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[DarkJuno]

An update on DJ's condition, and an unhappy heroine. All this and more, on the 17th Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

-somber intro-

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Millenia.........Foyusa.....Freaky Psychic Bird......Special correspondent Mai Shiranui......and Squall Leonhart.......this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter.........

Millenia: Hey everyone, and again, welcome to this edition of DJ:(N)RR!!! Happier news and emotions this week, as DJ's alive! And of course, I'm your hostess Millenia, and over there are...
Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: FPB! Taking some liberties there, eh?
Millenia: Well, since we know he'll be back in a couple of weeks and don't have to worry anymore, why not? And naturally, joining me here until DJ comes back is Mr. Unsmiley himself, Squall Leonhart!
Squall: ...........
Millenia: What?
Squall: ......whatever.........
Millenia: Uh, on to the news!

-news mode, music and all-

Millenia: First up, we bring you more on DJ's condition...we have received reports that he has woken up from his coma and is apparently just doing fine in Termina General Hospital, and the doctors fully expect him to be back up and running in a few weeks. For more on this story, we now turn to our main correspondent, Mai Shiranui on the scene in Clocktown....Mai?

-turns to the screen, as a fuzzy picture clears up with Mai, standing in front of a tall building, injured soldiers being brought in and out-

Mai: Konnichiwa Milly-chan!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millenia: Grrr.....hi Mai.....
Mai: SQUALL!!!! -waves excitedly-
Squall: ..........-waves half heartedly-
Mai: He he....anyway, you are correct, DJ is in perfectly stable condition, which is surprising seeing how he spent weeks presumably floating down Zora's river, somehow crossed the dimensional gateway, and drifting up onto Great Bay here in Termina. Naturally, doctors aren't letting any cameras in right now, BUT I did get this statement from good 'ol DJ. He says, -imitates DJ's not particularly deep but low voice- "Yeah yeah, I'm fine, whatever...just make sure the trio back at the station doesn’t mess with the set or anything, or else...."
Millenia: -looks up from a catalog of different kinds of desks- Huh?
Foyusa: Er...-quickly sweeps away the tiny model of a re-decorated set off the table-
Squall: ....like always....
Mai: -giggles- Yes, he seems to be recovering quite well, and we should have an on camera interview next week. Anyway, it is still rather puzzling about how he went from Hyrule into Termina without crossing the known entrance in the Lost Woods, but we're just glad to have him back, as is his family.......and of course, his friends...
Millenia: I bet DL's glad to...
Foyusa: I'd think so! -growls-
FPB: -slap-
Mai: -smiles-
Squall: What about these rumors of him moving though?
Mai: Oh, of course. Right now, Termina is, naturally, in the grip of war, so they do plan to move him to the Hyrule Medical Center in Hyrule Castle Town, which is a brand new, state-of-the art building over there. Princess Zelda and the Royal Family graciously offered, and DJ naturally accepted. He should be there before the interview next week.
Millenia: All right, well, thanks Mai...I guess...
Mai: Sure Milly-chan! Ja ne!!!!!

Squall: In other news, the Costa del Sol Villa of noted modern hero Cloud Strife was robbed this weekend. Cloud noticed this as he was coming back from the monthly FFMCC meeting (more on that later). As he was driving home late last night on his Hardy Davidson, he realized that the front shutters had been blown open and quickly rushed inside, seeing the place in shambles. After assessing the damage, it seems all that was taken was a couple of rather useless and common materia, albeit all mastered. The puzzled Cloud stated,

Cloud: Well, I would have expected people to steal my weapons or even my TV, but no, they just took some basic elemental spells and a couple of "All"s. I don't see why.....

Squall: Cloud's currently on-again but sometimes off-again girlfriend Tifa Lockhart was not at the scene as she had planned, having been out shopping with her friends....
Millenia: Including Rinoa!!!
Squall: .......-glare- Yes, well, the Costa del Sol S.T.A.R.S. division is puzzled as well, but plans to look into the case.....

Millenia: Speaking of the FFMCC, -elbows Squall- the council met today to discuss their involvement in the upcoming Galbadia elections, especially since one of their members -snicker- happened to be in that world. The parties all plan to announce their candidates next week, and the council is a bit torn as to whom they should support...as you can see from this video........

-black and white video of the meeting, everyone set up just like before-

Terra: So.....who should we back this time around?
Fighter: Hmph, I'm guessing you guys down there want to go for the UBA, eh?
Cloud: Not really...Sephiroth and all that...
Tidus: Aw, why not? All of us down here ARE bishounen, right?
Zidane: Heh, well, YOU certainly are smiley.....
Tidus: Hey, that's not nice! Besides, Cute-short-sleeved-white-shirted--girl is the newbie now, not me!
Cecil: Are you suggesting that we pick on a woman!?
Bartz: Jerk.....
Squall: ...............
Terra: Okay, okay, whatever, let's just get on with the meeting.....
Squall: Well, as Tidus said, we are Bishounen, but at the same time, it seems that the majority of the active participants in the UBA are also members of the Brotherhood of Evil Villains.
Zidane: Exactly! I mean, yeah, we're cardholders to the UBA, but still....doesn’t feel right....
Terra: Okay then...how about the SS?
Tidus: -makes a face- Ugh, no, stupid Nintendo Universe babies...
CSSWSG: Hey......they may be Nintendo, but when they get mad....
Cloud: And don't forget, those guys have a huge following, they're going to be a major party here......
Squall: place them to the side.
Terra: Right, what about CCKA?
Cecil: Sorry, I can't exactly put my trust in a creature, regardless of how cute...besides, Pip himself is running for president, and if he wins, then well, the entire CCKA will take power....
Terra: Right, and we can't have that......How about Master Chief and the "Cool" Party?
-everyone states silently for a minute before bursting out laughing, even Squall does that freaky smile of his-
Zidane: Woo boy, yeah, right........
Tidus: Even I'm not THAT stupid.......er, I mean.....
Bartz: He admitted it!

Millenia: Obviously, the FFMCC has yet to reach a decision, and they will eventually announce it...right Squall?
Squall: .....I'm not at liberty to reveal anything at the moment............
Millenia: Figures.......

Squall: In other news, old time hero Alys Bagwin has come out of her life of peace and isolation and has lashed out at society in a press conference earlier today. Her complaint? The state of heroes and heroines......

Alys: Back in the day, and even for a long time after I retired, heroes and heroines were the real deal....they fought valiantly for noble causes, such as Link, and even set standards for everyone, especially the one TRUE "grandmother" of heroines, Samus Aran...even I look up to her as an idol. But sadly, this has all gone down the drain. Now I look at the news, and what do I see? Men running around with intricate hairstyles, fighting bizarre and asinine creatures, all while attempting to keep their disturbingly feminine looks nice and clean. Even Link has gone to "the dark side," sporting his blonde looks and somewhat stylish behavior. I am more alarmed by these so called "heroines" who do nothing more then walk into panty shots and purposely forget to wear undergarments as to "move" inappropriately. I am condemning you all, and warning you to change......

Squall: Obviously, Alys, isn't quite happy with the sate of heroes, and plans to write a book on what a "true" hero should be, interviewing those she believes upholds these issues. Now, if you excuse me for a minute, I must speak. While I respect Alys, as she was one of the earliest RPG heroes, and indeed, THE first heroine, PLUS she does not resort to....-glances at Millenia, and shakes his head- Never mind, but she is obviously clinging to the useless past far too much. While yes, certain heroes are getting full of themselves and give us all a bad name, we all do what we are meant to do: save lives, and possibly the world. That is what a true hero must do, whether you be male, female, a knight, a rogue, or whatever......this is the new style, and as with all styles, it will eventually change as well. Will it turn back to its original form, or will it move even further forward? No one can say for sure, but the only way heroism is betrayed is by characters who pervert its true meaning, and NOT its looks..........Millenia?

Millenia: Hmmm, thanks Squall -why'd he look at me when he mentioned heroines?- Anyway, finally tonight, we have reports that Vincent Valentine has been spotted in Hyrule. These are unconfirmed at this moment, but it seems that the Dragoons AND Samus are taking this as a fact and seem to be on their way. If that is so, Vincent is pretty much trapped due to the Tri-Force's selective permeability when it comes to magical gates. If Vincent wishes to leave Hyrule, it can only be done so either by finding one of the natural dimensional portals in the Lost Woods, or the Royal Family's opening of one via the Temple of Time, as was done for the Esthar coalition. More on this as it develops.......we'll be right back..........


-Kuja pops up in front of a nice looking waterfall-
Kuja: Hello friends....look at this beautiful natural wonder, and the majesty given by it..........and now, it can be yours, in bottle form. Indeed, introducing a new product from your trusted friends at Bishounenco. , it's New Mountain Falls Shampoo and Conditioner, with Adamantoise Shell and Phoenix Pinion to keep your hair nice, smooth, and life-like. Why, take a look for yourself....

-cut to a bathroom, where a naked Serge stands, thankfully, his lower half is covered by a low shower wall.........though it should be noted he doesn’t look very happy. Inexplicably, Kuja walks in.

Kuja: Watch now as our volunteer uses the new Bishounenco. Brand on the left side, but Brand X on the other........

-elapsed time-

Kuja: So,. it's been 20 minutes, what now?
Serge: ..............
Kuja: What's that?
Serge: .........-points to left side-
Kuja: There you have it! Proof that Bishounenco Shampoo works! -giggles-

-somehow, the scene changes to Kuja alone in front of a desk stacked with bottles of Bishounenco. Brand Shampoo-

Kuja: Bishounenco, bringers of fine products worldwide for that feminine look...for men!

-somehow, Selphie pops out of nowhere-

Selphie: Heeeeeeeeeeey! And don't forget girls, pick up Bishoujoco's own new line of shampoo for your own smooth, silky hair needs! Booyaka!!!!!

-back to the show-

Millenia: Hmmm, maybe I should try some of that.........
Squall: .......whatever.............
Millenia: Well, anyway, it's time again for our weekly feature....

-special effects and all that jazz-

LETTERS TO MODIFIED EXISTING POKEMON!!!

Squall: ...........
Millenia: SQUALL!!!!
Squall: .........take it away, Foyusa and FPB...............

-letters' desk-

FPB: Thanks guys! This week's letter comes from Marbule. It reads....

"Dear Foyusa and FPB,

Gah, what is WITH these people? They believe that I am a fool merely because of my father. Both of us are great explorers and have been brilliant in our fields, but no, everyone has shunned us....it goes back to one of my ancestors even. My family gets no respect, save the few intelligent folk out there...help?

Numbered Great Explorer"

FPB: Hmmm, well Numbered, I have to say, first you have to look at yourself...do they have a reason for shunning you? If not, then hey, maybe they're just jealous...somehow, I think there really is something wrong though....
Foyusa: Eh, who cares, if you're such a great explorer, then you should have some major discoveries, right? Then...where are they? Back to you guys......

-Millenia and Squall are playing Triple Triad-
Millenia: Ha! In your face baby, Rinoa!!!!
Squall: -puts down a Laguna card- I win....
Millenia: No!!!!!!!!!!! -grumbles and hands over a Bahamut card- Anyway, thanks guys..........be sure to stay tuned to DJ:(N)RR for all your video game news needs! So, for Squall Leonhart, Foyusa, Freaky Psychic Bird, and Mai Shiranui, I'm Millenia. Bye everyone!!!