11 replies to this topic

[Kisseena]

So I have this assignment where we read this children's book, but now I have to write it in another character's point of view.

 

The story was Back of the Bus and it's a story about a boy who witnesses Rosa Parks getting arrested when she refuses her seat.

 

I decided to write the book in the bus driver's point of view. I suck at writing, so I want you guys to read it and give me some feedback, because honestly, I do not trust any feedback from my "peers".

 

This is a rough draft, so it's rough. A lot of the story was stuff that was in the original story because it's based off the same book. Just a different point of view.

 

So yeah. Here.

 

I'm sorry if it's super bad.

 

 The Woman Who Said No.pdf   24.9K   5 downloads

[deep]

Why is it a pdfffffff

[Kisseena]

Because it wouldn't let me attach a .docx document.

[deep]

I thought we fixed that hullaballoo. Weird.

[deep]

Normally, I'd just comment-up a doc, but since I can't with this .pdf, I"ll just toss em here.

 

• getting' on line six should be gettin'
• He knows Mrs. Parks by name. Why?
• You don't identify the race of a.) the bus driver, b.) Mrs. Parks, c.) the passengers getting on the bus, nor do you identify why Mrs. Parks would have to move from her seat to make room for these people. You need some these moving parts to create your tension and spur your conflict. Hell, knowing the bus driver's race will help explain why he's so callous and cold to the situation.
• Line 9, "Just as I was gonna to turn around to continue" & Line 11, "I turn around and see" -- Contradictory blocking here. Which way is he facing?
• Have some dialog or at least reactions from the white passengers trying to get her to move.
• He claims he doesn't have time, has a schedule to keep, but decides to call the police, which is going to take time that he doesn't have?
• Why did he expect the boy and his mama to look "shaky"?

[Sir Deimos]

I would write it from the bus' point of view.

[deep]

"Sure wish people would bathe before getting into me."

[Sir Deimos]

The bus was sentient. Surprisingly it never really came up.

[Nameless_Joe]

I would write it from the bus' point of view.

 

Sir Deimos for the win!

[Kisseena]

I bet one of you could do that and it will be super hilarious.

Also, I should probably mention that this will be a picture book, so I will be drawing pictures to go with this.

 

Also, I'm happy I put this here because my classmates were useless when it came to feedback. So thanks. I will take what you guys said into consideration. :B

[Toan]

I'm a few days late, sorry, but I think I just added the ability to upload .docx files to LA. Let me know if I need to twerk tweak it some more.

[Kisseena]

Okay, so this is my story before I include the pictures.

I added a few more things.

I'll scan and add in the final pages when I'm done. c:

 

EDIT: I've taken out the colored people line. I feel it's not necessary since the pictures will say.

I've also noticed the typo with the they/her towards the end.

Attached Files

•  The Woman Who Said No.docx   128.95K   5 downloads

Edited by Kisseena, 11 September 2013 - 08:07 PM.