2 replies to this topic

[Ikiosho]

I don't enjoy writing. I never have. Literally one of my least favorite things to do. And this didn't really change it.
But out of all of my English classes I've ever taken, what sticks with me the most was how amazed my 7th grade teacher was at Charles Dickens for going into as much description as he does and having it leave an image.
I just saw the new Great Gatsby movie, and it reminded me of this, how I saw a physical image of what was described in the pages of that book.

So I decided to try it out. It's kinda long, and I can't guarantee it's going to be worth your read. And I don't really care if it's good writing or bad writing. I just want to know if it worked. I'll probably add some illustrations to accompany sections later on. Drawing is good.

Spoiler

this is probably just some silly inspired spurt
I’ll probably look back on this and erase it the next time I see it
but
I want to make someone understand
so I’m going to take you with me through this scene
and
if I can accurately paint this scene for you
then my mission is accomplished
begin with a blank canvas
and leave with the painting at the least

we’re going to go on a walk
this isn’t a walk with purpose or intent
we’re walking just to walk
it’s a slow collected stride
and as we commence
you suddenly recognize all of the muscles
flexing and relaxing
extending and retracting
attached to your bones and tendons
that are operating to move your legs
to keep your body erect
to swing your arms
to maintain your continuous smile
and keep your head looking forward
your fluid body composition sways with your steps
you feel your feet making contact with the ground
there’s a lot to see on our walk
but really we’ve seen it all before
except now
we’re walking on the clouds
the sky is all around us
it’s a magnificent deep blue
it’s not baby blue
think of it as maybe 4 o’clock
except that doesn’t really matter
the clouds are greyscale
tinted slightly golden
they have the consistency of flour
they’re solid and tangible
but still very soft and not viscous
they support our weight
comfortably
and
quietly
the sun is beaming from directly above
where we are
it’s always bright
it’s always warm
maybe around 70 degrees
we don’t have to worry about
shivering or sweating
it’s just right
we’ve been laughing
not intensely
and not because something is funny
but just because our walk is enjoyable
we can see all around the cloud layer
and down in between at the world below
it’s safe to look
we won’t fall
but from this height
there’s not much to see
and down there
there’s not much to see either
the world blow
I would describe
as superficial and collapsing
with everything to lose
we’re right where we should be
and we choose not to look down much
yet our field of vision
encompasses everything
we can see all around
and
the smell of the clouds
it’s like that smell after a rain
that everyone talks about
but it’s always here
and it’s strong
and we never get tired of it
and there’s that subtle ketone smell
like raspberries
and good memories
you can feel the humidity radiating from the clouds
the dampness on your skin
we haven’t said a word
but we know exactly what is going on
the wind is consistently blowing softly
in a direction from the front and to the left of us
it’s enough to blow our hair around
but it still whispers
it does not howl or whip
and where we walk
it seems we make it rain beneath our feat
and we can still hear the rattle of its drops
from the world below
every once in a while
I look down at myself
I bring my arms toward my face
and look at my hands
and my legs
and belly
they’re not toned
they’re not plump
they’re shaped
like arms
and hands
and a belly
because that’s what they are
they aren’t tools or machines
only a part of me
my skin doesn’t have a color
it’s not important anyway
I just appreciate what I have
then I look up
not at you
but our other companion
there’s been someone else walking with us
her
her appearance isn’t what you’d expect
it’s not a mask
or an outfit
it directly reflects herself inside
and it is good
her face
her shape
her gait
her hair
her smile
her laugh
biologically
you like these traits
because they’re suitable in a mate
but here
you just appreciate them because you know
they represent who she is
and they are beautiful
and they are good
you want to describe her
by comparing her to something else
but you can’t find the words
because there is nothing better
and we look at each other
normally you don’t smile
or laugh this much
but we haven’t been talking
but we haven’t said a word
and we know
that things are going well

[Ikiosho]

I don't like double posting or asking for attention normally

 

But hey, everyone's a hypocrite

 

If you read this, I just want to know if it's worth the time and effort to add illustrations still. I don't know what other people think about it.

[Steel Samurai]

Do the illustrations.

 

 

Part of the issue is that you have too many line breaks. It makes your train of thought a little too disjointed to follow. See what you can combine into complete thoughts, and then try and do stanzas as well, then do one illustration per stanza.

 

You're on to something with the emotions, it's just hard to really see if the content is working because of the format.