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[DarkJuno]

Rare Characters in peril, and a new Triple Triad Card! All this and more on the 12th Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!!!

Non Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Foyusa......Freaky Psychic Bird......Millenia....and on the spot correspondance from Mai Shiranui...this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter...

DJ: Heya everyone, and welcome to the show! Once more, I'm your Sweet Soul Brother Host DJ, with...
Millenia: ...me! Millenia!
DJ: And of course...

Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: And FPB! Erm, "Sweet Soul Brother?"
DJ: Eh-heh...sorry about that...
Millenia: No you're not!!! I saw you listening to the Jet Set Radio Soundtrack backstage while they were putting make-up on you...
DJ: Well, I always hear Elena's Songs coming from your dressing room...
Millenia: Er...well, um...
DJ: -sigh- On to the news!

-news mode, music, the usual-

Millenia: First up tonight, mayhem rushes through the Nintendo Universe as rumors of Rare being bought out by -groan- Microsoft seems to spread like wildfire. In fact, the disorder culminated into a sort riot as lesser Nintendo characters such as Ness and Pit led a band of rioters and kidnapped all the Rareware stars, hanging them precariously off the top of Death Mountain early this morning. Luckily, the Hylian Knights put a stop to this soon enough, though they did get their hands on a video Popo of the Ice Climbers was taping...and by the way, all languages have been translated into English, for your understanding...

-hand held camera shot. The sun is just beginning to rise as a mob of people/animals are gathered around the Death Mountain crater, jeering at a sort of scaffolding hanging over the edge. Hanging from the wooden beam are various Rare game characters, including DK, Banjo, Kazooie, Juno, "Uncle" Tusk, Joanna Dark, and Conker. Ness is holding his bat and taunting them from the platform-

Ness: Traitors! What's wrong with you...Nintendo not good enough!?!?
DK: ^One, we're characters, and we have no control over this...and 2, I'M A NINTENDO CHARACTER YOU IDIOT! LET ME GO!!!!^
Nana: Er, he's right....
Ness: Doh! Right, well, let him and the other Kongs go...

-Mach Rider runs up and strings the Kong family in, letting them run back down the mountain-

Cranky: Hmph! Stupid little whippersnappers…in MY day, we KNEW which company all characters belonged in! Nowadays, we have all these license and trade agreements, and bah! Soft, I say!!!
Pit: Eh, whatever...
Samurai Gorah: NOW!!! The rest of you will suffer death!!! HAHAHAH!!!!
Banjo: ^Hold on!!!^
Kazooie: ^Yeah! Nintendo owns OUR license, so you can lets us go too!^
Ness: Hmmm...I've heard of that, but how do I know you're part of the sale, eh? Jerks, foresaking the company that made you great...
Joanna: Oh please! All Nintendo did was give us a platform...and a good one at that...it was our own developers and artists who made us great...
Ness: That's it, you're going in the pit now!
Joanna: Er...but I think my license is also owned by Nintendo, like Banjo here!
Juno: Yes, mine too!
Joanna: Oh shut up! Nintendo didn't really care for you or those brutes from Killer Instinct...just myself and the bird and bear over there...
Uncle Tusk: WHAT!?!? If I weren't strung up like this, I'd come over and kick yer bloody arse!! Right after I stick this kid's bat up his...
Ness: Ha! Enough talk!
Conker: Wait a $^$^&* second! Let me go, and I'll buy beer for you!!!!
Ness: Hmmm...nah, I can just swipe some from Bowser. Pit! Cut the ropes!
Pit: Aye-aye!

-Pit aims his arrow, but at the last second the camera drops to the ground as a loud commotion is heard. Fade out-

Millenia: Ness has been bailed out of the Hyrule Castle Dungeon by his parents, as have most of them. The Hylian Knights have returned the Rare characters to their respective homes, and have apologized for the offense...though it should be noted that Link, who bid them farewell as they crossed through the inter-dimensional gateway, gave them a rather nasty look, perhaps akin to the rumors. Conker merely flicked him off.

DJ: Sephiroth's leadership in the UBA has become very apparent quite quickly, as evident by yesterday's announcement by the silver haired baddie. Yesterday, he and the UBA donated the equivalent of 500,000.00 Gil, that's about 1,000,000.00 rupees or 5,000 gold pieces, to the Union of Masculine Women. Here you see him handing the giant check to UMW leader and Princess Zelda's personal guard/former nanny, Impa. Sephiroth stated afterwards...

Sephiroth: We make this donation in the terms of goodwill...after all, we of the UBA always push for unity and equality, and it is not enough that we find it for our feminine brothers! No, we must also push for our masculine sisters....together, we will stand for our vision!

DJ: It's speculated that this donation was only made to garner up votes for the UBA's yet unnamed candidate for the upcoming Galbadia elections, though that's mere speculation at this point in time...

Millenia: Speaking of butch gals, Samus Aran has now beat Acacia Dragoon Karsh to the punch by ALMOST catching alleged murderer Vincent Valentine. In this report of "The Valentine's Fugitive" -fancy graphic and music- we bring you Samus Aran's own video recorded encounter with the gunslinger, but first we join DJ:(N)RR correspondent Mai Shiranui, live at the scene...........Mai.......

Mai: ..........Milly-chan........
DJ: Heya Mai!!!!!!!
Mai: Konnichiwa DJ-chan!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anywho, as Milly-chan said, I am live here in Treno, where Samus Aran and the Dragoons tracked down Vinny-chan, and indeed, almost caught him! Samus has graciously given us the video of her encounter and near capture of Vinny-chan...

-fuzzy video, soon changes to a clear FPS perspective, ala Metroid Prime (duh)-

Samus: -breathing, quietly- I've got you now...

-the visor changes to tracking mode, where suddenly, off in the shadows, Vincent's outline is suddenly seen in red-

Samus: Valentine! Give it up! -shoots a flare, which lights up the area. Visor changes back as Vincent runs down an alley, turning and shooting every so often. Samus takes off, faster then an average human-

Samus: Those bullets will never hurt me! You know that! Give it up now, or...
Vincent: Sorry Samus...I can't do that! -gives up shooting and runs-
Samus: Grr...I warned you!

-The chase begins, as Vincent weaves his way through the alleys of Treno. Samus breaks off and runs to one of the crisscrossing paths, and stops and turns to the edge. Taking aim, she grapples onto a wall and swings down - perfectly swinging right into Vincent and tossing him into one of the many canals in the city. With a grunt, a loud hiss is heard, as Samus herself comes our from around the left side of the suit, the gun arm still on her right arm. With a yelp she dives into the canal, while the Varia suits sits, before the scene cuts off-

Mai: There, Samus lost him due to his escaping through the time hole...BUT not before she grabbed him by this!

-Mai picks up Vincent's deep crimson cape-

Mai: Hmm, pretty nice, eh? Anyway, joining us now are both Dragoon Deva Karsh and Samus Aran herself! Thanks for joining us...

-Karsh and Samus are sitting nearby. Karsh is obviously annoyed at having to work with someone else, and Samus has her right arm off the side as a sort of robotic table is adjusting a set of metallic receptors on the wrist. It's also obvious that, out of suit, Samus is a big, athletic, and built woman, dwarfing even the beefy Zoah, who's standing off in the back. The other normal Dragoons passing in the back are all obviously nervous around the beautiful but, frankly, intimidating woman. Mai, however, runs over happily and sticks the mic into both of their faces-

Mai: So..............what've ya got to say!?
Karsh: Well, I still think I don't need to help! If I only had enough time, I could...
Samus: Oh, shut up! Obviously, General Viper didn't want more time....so he hired me...-casually adjusts her "S" jacket's collar-
Karsh: Hmph!
Mai: So, can we expect a capture anytime soon?
Samus: -glare- I never fail a job.....
Mai: Uh....okay......-cough- Okay, so reporting live from the Dragoon's Base camp, this is Mai Shiranui, back at ya!!!! Ja ne!
DJ: See Ya Mai!!!
Millenia: -growls and looks at the laptop in front of her- Hey...according to this, Samus can bench over 200 Lbs, is 6;3 and weighs 195 Lbs... all outside of her suit! Impressive that she still has that feminine figure...

DJ: Damn, that's a lot of woman...moving on tonight, the creators of the widely popular Triple Triad and Tetra Master card games has introduced a new card tonight for the former!

-scene switch to DJ, Millenia, Foyusa, FPB, and Mai on a stage with an older man and an easel covered with a cloth-

DJ: Yup! The newest card in Triple Triad is...the DJ:(N)RR card! We were on hand for the honor, and gladly took it. The card was designed and drawn by acclaimed artist Van of Termina, El Nido. As you can see, it perfectly captures the spirit of all five of us in picture form...though I think he messed up on my hair...

-back tot he news desk, DJ puts the card on the table as the camera zooms in. All five of them are on it in ascending order-

Millenia: Yeah, well, it's definitely an honor to be included in the game with other greats such as President Laguna Loire. They also plan to expand Triple Triad with more cards featuring people who don't exist in their particular world, in an effort to branch out.

Millenia: Anyway, it's time for our weekly feature.....

-special effects, the usual-

LETTERS TO MODIFIED EXITING POKEMON!!!

DJ: Take it away guys!

-Letters' Desk-

Foyusa: Thank ya DJ! And must I say that this card kicks ass!
FPB: Er, right...anyway, this week's later comes from Huffman island! It reads...

Dear Foyusa and FPB,

I'm a little worried about my friend. Now, he lost his fiancée about a year ago...and now she's come back. Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway. The thing is, it turns out she wasn't dead after all, and we spent all this month tracking her down...but when we found her, she was dead, butchered and turned into a living computer. On one hand, we recovered what's left of her and he now has "her" back...but now I'm a little worried. He's a little....obsessed with being with her now, and while I can feel his pain, she's dead...pretty much anyway. Anyway I can help him?

Stacked Shillouette

FPB: Well, truth be told, that's a bit creepy...I think necrophilia is illegal, right? Anyway, just slap him upside the head...drill it into his mind that she's gone...
Foyusa: Well, I suppose so...but still, seeing your name, it's obvious you’re a woman...and you like the guy. o, maybe you have some...other ways to convince him...
FPB: Typical male...she doesn’t want to intrude on his personal feelings idiot!
Foyusa: Well...I wouldn't mind....
FPB: Bah! Back to you guys...

-DJ and Millenia are playing Triple Triad-

Millenia: Ha! Beat you!!!
DJ: Man......
Millenia: All right...I want to keep.......Squall!!!
DJ: No! Not my Squall card!!!
Millenia: C'mon, you know the rules...
DJ: -grumbles and hands over the card- I can just get another one anyway...
Millenia: Heheheh!!!
DJ: Let's just do the recap....

-coughs-

Millenia: Rareware characters threatened with Death and hot lead,
DJ: While femmy guys help gals who can rip off our heads,
Millenia: Samus nearly catches the runaway Valentine,
DJ: People are afraid to put her in a Lemon or Lime, (Fanfic)
Millenia: Card game gets fun with the inclusion of all of us,
DJ: While a guy is obsessed with getting laid by a dead gal condensed to pus.

-boos-

Millenia: Okay, THAT was bad...
DJ: So sue me...so, for Foyusa, Freaky Psychic Bird, Millenia, and Mai Shiranui, I'm DarkJuno, bidding you all a sane and pleasant day! See Ya!!!