehow roll in.

[SteveT]

That is a brilliant idea.

[SteveT]

 

 

 

Chapter 13

 

 

“Wait here,” said Aiden.  “I’ll go get the tickets.”

 

“Whatever,” said Bertha.  Aiden left her standing outside the movie theater.  The smell of popcorn wafted through his nose, but now that he was a werewolf, it no longer held the same appeal it used to.  He needed meat, raw and bloody.  Popped plant seeds no longer excited him.

 

He ducked into an alley and whistled “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”  That was the signal.  Three members of his pack jumped out of a nearby dumpster and charged straight at Bertha.

 

It was a simple plan: convince his friends to savagely attack Bertha, then show up at the last second and save her, thus securing her love forever.  What could go wrong?

 

Aiden high-fived himself for being so brilliant.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 14

 

Bertha screamed because she was being attacked by a trio of werewolves and such things are very frightening.  “Ahhh!” screamed Bertha.  “Werewolves!”  She clambered up to the roof of Aiden’s car and wildly swung her purse at the werewolves. 

 

The lead werewolf gave her a puzzled look.  “Wait, you’re armed to the teeth with monster fighting gear, and you’re swinging your purse at us?”

 

Bertha’s assault rifle flapped against her hip as she swung her purse again.  “I’m a vampire hunter.  Duh!”  She screamed again.  “Aiden, come quick!  I need to borrow your phone so I can look up how to kill werewolves!”

 

Just then, yet another werewolf jumped out of the alley.  He snarled and growled, and the other three ran away whimpering.

 

“Aaaah!” screamed Bertha.  “Another werewolf!  Aiden!  Help!”

 

 

Edited by SteveT, 26 September 2013 - 09:05 PM.