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[DarkJuno]

A star tours, war breaks out, a rampaging good movie, and the next Partner for the Day, all on this edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

Non Cheesy, 50's Sounding Announcer: With Foyusa...and Freaky Psychic Bird...this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter...

DJ: Heya everyone, and welcome to the somewhat amazing 5th Edition of DJ:(N)RR! As usual, I'm your rockin' host DJ, and over there at the letters' desk are my good buddies...
Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: ...and FPB! Rockin'?
DJ: Bah, whatever! And alongside me today as the partner of the day is, or in this case, was quite the nicest character in any videogame whatsoever...though she's seen better days!
?????: .....
DJ: Heheh, give it up for the Flower girl from Midgar, it's Aeris Gainsborough....slightly zombified!
Dead Aeris: -moan- -groan-
Foyusa: Geez DJ, couldn't you at least have the decency to bring the poor girl back to life!?
DJ: Hey, do you think bringing characters back from the dead is easy!?
FPB: Uh....
-motions over to the Green Room, where Tidus, Tellah, Sephiroth, Kuja, and other assorted and formerly deceased characters are trying out for another show-
Aeris, questioningly: Arrrrrrgh?
Foyusa: Oh, come on, she's begging you!
DJ: Fine! Abra, Kadabra, Alakazam! Drowze, Hypno, Exeggutor, Espeon!!!!
-snaps fingers, as Aeris transforms from her Resident Evil-esque state to her normal, non-Masamune punctured self-
Aeris: MooooooaaaaaaaaaaaAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Wow!
DJ: Again, welcome to the show Aeris.
Aeris, hitting the side of her head and blinking a lot: Oh, thanks DJ! It's a pleasure!
-coughs, a small cloud of dust coming from her mouth-
DJ: Erm...you're going to have to take a shower and use some Listerine after the show Aeris...
Aeris: Hehehe, I guess so!
DJ: Alright, onto the news!

-the usual annoying music plays while it goes into "News Mode"-

DJ: First up this week, news out of the Silesean Continent, where Elena kicked off her Mid-Summer Tour at the former Papal State, St. Heim. After leaving the Performing Troupe and signing a record deal with Pikachu Records, Elena's popularity skyrocketed into stardom, and thus far she has released 2 multi-platinum records. The reason for her popularity? Says former alter ego Millenia, Liligue School teacher and Partner for the Day candidate,

Millenia: "Sure, at first all her songs were a bit too slow and churchy, but now she's exploded! I guess some of myself was left in her, eh? Plus, I think it's refreshing that there's a singing superstar that actually KNOWS how to sing, rather then rely on break dancing or these!" -points at chest-

DJ: -cough- Um, well, Elena's tour will take her to 20 cities, including Deling City, Alexandria, Hyrule Castle Town, Station Square, and wrapping up with a mega event at the christening of Dolphic Island's new stadium, where it will be the first ever performance.

Aeris: Now, an update on the Vincent/Starky Incident. Investigation does not bode well for Vincent, as the Dragoons have now linked his chainsaw to two other non-human murders during the past month, including that of SNK Cat girl Cham-Cham. Karsh had this to say:

Karsh: While I personally believe this may be extreme, all the evidence continues to point at Vincent...and until I see otherwise, neither I nor any of the other Devas shall release him from our prison...

Aeris: Vincent's attorney, the lovable Cait Sith, counters...

Cait: Well, I will make sure that Vincent is set free, and be proven innocent of all charges!

Aeris: Now, if you ask me, I find these charges repulsive...sure Vincent was never the nicest, friendliest, or most open guy, but him...murder? Besides, while he may use that chainsaw as Chaos, his style is to use his gun, and that should be one strong defense. Now, I didn't know him for long before I died, but these is no doubt in my mind that Vincent must be being framed....DJ?

DJ: A bit short for a commentary...but whatever. Rikku was released from the Bellevue Psychiatric Compound today with a clean bill of health. As reported 3 weeks ago, she underwent a nervous breakdown after attempting to analyze the flight capabilities of airships in Final Fantasy game. Acquaintance Lulu says, as she and some of Rikku's other friends escorted the now sane Al Bhed survivor,

Lulu: Well, it is a relief to have her back now I suppose...though it was nice to not have her mouth running on and on for those few weeks....

DJ: Rikku adds,

Rikku: Yeah, well, I should've listened to the others when they warned, me and I guess it got the best of me! Besides, now I see it was silly to try and calculate that....

DJ: That was greeted with nods of approval from her comrades Yuna, Kimahari, Lulu, and Wakka. Her comment on how the real problem she had to work out was trying to figure out why monsters carry money and items like tents around, however, lead to more then a few groans and eye rolls from her surrounding group. The Psychiatric Compound expects to have her back in a few months if she pursues this research...

Aeris: Big surprises out of the Annual Mute City Auto Show this week, as the next generation of racers were finally unveiled. Still powered by the Cornerian Aerotech developed G-Diffuser System, originally found on the Arwing Fighters employed by the StarFox Team, these new Zero G racer chassis are sleeker and more aerodynamic then the current generation, and will be recommended by officials for use in the F-Zero X Grand Prix. However, there are already critics to the new base, including 6 time F-Zero Champion Captain Douglas Jay Falcon. He states from the auto show,

C. Falcon: This is just another rule the Officials are trying to lay on us! Way back when this started, it was pure racing, and while I certainly don't want death, it was there, and you had to rely on your own car! But now, they're trying to standardize everything...which is against the Grand Prix's philosophy! I won't have this!

Aeris: Captain Falcon plans to stay with his trusty racer, the Blue Falcon, as do many others with their own personal vehicles.

DJ: Shocking news from the once peaceful land of Termina, as the inhabitants have begun to follow their Hyrulean counterparts in a war to determine which race shall rule over the other. In this, which ahs been dubbed as "The Terminian Revolution," the Gerudo Pirates and Zoras of Great Bay are struggling for control of that region while the Terminians themselves are facing the onslaught of the Gorons of icy Snowhead. It is expected that the victors of both of these wars will waste no time in attacking the other in a fight for supremacy. While there are no official reports, it seems that there is chaos everywhere, and the death toll is climbing dramatically. Several World Leaders are expressing concern over the incident, none more so then the President of Esthar himself, Laguna Loire. He states, from the Presidential Palace,

Laguna: I am basically shocked by this outbreak of war and disaster. I mean, when I visited just last year, it was a perfectly peaceful place, with no signs of this anywhere....rest assured, I will keep a close eye on this situation...

DJ: Experts agree that it is very surprising how quickly unrest spread and the wars broke out, and warn that if the Terminians don't come to their senses, other countries may have to get involved. Also, everyone does agree that this is quite the unexpected turn of events, as Termina and its sister nation of Hyrule had always been held in high regard as the example of peace. No word from Princess Zelda or the rest of the Hylian Royal Family on its feelings towards this, but more likely then not, they will be the first country to attempt to intervene.
Aeris: Oh, that's horrible what's going on...
DJ: Yes, it is, but as long as there are races on this world, there will be wars...
Aeris: Sad but true...that's why I like to tend to my garden, at least I can control that world...though I wonder if it's still around after all this time...
DJ: Um, well, anyway, now it's time for our revolving feature...

-w/ the overdone voice effects, you know the drill-

THE ROVING REPORTER'S MOVIE MANIFESTO!!!!

Aeris: I'm going to have to agree with everyone about overdoing it...
DJ: Wait...you were dead, who's you know the last two partners said that?
Aeris: Um....
DJ: Er, anyway, up on Manifesto, we have another summer flick, and another hit from veteran filmmaker Stefan Spillborg. Based on Miguel Crightonn's hit novel, "Reptite Park" is about an eccentric multi-billionaire creating a park filled with ancient Reptites and other extinct animals. This feat is done by extracting the DNA from mosquitoes stuck in amber, and cloning the beasts. The Billionaire, played here by Edward Roivas, then invites experts down to the park for a sort of tour. But a storm, in conjunction with a traitorous computer designer leads to all the security systems to crash, and of course, the beasts get loose and begin eating people. Naturally.
Aeris: The film stars Toma the XIV as the paleontologist invited to inspect the park, along with his paleobotanist friend, played by Lara Croft. Naturally, this movie isn't exactly one to watch if you expect good character development or a deep plot, but the visual effects are nothing short of amazing, from the Nizbel attacking the two stalled tour vehicles to the frighteningly intelligent and vicious Kabutops stalking the two children (played by Young Link and Paula) through the kitchen, the creatures look nothing short then real, breathing animals. While the plot lacks, I'll give this one 7 out of 10 Foys.
DJ: Eh, That's a little too rough, the Animals look great, so I give it 9 out of 10, mostly since we've seen nothing like this in the past. But, we're agreed, so watch it!

Aeris: And now, to the weekly feature...

-same overdone effects-
LETTERS TO MODIFIED EXISTING POKEMON!!!

DJ: Now you'll agree with everyone about it being fun, right?
Aeris: Heheheh...take it away, Foyusa, FPB!

-switches over to the letters desk-
Foyusa: Thanks guys! You look good for being dead Aeris!
Aeris, off camera: Thanks!
FPB: Well, today's letter is from Zanarkand! It reads...

Dear guys,
Help me! My dad was a jerk, and I keep trying to get away from his shadow...but to now avail! How could I possibly get over this!? I've tried everything!

Not like Dad

FPB: Well screw you buddy! You whiny, stupid, annoying idiot! Just from you letter I can tell I'd hate you! You deserve to have a deadbeat dad! Alright Foyusa, go ahead and disagree with me...
Foyusa; Hell no! I hate this guy too! He seems like the crappy, happy happy annoying jerk! He seems to be trying to place the spotlight away from himself to his so called deadbeat dad...hell, I'm sure he sucks compared to his predecessors! So in short...
FPB and Foyusa: SHUT THE HELL UP SMILEY!!!!
Foyusa: Back to you DJ, Aeris...

DJ: -looking confused- Erm...anyway, ready for the wrap up Aeris?
Aeris: Yup!

-coughs-

Aeris: Former Church girl's become a star,
DJ: While a convicted man stays behind bars,
Aeris: FF Physics, are better left untouched,
DJ: While F-Zero Racers complain too much,
Aeris: Peaceful land turns to chaos and war,
DJ: Not to mention how this dino movie doesn’t have much gore,
Aeris: And before we end this rhyme, we must say,
DJ: That stupid crappy guys wearing yellow and hip waders should be shot and dragged in the street since he broke the tradition of cool lead characters and should be disgraced forever as a pitiful, stupid, and downright annoying character that sucks compared to all the others in...

Aeris: Uh, DJ?
DJ: Er, sorry, got carried away there...

-everyone cheers at the insulting last line-

Foyusa: Hey, you finally made something people like!
DJ: Well, at least we're united in our dislike of a certain character!
Aeris: Well, whatever you say!
DJ: Anyway, I'd like to once again thank our now revived Aeris Gainsbourough for sitting in today!
Aeris: No problem DJ! And thanks for bringing me back! Wonder what happened to Cloud....
FPB: Oh, he and Tifa got married...
Aeris: ......WHAT!? Excuse me....
-the flower girl gets up and runs out the building-
DJ: Uh...now, next week will be our final partner for the day, so keep in mind which one you've liked the best! That is, if you bother voting...
Foyusa: Seriously people! The Rouge’s Panel of Judges ™ is already hankering for another butcher, so vote!
DJ: So, for Aeris Gainsbourough, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird, this is DarkJuno, wishing you all a sane and happy day. See Ya!