29 replies to this topic

[Sir Deimos]

I recently read this: http://m.facebook.co...h=CAQFcOi_H&s=1

Never mind the tone. He's been made defensive and judgmental by constantly having to defend his choice.

Religious aspects aside, is waiting until marriage still a practice we should follow?Are there truly any benefits towards waiting, or does it not affect the outcome of the marriage whatsoever?

And what of the pretentious sort like the man who wrote this?

I have a feeling that the entire forum, or at least the majority, will agree with each other.

[Sir Turtlelot]

I didn't bother reading the entire article, his pompous tone was irriating.

I think people should simply live their lives as they choose. Personally, I'm waiting for marriage, but for completely non-religious reasons. Have I been teased and made fun of, yes, though fortunately I have the ability of not giving a damn. The author acts as is if he is somehow better than those who don't choose to wait, which really just makes him look like an arrogant ass. If you want to wait, then wait. If not, then don't, but don't pretend that one way is somehow better than the other. Just live and let be.

[JRPomazon]

This is one of the articles my Dad would get a kick from. The Author is unapologetic (then again, this is Fox News) but perhaps he just got tired of people making the excuse that they're lifestyles were "progressive." I suppose I would be to if people kept giving me a hard time about it. He brings it a good point around the end when he talks about the drunk groom who can't tell the floor from the ceiling at his own wedding reception. I can see how that might be shameful. Or at least embarrassing for the bride.

You know, I can understand the benefits of holding off on sex till the wedding day. Not just for moral or religious reasons, for keeping oneself emotionally sane so to speak. To describe an intimate relationship, the best analogy would be to describe it as "fire," It'll keep you warm at night or burn you badly. Sometimes you'll put a lot of trust into a relationship where you have this close of a bond. And if it gets too hot too fast, things might not work out and then you're left with some rather unfortunate emotions. Or you could have nothing but a string of one night stands and the intimacy could become as cheapened and disgusting as the bar you picked your nightly escort from. You hold off on that with someone and wait till you know them well enough that you'd be comfortable staying with them for life (and them as well for you) then it wouldn't be a problem. Waiting is never a bad thing and in hindsight it's something I did myself.

Edited by JRPomazon, 20 September 2012 - 12:20 PM.

[Egann]

You are an adult. You are expected to use sex responsibly and be prepared for eventualities. The rest is up to you.

Marriage is "in transition" at the moment. Yesteryear's marriage was basically about surviving and procreating in a hostile world. Tomorrow's marriage is likely to be about intimacy and emotional well-being.

So it's not like I can give you a one-size fits all answer. If the people involved value chastity and purity, sex before marriage will taint that and possibly damage the relationship. If the people involved are, as my college professors like to say, "sexually liberated" (What? Was Missionary THAT bad?) then the relationship's present will take precedence over the public ceremony, and being too much of a prude about sex can, again, damage the relationship.

I've seen people destroy themselves by being too inflexible about this. It's almost like in some people's minds, marriage is the end and not the next step for the relationship with their partners. This is precisely backwards.

My expectations, though, remain the same. Whether it's in marriage or out of it, I still expect people to take responsibility for their actions.

[Selena]

Sex, relationships, and marriages are different for everyone. You can't make one mold and expect a wide range of people to be comfortable with it. And if there's one thing I've learned about long-term relationships over my brief lifetime, it's that everything and everyone changes over the years. The trick is to find someone who is on the same wavelength and can change with you in a similar fashion. But that's very difficult to recognize when you're young.

Sex? Well, lots of reasons to have it. Obviously, it's a great source of pleasure and comfort. Many people find that it relieves stress. It makes them feel close to their partner. Many would argue that getting that "sexual honeymoon" phase out of the way in a long-term relationship is ideal for seeing what life will be like after the novelty of it has worn off, since things always cool off after a while. You see how you can live together on a day-to-day basis without having domineering hormones and urges there to glue you together. People who wait until their traditional honeymoon don't have that experience. Of course the author thinks everything is great at the moment.

Lots of reasons not to have it. People make a big freakin' deal about it -- more than it deserves. Some people are not comfortable having sex until they're older than peers that have already fooled around. That's okay. Sometimes they're like me and don't like being physically intimate without a deep emotional connection. That's okay, too. "You just need to get laid" is not a problem-solver for many people. Let people decide what they're comfortable with. Then leave them be. Nobody needs to be made fun of for not putting out as much as the average person. Or vice versa.

Marriage? That's different for everyone, too.

Some people treat it as the big fairytale ending for a romance - something that should be taken very seriously and is definitely a vow made for life, no matter what hardships lie ahead. Some people, caught up in their own young twitterpated emotions, think they're doing the right thing by marrying the "love of their life." You know, the obnoxious people on facebook who always go "my boy/girlfriend is the BEST!1! xoxooxoxox." And then get divorced five years later, because passionate emotion like that is impossible to maintain. Sometimes you marry a very nice person, seeming like a sensible match at that stage of your life, and then later on you discover someone who is better suited to you in every way. Or you fall in love with someone who was previously married and has a kid from that union. There's also a ton of peer pressure to get married in your mid-to-late 20's. Because pretty much everyone else is. And, sometimes, people don't see marriage as anything more than a civil arrangement that can - and should, in their opinion - be broken out of when the arrangement is no longer beneficial to both parties involved.

And weddings themselves have just become big parties and an excuse to decorate, but that's another rant for another day.



Basically, do what feels right for you, and fuck everyone else.

[Steel Samurai]

That guy is a total self-righteous douche.

Sex only has the emotional weight you're willing to give it. That's why he said his wedding night was amazing; not because the actual sex was good (guarantee it wasn't) but because both he and his wife had built it up for themselves in their heads and ritualized it to such an extent that it the emotional catharsis was enough to fulfill (probably not as many as he wants us to think) his expectations.

That's great. Good for them. But that doesn't mean that that's what will work for everyone.

If you wanna wait, wait. But be honest with your partner about what you like, sexually, and what turns you on. Because if the two of you aren't sexually compatible it can lead to major problems down the road.

I'd be interested to see what his thoughts are in five years, honestly.

[wisp]

You can't guarantee that a person's (or couple's) first time in the sack is not going to be good. XD

Statistically, yeah it was probably not great. But not everyone is bumbling and awkward at their first sexual encounter. Nor can we always truthfully say that a person with only one sexual partner wouldn't be able to tell the difference anyway if it was bad (which is what I've always heard people say).

But anyway. There's no right or wrong answer for everyone about waiting for marriage. I can't imagine it would have been the right decision for me, but some people have perfectly valid reasons for waiting. There's less risk of pregnancy or STDs without intercourse, for one (though of course if you are careless about fluid contact, it can still happen). And yeah, sex has the emotional weight that you give it... but a lot of us (particularly females) are raised in such a way that it can be difficult or even impossible to ever have truly casual sex; for some of us, there is always a risk of unwanted emotional entanglement. And some people recognize this about themselves and choose to avoid it. Nothing wrong with that, though it does seem silly to us nontraditionalists.

I do think that the amount of time to wait before having sex is something that should ideally be discussed between partners when they start dating. That way if abstinence for "too long" is a dealbreaker, they can decide so up front before anyone gets too attached.

I have to say, though... I didn't judge the author of that article for sticking to his beliefs about sex, but I judged the fuck out of him for being unable to present his story without shitting all over everyone who didn't wait for marriage. I understand the tendency towards being defensive, but basically making the entire thing a letter of hostility is not my idea of how to write a good article. XD

[J-Roc]

Eh, no opinion.

Though I got mad respect for those who wait.

[Hypnotic13]

Growing up, I always wanted to wait until marraige... But then my hormones and emotions got the best of me. I don't regret it at all, and I do think it depends on the couple. I could not be in a relationship with some one who wanted to wait until marraige to have sex. My hormones are still ridiculously horny, and I am only in my mid-20's, so it will get worse before it gets better. In saying that, I need some kind of emotional attachment to some one prior to having sex. I can not just go out to the bar and come home with some one. I would feel... I wouldn't feel well at all, I would feel dirty and just.. Wrong. I agree with Sharpy in respect to those people whoare willing and able to wait for marraige.

[Crimson Lego]

Me personally, I doubt I'll wait till marriage; I'm definitely going to lose my virginity way before that happens. Whether it'll be a quick-relationship or the person I'll end up marrying, who knows. One benefit I do see from my limited knowledge of this subject from waiting till marriage day is that if a baby is conceived, both parents feel more obligated to take care of it rather than if they were just in a common law relationship.



Hopefully that made sense.

[Delphi]

I do have to say that for me I was glad that I waited until marriage. Not just because of religious beliefs, but also from a biological and emotional point of view. I'm sure it will come as no surprise but I'm an emotionally fragile when it comes to relationships. On top of that, anyone who's played dnd with me knows I have THE worst luck. Birth control or not I'd probably end up pregnant with a casual relationship. Dnd and horrific luck will make you hyper aware of how big a 5% chance is when it appears you roll ones 50% of the time. So for me and my situation it worked.

On a general note, however, I think casual sex can be extremely damaging if it's dine just for sex and no relationship. Women produce oxytocin, also know as the bonding hormone, during sex. This is the same hormone that that causes that nearly instant bond between mother and child, sick as that can sound. This, I believe, is where things can go downhill really fast. Despite both wanting to keep it casual, nature and her hormones after are a bitch after the fact.

Seriously, sex ed should teach this too. Probably won't stop anyone but hey, you were warned about the clingy.

[Hana-Nezumi]

The essential fact here is that different things work for different people. Some people see sex and something extremely intimate and important life-changing event, and other people don't. There IS no right and wrong. It's a matter of people having different beliefs and mindsets about how their relationship should progress. It's fine to wait until marriage if you want to. It's also fine not to.

You don't need to justify it to other people, it's your own personal choice. And it's arrogant to tell others what they should do in their own sex life. (With the exception of education people about STDs and unwanted pregnancy)

[Tom_TomVll]

I think its a practice worth having, I mean sure is it the end of the world for you if you have sex with someone before marriage? No of coarse not, But sex always comes with a risk and that risk is best suited to couples who truly care for each other and what better way to show that than with Marriage. Also to me personally I see it as something your body will always remember, Your body will always remember each and every person you've been intimate with and it can pop into your brain as you are with someone new. You start making comparisons and it can potentially lead to a unsatisfied love life once you do find someone that you really want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess the point I'm making is the person you'll be in love with for the rest of your life probably won't be someone (for the guys) with huge boobs and does you like a pornstar or (for the ladies) a guy who is hung like a horse and will do you upside down...if your into that kind of thing...*cough*
So don't spoil it I guess

[Ransom]

I support sex (and expecially first time sex) as a special moment and I personally think everyone would have a better time treating sex with that kind of respect. However in the real world that definitely doesn't and shouldn't have to go for everyone.

On that note, the problem with waiting until marriage is that you are directly opposing the natural progression of your relationship with that person. As we connect emotionally, our bodies (well for most people) want to connect sexually at the exact same pace. Synchronizing these two can be one of the most satisfying ways to enjoy sex and relationship in general.
Since sex is one of the few primal urges that our society allows us to satisfy, i think there is a lot of value in allowing it to happen naturally and organically with people we care about.

On the flipside, I see casual sex as a kind of waste of potential for the most part because it is predominantly based on selfishness; which seems to sap out the really deep and satisfying parts of sex.


BUT THAT'S JUST ME YO

[Khallos]

The dislike of premarital sex in terms of Christianity (in a general sense) within a historical basis is certainly fuzzy. Throughout the medieval Christian world sex after betrothal was common, especially for the majority of the population, you wouldn't want to get married and find that one of you was sterile after all. While abstinence until marriage is an old idea, it's hardly an old idea enforced that heavily in the past.

Hell, Thomas Aquinas defends the legal continuity of prostitution. It's the sewer in a palace analogy, without a filthy outlet in the beautiful palace the building itself would become foul and sordid. No prostitutes in your medieval society? If you're not careful sodomy will happen. It's not quite supporting premarital sex and adultery, but it's an acceptance that it commonly happens and that such things though sinful should be tolerated.

Premarital sex in the medieval world ends up being more a legal response to illegitimacy, bastards do not inherit...unless they get legitimised. And in Duke William of Normandy's case have Papal backing of a pseudo-Crusade against England. Rant aside, I guess it certainly isn't antiquated naivety, especially within the Christian world, because contemporary values of chasteness are rather modern at least in enforcement.

I am all for people having sex whenever and however they want as long as it's consensual. I'm not going to be the one to tell two 14 year olds to stop fucking in some bush in a park, nor am I going to say that the person who has waited 10 years to do it is crazy. Personally I'm all "woo sex", but this is mainly born of a lack of it, at least with various new and interesting people. After all I don't see myself getting married so I'd be waiting a long time.

And yeah, sex has the emotional weight that you give it... but a lot of us (particularly females) are raised in such a way that it can be difficult or even impossible to ever have truly casual sex; for some of us, there is always a risk of unwanted emotional entanglement.

Have to agree with you there, I don't essentially mind people being raised as such (I was raised by my atheist mother to wait), but I feel women are shoe horned into waiting far more commonly than men, which is weird and backwards. Eh, this a whole other topic about women being sluts and men being players that some how exists in society

[wisp]

Also to me personally I see it as something your body will always remember, Your body will always remember each and every person you've been intimate with and it can pop into your brain as you are with someone new. You start making comparisons and it can potentially lead to a unsatisfied love life once you do find someone that you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

Just in my experience.. after a while the specific memories of previous partners fade to almost nothing. It's hard to really compare your partner to something you can just barely remember. I can remember "Oh yeah, I did have sex with that person, in that location" but the memory of the actual act is pretty foggy.

On the other hand, I know someone who married the wrong person and then built up one of her ex-boyfriends in her mind as some ultimate sex god. He treated her like shit and she admits it, but she's unhappy in her marriage now and so clings to the best bedroom memory she has. I would think that being careful to choose the right spouse could do a lot to help a person avoid this kind of thing.

[Nevermind]

Also to me personally I see it as something your body will always remember, Your body will always remember each and every person you've been intimate with and it can pop into your brain as you are with someone new. You start making comparisons and it can potentially lead to a unsatisfied love life once you do find someone that you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

Just in my experience.. after a while the specific memories of previous partners fade to almost nothing. It's hard to really compare your partner to something you can just barely remember. I can remember "Oh yeah, I did have sex with that person, in that location" but the memory of the actual act is pretty foggy.

On the other hand, I know someone who married the wrong person and then built up one of her ex-boyfriends in her mind as some ultimate sex god. He treated her like shit and she admits it, but she's unhappy in her marriage now and so clings to the best bedroom memory she has. I would think that being careful to choose the right spouse could do a lot to help a person avoid this kind of thing.

That just makes me imagine you walking around town with someone, pointing at various places going "Yup did it there, did it there, and there, did it there a few times, tried to do it there, shouldn't have done it there..." XD

[wisp]

Also to me personally I see it as something your body will always remember, Your body will always remember each and every person you've been intimate with and it can pop into your brain as you are with someone new. You start making comparisons and it can potentially lead to a unsatisfied love life once you do find someone that you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

Just in my experience.. after a while the specific memories of previous partners fade to almost nothing. It's hard to really compare your partner to something you can just barely remember. I can remember "Oh yeah, I did have sex with that person, in that location" but the memory of the actual act is pretty foggy.

On the other hand, I know someone who married the wrong person and then built up one of her ex-boyfriends in her mind as some ultimate sex god. He treated her like shit and she admits it, but she's unhappy in her marriage now and so clings to the best bedroom memory she has. I would think that being careful to choose the right spouse could do a lot to help a person avoid this kind of thing.

That just makes me imagine you walking around town with someone, pointing at various places going "Yup did it there, did it there, and there, did it there a few times, tried to do it there, shouldn't have done it there..." XD

Usually I just do it in the bed, so I'm afraid a tour like that would be horribly short and boring. XD

[Nevermind]

Unless it was a tour of the bed.

[Crimson Lego]

That would have to be a really intricate...bed.



o_O

[Nevermind]

Really....intricate....

[TheAvengerLever]

I did not wait until marriage and now I am ashamed. Not because my belief system tells me to be, but because I won't get to share my first moment with the woman I love.

[Nevermind]

At the time you did it, did you love the woman you did it with?

[TheAvengerLever]

Yes and no. I loved her, but at the same time I had the justified suspicion that she was using me and playing me for a fool. So it wasn't exactly love. It was...something.

[Wolf O'Donnell]

The obvious thing about the article is that the man is committing the same wrong that those who laughed at him did, except in reverse.

I personally would like to see a world where people didn't care about virginity or the lack of it.

Andjust as importantly, I don't know to know what you did unless I asked; so I don't want to see you doing it, I don't want to hear you doing it and I don't want you talking to me about it, unless I specifically asked to see, hear or be told about it.

[Egann]

I did not wait until marriage and now I am ashamed. Not because my belief system tells me to be, but because I won't get to share my first moment with the woman I love.

Ergh. I'm of two minds about this. Going on my unapologetic second-hand knowledge, a girl can lose her virginity without intense pain...but I sincerely doubt a virgin guy could do it. From her point of view, virgin-bump-virgin situations are likely to be mercifully short.


I really don't agree with the terminology of "waiting" until marriage, though. It implies that everyone else is in a drunk orgy and we're casually deciding to abstain. In my case, I've never gotten close enough to a woman for sex to be an option. That's not being pure, that's wanting a relationship, being thoughtful...and being equal parts patient and lazy about it.

[Goose]

I've kept it in my pants up until now, and I intend to wait. I've survived this long (25 years)... so I may as well. I don't judge others though; its an intensely personal thing.

[Mark]

I've kept it in my pants up until now, and I intend to wait. I've survived this long (25 years)... so I may as well. I don't judge others though; its an intensely personal thing.

expect a full report.

[atleast3olives]

My personal belief is that you should wait until you have your own apartment. I just think that it'd stupid to have to tip toe around parents and keep secrets like that. But as soon as you move out, I don't see a problem with have responsible sex in a serious relationship. You can't plan sex, it's a heat of the moment kind of thing, and i don't understand why two people in a serious committed relationship should feel the need to abstain. Sex doesn't make you "impure" and it doesn't make you any less worthy than anyone else. If you really love the person, on you're wedding night, nobody else in past relationships should matter.

[Moriatti]

Yeah, waiting until you're on your own makes things a lot nicer/easier.
I think there are health benefits to having a single, regular partner as opposed to multiple, loose partners. Generally though, having Sex has quite a few health benefits on it's own.

Morally... That depends on each person, and isn't really something I'd be interested in debating.