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SL Presents: Mother 3.5: Resolution (working title)


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#1 SL the Pyro

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Posted 29 October 2011 - 06:12 AM

Well, I decided to give this a try.

This wouldn't be the first time I've posted a fanfiction on these forums, but every time I did it was met with failure; that is, no one looked at them. But after making that poll thread asking if anyone would care to read, and getting some acceptable responses, I decided to give it another shot.

Title: Mother 3.5: Resolution (Working title, I'm open to suggestions for a better one.)
Fandom: Mother/Earthbound
Genre: Mystery/Adventure
Summary: The world has become a chaotic place. Civil war has consumed the entire planet, a fight to determine people's right to exist, a delicate conflict that threatens to be humanity's ultimate downfall. Only a being from another time and place can save this world that doesn't want to be saved.

Just some warnings for you:

-The story will be long, and the chapters (or verses in this case) will be long. This first part of the prologue is no exception. Make sure you have time to devote to it.
-There will be graphic depictions of everything relevant, including violence. Nothing M-rated, but still not for the squeamish.

And please remember, constructive criticism is appreciated, both on writing and formatting standpoints. Don't be afraid to tell me if there's something you don't like.

Now, if you aren't deterred... then enjoy.



Mother 3.5: Resolution

Prologue: The Boy from Nowhere, Verse 1 (click the spoiler)

Spoiler

Edited by SL the Pyro, 11 May 2012 - 08:27 PM.


#2 Egann

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Posted 01 November 2011 - 10:58 AM

No responses doesn't equal unread; I definitely read Jester's poem, but I literally have nothing to say because I don't feel qualified to comment on poetry.

My biggest problem with reading this is that I'm not familiar at all with Earthbound, so I really can't judge it as a fanfic so much as a standalone work. Standalone works are significantly harder to write because they have to have built-in exposition, and as that you were a bit heavy-handed in the exposition I didn't find that to be a problem. So good job.

Constructive Criticism-wise, the narration itself feels flat and uninspired. This is the thing that practically all writers struggle with continuously because conveying emotion and sub-superficial thought in emotionless text is a lot like compressing an audio file; you loose parts of the character because all you have to convey a living, breathing person is a one-dimensional string of text. To make up the lost parts of the character, you have to be a stylist in the first place. Faithfully conveying reality--either in terms of story or character--isn't the objective so much as making a reality which is stylized enough to still bear its unique feel after being compressed into text.

FYI: this is why allegories work so well, and its almost invariably what defines "prize winning" writing like The Road and The Catcher in the Rye. Really, I wish someone had told me this years ago rather than letting me struggle for years to figure it out on my own.

In any case, let's take a look with this in mind.

With a hesitant nod, Timothy took the book from him, and for a moment he could only stare at its black, hard cover. This was a great responsibility both he and the boy were being entrusted with. This book contained secrets that would lead to a great power, a power that in the wrong hands could bring upon a disaster like nothing ever seen before. But in the righthands, it could be the thing that saves this world from what it’s become...
“Timothy...” the old man rasped, spooking Timothy for a moment, At first he thought he was angry that he hadn’t put the book away and quickly stuffed it in his pocket, but it turned out to be something else. “You must know what this boy’s presence means. The day has come...” Timothy’s face turned a ghastly white. “The day” had come? The old man had been speaking about “the day” for a long time. He was a man who had presumably seen the future... it was for this reason he knew about the boy. And also that it meant the old man’s time was near an end. In the surprises of this evening, he had forgotten this crucial fact. “This place will no longer be safe soon. When the dead of night comes, I want you to take him the children and get them to safety. Long enough to let the children enjoy their meal, but no later than midnight.”

The air around Timothy had become unsure, depressed. The old man had expected this, quite honestly. “You’re sure there’s no way to help you?”

“...I’m sorry.” was his only reply. “This is as far ahead as I’ve seen. If you’ll stay, you’ll probably die with me.”




Well, you've certainly got that stylized sense of reality for the background conflict, but the text itself and the characters don't share in on the action because they are...relatively flat and unstylized. It's hard to put a finger on what defines this. I think it feels off because the story is constructed backwards; rather than starting with text to establish and develop characters, who have conflicts amongst themselves to push the main story's idea...we have the idea of the story driving the characters and, in turn, the text. Flatness increases as scale decreases, so the characters and text feel like cardboard cutouts twitching on the strings of the story.


For the record, I've noticed the same coercive touch in my own writing. I'll get back to you when I've figured out how to fix it.

#3 Twinrova

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Posted 01 November 2011 - 01:18 PM

This is super nitpicky and not really helpful in terms of the actual writing, but art school has led me to value even the nitpickiest of comments, so I'm gonna come in here and be annoying.

I don't have the patience to read the whole thing, but just from glancing over some paragraphs here and there I noticed a lot of "..."s. Your . key is gonna break if you hit it too much, man. o_0

#4 JRPomazon

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Posted 02 November 2011 - 12:28 AM

Haven't read it all. I'll get around to it later. But I do have something to say about the opener.

Spoiler


#5 SL the Pyro

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Posted 15 November 2011 - 08:02 AM

@Egann: Character development is difficult for me too, at least when I'm writing in third-person. I seem to have an easier time with it using first-person POVs, though that's because it's an entirely different writing style. I don't know a way to develop characters and scenes for third person POVs other than to gradually progress them along with the story - I swear the character's personalities will become more clear as the Prologue continues. If you do happen upon a better way though, I'm all for it.

Also, play the MOTHER series, it's good. Just make sure you have a lot of time to devote to Earthbound, because it's long.

@Twinrova: Most of the ellipses come from dialogue and some of the third person text adapted to their thoughts. Granted it's a lot though and I'm trying to cut down, but I find that not using them at all tends to make the story feel... rushed. I've seen several cases where a story starts out good and seems like it's rushing towards the ending, and I'm trying not to do that.

@JRPomazon: I actually didn't know that about the series, thanks for telling me that. Everything I've read about MOTHER told me that George and Maria simply raised Giegue/Giygas and that the song was a poison or something to that effect, and despite how wrong this felt to me, it was what I had to go with since I thought it was canonical. Seriously, I never even saw anything about abduction, which would've made so much more sense. Don't worry about being a fanboy JRP, stuff like this keeps me on the straight and narrow. I'll change the opening sequence later with the correct information when I can think of how to modify it without making it look too tacked on.

(EDIT: It's been fixed.)

Thanks for the comments guys, and sorry this update took so long. Too much Kirby's Return to Dreamland and so forth. Here's Verse 2 of the Prologue.



Prologue: The Boy from Nowhere, Verse 2 (click the spoiler)
Spoiler

Edited by SL the Pyro, 26 May 2012 - 06:24 PM.


#6 SL the Pyro

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Posted 21 November 2011 - 03:05 PM

Surely no one will mind me double-posting for the sake of updating.



Prologue: The Boy from Nowhere, Verse 3 (click the spoiler)
Spoiler

Edited by SL the Pyro, 11 May 2012 - 08:45 PM.


#7 SL the Pyro

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Posted 29 November 2011 - 05:45 PM

Or triple-posting.



Prologue: The Boy from Nowhere, Verse 4 (click the spoiler)
Spoiler

Edited by SL the Pyro, 11 May 2012 - 09:59 PM.


#8 SL the Pyro

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 03:44 PM

Or quadruple-posting.



Prologue: The Boy from Nowhere, Verse 5 (click the spoiler)
Spoiler

Edited by SL the Pyro, 12 May 2012 - 05:45 PM.


#9 SL the Pyro

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 06:34 PM

Or- okay, I'll stop that.



Prologue: The Boy from Nowhere, Verse 6 (click the spoiler)
Spoiler

Edited by SL the Pyro, 26 May 2012 - 07:22 PM.


#10 SL the Pyro

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Posted 21 December 2011 - 12:01 AM

Final part of the prologue. Sorry it took me so long.



Prologue: The Boy from Nowhere, Final Verse (click the spoiler)
Spoiler


...Wow. And this was just the prologue to set things in motion. It took more effort to make than I thought.

Also, I'm amazed at the views: nearly 270, and for once the majority of them aren't mine; maybe about 20 times myself for posting new verses and editing. This means that people actually are checking out my story, and this makes me very happy. Thanks a bunch, ladies and gentlemen.

By this point, I can't say for sure what the exact length of the story will be; there is a lot to do. There could be 10 chapters total, there could be 20 chapters total, there could be less verses in them than in the Prologue, they could be more verses in them than in the Prologue... there's just no way for me to know. But I do have some ideas both concrete and vague to create plot and storyline with, so don't worry, I'm not just going to stop writing it. I actually do enjoy doing this.

Thanks for all your patience, faithful viewers, and stay tuned for Chapter 1.

Edited by SL the Pyro, 26 May 2012 - 07:30 PM.





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