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[DarkJuno]

Kid Apprehended, Sephiroth's triumph, and Elena's "growth." All this and more on the 11th (Normal sized) Edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

Non Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With Foyusa...Freaky Psychic Bird...Millenia...and Mai Shiranui with on the spot coverage...this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter...

-news desk-

DJ: Heya everyone, and welcome to the 11th Edition of DJ:(N)RR! Once more, I'm your slidin' shufflin' bumpin' host DJ, joined once again here...
Millenia: ...by me, his lovely co-host Millenia!!! Hi!!!!!!!!!
DJ: ...jumping the gun there, eh?
Millenia: -smiles-
DJ: And naturally, one cannot forget about my buddies at the letters' desk...
Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: FPB! "Slidin' shufflin' bumpin'?" The hell is that?
DJ: Eh... on to the wide world of video game news! Let'sa go!!!

-music, you know the drill-

Millenia: First up tonight, a breakthrough in..."The Valentine's Fugitive." Murder suspect Vincent Valentine’s accomplice Schala "Kid" Zeal has been apprehended! For more on this late breaking story, we, go now live to the Silesian continent, where -groan- Mai Shiranui is standing by live.....Mai............

-static changes to a normal shot of Mai. Unlike the past few weeks, she's wearing her normal clothes now-

Mai: ......Millenia.........
DJ: Heeeeeya Mai!
Mai: Konnichiwa DJ-chan!!!!!!!
DJ: So, what have you got for us?
Mai: Well, it's true, Kid has been caught by Karsh himself as she and Vincent were making their way through East Silesia. Apparently, he nearly would have gotten Vincent as well, if not for the fight Kid put up. Anyway, Vincent is now alone as he runs from the pursuing Dragoons...oh, wiat here they are with Kid right now!

-Karsh and about 12 other dragoons walk in, with a handcuffed, leg cuffed, and generally totally incapacitated Kid enter the view, Kid latched onto a dragon-

Kid: Bah! I'll kick yer asses all the way to the moon! All of ya! Bloody hell!!!!!
Karsh: Quit your whinin' Kid! If you tell us where Vincent is headed, we'll give you leniency...
Kid: What!? No way mate! Besides, I think helping save the world is good enuff reason!
Karsh: Eh, whatever! Send her back boys!

-at that, 6 of the dragoons nod and, dragging the dragon along, push on into a warp back to Termina-

Mai: Hmm...Karsh-chan! Over here!!!!!
Karsh: -rolls eyes and grumpily walks over- What?
Mai: So, do you have any leads or comments on this arrest?
Karsh: Of course! I told you all I would catch him...and I will! As this proves, it's only a matter of time...
Mai: What about General Viper's statement?
Karsh: Er, what statement?
Mai: Oh, you know! He's hired a couple bounty hunters to hunt Vincent down since you have yet to deliver...
Karsh: -surprised- WHAT!?!?! Excuse me... -runs off-
Mai: Hmmm....seems that it was news to him as well...
DJ: Geez, thanks for spoiling the next news item!
Mai: Oops! Heheheheh....
DJ: Eh, whatever. Thanks again.
Mai: No problem DJ-chan!
Millenia: -groans- Mai Shiranui everyone.....

DJ: As Mai mentioned, General Viper has indeed hired quite a few bounty hunters and mercenaries, as reports of him being unhappy with Karsh's quest are seemingly true. Among the list is none other then famed bounty hunter Samus Aran, who graciously gave us an interview earlier today, via satellite from her spaceship...

-video, a more casual looking DJ on one side of a split screen while Samus, fully decked out in her outfit besides the helmet, sits with a slightly grim expression...as usual-

DJ: Samus, thanks again for allowing this interview...I know you don't like to be in the public eye...
Samus: No problem DJ...and sometimes I have to risk it, not that I really care...
DJ: All right, I know you don't have much time, so I'll get to the point...you are experienced in chasing down many many many bounties in the past, but all took place in space or in basically some very inhospitable places, especially for humans. How does this affect your plan to go after Vincent, who's sticking to more Earth-like areas?
Samus: Well, a good hunter knows her terrain...while yes, I am more used to hunting out here where a suit is required, I have no problem with this at all...in fact, I regularly train in Earth like atmospheres, knowing I would eventually happened upon this circumstance.
DJ: Speaking of which, while I know it's the man or woman in the suit rather then the equipment, most of your scanners and trackers and even your gun is built right into your Varia suit...how do you plan to cope with that heavy thing in normal gravity?
Samus: It's no bother at all, believe me...it isn't nearly as heavy as it looks, and besides, my gun arm is a self-contained unit, so if the need arises I will hunt in -shudder- casual clothes. As for my scanners, all of them are located here -moves her blonde hair aside to show a small circular disc on her left temple- in one of my implants...all it does is connect or relay information to my visor, and I have a modification to show it on shades or something instead. I'm fully prepared for anything.
DJ: Well, naturally, I suppose. Heh, wonder what other implants you have...
Samus: Well, there's the one in my spinal column which controls my balance and along with the ones in my legs helps my jumping, plus...
DJ: Erm, that was a slight joke/jab there Samus....
Samus: ......
DJ: Uh, never mind.....moving right along, does the acceptance of this job mean you believe Vincent is guilty, or...
Samus: -cuts off- Look, this is just another job that has a big bounty for me...personal feelings matter little to me...so long as I get paid enough, I tend to do anything....
DJ: But let me guess, you have that whole pesky "You end up being a hero anyway" complex like Solid Snake or other badasses?
Samus: -shurgs- I'm a Nintendo character...it's in my nature to be a heroine, though again, I could care less about my public image...
DJ: Now, don't sell yourself short, you're widely regarded as the most badass character from the Big N, and most people bet that you could probably beat the crap out of Link without your suit..
Samus: -shrugs- Well, a bounty hunter has to work out....
DJ: Right, and you are, as many people have forgotten, the grand da...er, grand mother of all video game heroines....and one without having overly large...attributes, so to speak....
Samus: ........What do you mean? My shoulder pads here are pretty nice, big, round, and shiny....
DJ: -sweats- Erm...remind me to never try and joke around with you Samus....
Samus: Agreed.
DJ: Anyway, thanks again for joining us Samus.
Samus: No problem...

DJ: Other then Samus, other bounty hunters and mercenaries hired include F-Zero X racer Captain Falcon, who still feels cheated from the incident last week, Rudo the hunter, Silesian native Ryudo, and two teams; the Balamb Garden SeeDs minus Squall Leonhart, and the Carrion Crow. General Viper believes this should speed things up...

Millenia: In other news...Alucard has, with a heavy heart, finally conceded to Sephiroth in his bid for power in the United Bishounen Association. The shocking announcement was made yesterday evening as Alucard continued to recover from his collapse last week. Sephiroth, naturally, issued a statement today...

Sephiroth: I applaud Alucard's final acceptance of my inevitable winning out...I wish him a quick and healthy recovery and extend to him an invitation to keep his old rank as a member of the advisory board before he rose to power.

Now, for the future...my rule here shall bring sweeping reforms to the UBA! All this will begin next week at the next meeting, when we decide upon who will represent us in the upcoming Presidential election. I guarantee...the UBA will rise up once more!!!

Millenia: Sephiroth is referring to the upcoming Galbadia presidential election, where the Esthar peace-keeping force, residents ever since the fall of Ultimecia, has set up a new election on the decision of rule. Political parties, including the UBA, SS, CCKA, and others are vying for vote. President Laguna Loire's advisors and best friends, Kiros Segal and Ward, however, seems to be keeping a close eye to make sure nothing goes wrong.

DJ: Rumors rock Elena's Cross-dimensional tour tonight as they persist that Elena has relented and gotten breast implants to match and perhaps even beat her former alter ego Millenia's cup size...
Millenia: Ha! I KNEW she was jealous of them!!!
DJ; Er...naturally, the songstress turned singing sensation has denied reports, citing that she doesn’t even like to wear overly immodest outfits at her concert. While this is true, one has to wonder when you compare the pictures...here's one of Elena during her early days as a circus troupe performer...and here's one from her recent concert in the Golden Saucer amphitheater (not to be confused with the still under construction Concert Hall).

-there's a...notable difference between the two-

DJ: Take that as you will...however, some angry mothers believe this as many have gathered in protest at Elena's latest concert at Alexandra Castle, complaining that, "What kind of role model does she think she is? Here she is, being little miss perfect...but then she goes and gets surgery one, showing that all of that means little next to sex appeal! Ha!" To this, Elena responds...

Elena: Well, frankly, these rumors are not true...besides, I have never said I am perfect or have even hinted at it...beauty comes from within, and people should live a nice, peaceful, controlled life, while at the same time enjoying one's self, like I do with my singing. It pleases me to make my fans happy with my voice, and that's all that matters.

Millenia: Hmph, stuffy as always...
DJ: Right....anyway, her tour continues through the remaining 8 cities through next month.

Millenia: The Terminian crisis grew worse today, as a rogue Gerudo Pirate band ran into Hyrule and attacked Goron City of Death Mountain. The Hylian Knights and even the Gerudo Thieves quickly placed a stop to it and turned the band back over to the core Pirates, who revealed that the small faction was a rebellious anarchist group which planned on turning everyone against each other, only to take control. While all has been fixed, Darunia is still none to happy with the action, and wishes to aide his brothers on Snowhead with supplies. Obviously, Nabaroou is against this, and threatens to send aide to the Pirates if the Goron King insists on doing so. Princess Zelda is having quite a time, having been appointed as the foreign relations minister by her father the king to, quote "keep her busy with royal life and prepare her for her future rule as Queen." The Terminan Civil Wars continue to plague the land, as thousands have already died and seem to literally fill Termina Field. The Terminians, in particular, are seeking help from anyone at all, as their government is still new and hasn't had the proper time to put together a full army. Princess Zelda is still unsure if she should commit more troops on her own, and plans to speak to the UGN for help.

-turns-

Millenia: And now, to our weekly feature...

-Special effects, as usual-

LETTERS TO MODIFIED EXISTING POKEMON!!!

DJ: Take it away Foyusa and FPB!

-Letters' Desk-

FPB: Thanks DJ! Today's letter comes from Koholint Island. It reads...

"Dear Foyusa and FPB,

Gah!!! That other girl thinks SHE is "frustrated in more ways then one!?" Ha! Let me see...all the guys here suck, my Dad's an oaf (Love'em though...) and I've got nothing better to do then watch the seagulls and sing. Bah, there WAS that cute blonde guy, but he left! The only other decent looking guy here's a freak vampire wanna be from a castle! Gah!!!!!!!!

REALLY Frustrated..."

FPB: Hmm...well, I guess you're better off leaving Koholint there girly...doesn’t seem like there's much for ya there! Why don’t you try tracking down this blonde guy, eh?
Foyusa: -rolls eyes- Eh, blonde-scmonde, just go to that guy in a castle! If you're REALLY frustrated, just don't be so damn picky! Back to you DJ!

DJ: Hmmm...cut down on the caffeine there Foyusa...
Foyusa: Whatever...
Millenia: Oy...
DJ: Well, ready Millenia?
Millenia: Of course!

-clears throat-

Millenia: Kid's been taken and has been prodded and poked,
DJ: While Samus Aran sure can't take a joke.
Millenia: Sephy leads men described as girly,
DJ: As he and others bid to be nominated early.
Millenia: Straight arrow Elena's supposedly jealous of me...
DJ: But whatever the case, it's a nice sight to see!
Millenia: -groans-
DJ: What!?
Millenia: ....never mind -coughs and continues- Terminaian wars grow worse and worse,
DJ: While chick on an isle, keeps "self help" in her purse!

-boos and stuff thrown at DJ, who ducks-

DJ: Okay okay, sorry! Geez!
Millenia: Well, that WAS pushing your PG-13 Rating there...
DJ: Bah, whatever...so Millenia, do YOU think Elena went and...you know...
Millenia: -sniffs- Well, I can't say, but I always knew she wanted a pair of these...
DJ: Well...I thought she looked okay before, once she quit wearing those frimpy clothes...
Millenia: You're COMPLAINING that she has bigger "Woohoos?"
DJ: Of course not! But, uh, it's not my place to say....
Foyusa: Well, I like'em!
FPB: Of course you like them, you like anything getting implants......
Foyusa: Hey, what can I say?
Millenia: Nothing at all, hopefully....

DJ: -snickers- Anyway, thanks again for tuning in to the show, and for Millenia -she bows- Foyusa, Freaky Psychic Bird -the two wave- And our on the spot correspondent Mai Shiranui, this is DarkJuno, bidding you all a sane and pleasant day! See ya!