Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With DarkJuno, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird, this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter.
DJ: Hello, and welcome to the 3rd edition of DJ:(N)RR! As usual, I'm your lovely, charming host DarkJuno, with my buddies over there...
Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: And FPB! Lovely and Charming? Ha!
Millenia: Oh come on, I think he's pretty charming...
DJ: Eh-heh...uh, and of course, here's my partner for the day, straight from Grandia II, the Wings of Valmar herself, Millenia!
Millenia: Hey everyone!!!
Foyusa: Wings of Valmar? More like the rack of Valmar...
Millenia: WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!
Foyusa: Er, nothing....
DJ: Whoa whoa...let's just get to the news, alright?
Millenia: Tch, fine...
-annoying, loud rock like music plays as the camera angle changes-
DJ: First up on the block, reports indicate that the United Bishounen Association will make a stand at the Golden Saucer Battle Square for their, quote, "unfair discrimination against the femmy males." Spokesman Alucard continues, "Ever since Cloud Strife, who isn't even officially classified as a Bishounen, beat out their entire stock of monsters and beasts, we have been turned away and made fun of every time we attempt to enter their competitions! We just want a fair entrance into the tournaments!" Fellow UBA member and head of the "Megalomaniacs that want to Blow up the World" political party Sephiroth adds, commenting from the Brotherhood of Evil Villains Summit in Bowser's Castle, "Sure, some us just happened to be some of the best fighters around, but what about the vast majority of us who are normal Joe shmoes? While it's not me, what about the girly Timmy down the street or little Billie? We say equal opportunity for all, Femmy or not!" Dio, the owner of Golden Saucer, was not available for comment.
Millenia: Straight out of Hyrule, Princess Zelda, now reportedly back to normal, is said to be traveling around her country with the Hero of Time Link, reportedly out of his sling but still wearing a cast, and her nursemaid/bodyguard Impa today. It's to be a 2 month trek as she takes the time to actually explore and live life outside of Hyrule Castle, starting her visit with the eerily friendly, if a bit rude and uncouth, Gerudo Tribe of Thieves in the Gerudo Valley. Other then a somewhat odd ordeal involving the Lone Wolf Queen of the all female tribe, Nabarou, some others, and Link, and another situation where the Princess attempted to -snicker- fight without the prowess she displayed at the Super Smash Brothers: Melee Competition, it seems to be going just fine. Her trek will continue onto the Kokiri, the Gorons, Zoras, and finally a celebration back with her native Hylians at Lon-Lon Ranch.
DJ: Shocking news out of the El Nido Triangle today, as Starky, leader of the "Cute Creatures Kick Ass" (CCKA) Political Party was found brutally murdered at his haunt on the former Island of the Sky Dragon by Dragon Deva Karsh. The murder weapon, a bloody chainsaw, was found tossed into the bushes carelessly by the Acacia Dragoons later on in their search. Acting leader of the party Pip, comments "Tis is a sad dway fow us hewe. Let it be known that I shall not west until we find the muwdewew..."Glenn, leader of the investigative team, later released in a press conference..
-switches to a video of Glenn speaking at the gates of Viper Manor-
Glenn: Rest assured, we of the Order of the Acacia Dragons shall pursue this case head on...regardless of race or species, justice shall be served.
DJ: We will have more information as it develops.
Millenia: Now, as mentioned earlier, almost all of the villains in the world are attending the lavish and exquisite Annual Summit of the Brotherhood of Evil Villains, being held this year at King Bowser Koopa's Castle in the Dark World. But what sucks is that I wasn't invited!
DJ: C'mon now Millenia, you're not a villainess...in fact, you never really were...
Millenia: Yeah, but I'm evil, aren't I?
DJ: Well...you're invited to the Association of Heroes Summit in a few weeks, right?
Millenia: -pouts- Yeah, but it's not nearly as fun...it's too wishy washy and...good!
DJ: Eh...anywho, live from the Summit, we have our inside correspondent, that Time Twisting Sorceress from FFVIII, Ultimecia! Live via satellite, of course. Can ya hear me Ultimecia?
-a slightly fuzzy picture appears, but it eventually clears up and shows the wicked sorceress, a martini in one hand and a microphone in the other. Various villains are seen partying behind her-
Ultimecia: Yes, I kan hear you loud and klear...
DJ: Okay...so, how're you doin'?
Ultimecia: That is none of your koncern....but I am quite kontent...-sip-
DJ: Uh....
Millenia: Okay! Listen here sister! I've always wondered what's up with that accent of yours anyway!?!?
Ultimecia: What insolence! My accent is none of your damn business traitor!
Millenia: Traitor!?! Why you old wrinkled witch!
Ultimecia: Ha! You are merely jealous of my eternal youthfulness, regardless of how much of it I keep koncealed, unlike kertain slutty red heads...
Millenia: WHAT!?!?! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT YOU BI...
DJ: Uh, ladies!? Mind if we get on with this?
Millenia: Tch, fine...
Ultimecia: Proceed DarkJuno...
DJ: Thank you. Now, uh, how's the summit been so far?
Ultimecia: Ah, it had been quite grand! And this raucous party you kan see behind me is how we konklude all of the day's businesses!
DJ: And what kind of business do you discuss?
Ultimecia: Now now...that would be telling our klosely koncealed secrets, would it not?
DJ: Hmm, true enough...
Ultimecia: I kan konfess that part of this summit is us konsoling each other in our embarrassing...loses..
Millenia: You mean all the times any of you have failed miserably?
Ultimecia: Humph! Yes, indeed....
DJ: So, how about guiding us around the party there?
Ultimecia: Why of kourse...ah, over here is the beer khugging kontest...
Bowser: Alright men! Remember, the winner is the one who falls unconscious last!
-Bowser is shown with a whistle around his neck, as the unconscious bodies of Kuja, Melfice, and Mizar are shown laying in the spilt beer, snoring away. Above them, Andross is chugging an entire Keg into his head while Risky Boots is literally swimming and drinking a tub full of the drink-
Andross: I...I...I...shall -hic!-pr-prove that apes can consume the mo-most alcohol.....
Risky Boots: Not likely! -burp!- Women can ha...ha-handle it!
Bowser: Okay! Drink!!! -blows whistle-
Andross and Risky" -hic!- Right!!!
Ultimecia: Hmm, so those two kan drink quite a bit, kan they not?
Bowser: Oh, hey Ulti! Wanna jump in?
Ultimecia: Uh...I would prefer not to involve myself in such a barbaric showing...besides, I am showing the kamera here around...
Bowser: Oh, that's right!
DJ: Well, if it isn't the host himself! What's up Bowser?
Bowser: Oh, nothing much! Love your show, by the way!
Millenia: Heya big boy...
Bowser: -gasp!- She Demon!!!
DJ: She demon? -looks quizzically at Millenia-
Millenia, blushing: Oh...I have quite a history with the King of the Koopa Clan! And don't worry you big baby, I can't get you from all the way over here...
Bowser: Yes, indeed! -sweats- DJ, listen to me! Run away before the she-demon enraptures you in her...
-CRASH!!!-
Ultimecia: Hmmm, seems like we have a tie...
-Andross's big head is seen drooling and knocked out on the floor, while some assorted Koopa Troopas are pulling Risky's body out of the tub before she drowns-
Bowser: Doh! This always happens! Maybe we should seriously consider stopping these alcoholic ways...
Eggman: Bowser is correct! Maybe when we are all sober, we can truly take over our respective worlds!!!!
-all the villains stop and seem to ponder this-
Bowser: ........Screw that! Who's next!?
Almost everyone: ME!!!!!
DJ: Ah, you crazy villains...well Ultimecia, I think our time is up...
Ultimecia: Indeed DarkJuno...I toast to your health, since you, after all, are not of my world
-a wine glass appears in DJ and Millenia's hands-
Ultimecia: Kheers!
DJ: Yes indeed!
Millenia: Well...okay....
DJ: Ultimecia everybody!
-drink-
DJ: Hmmm...what'd Bowser mean by watching out before you en...
Millenia: It's nothing! It's none of you damn business buddy!!!!
DJ: Uh.....now, moving right along, it's time for our intertwined feature! Last week we had The Roving Reporter's Book Block, which will be on again next week, but this edition, we have...
-fanfare, as DJ's voice echoes with pyro and lighting-
The Roving Reporter's Movie Manifesto!!!!!!
Millenia: Geez...talk about over doing it...
DJ: Eh-heh...Anyway, for our initial look, we have a guaranteed summer smash! Hot on the heels of his latest non-movie projects such as his autobiography and latest CD "Gettin' Diggy 'wit It," Knuckles the Echidna returns to the big screen to clean up the scum of the universe in "Anthros in Black." Knux plays a tough and somewhat troublesome NYPD Officer who gets caught up in an alien conspiracy, eventually joining the secretive organization, the A.I.B. Discovered and partnered by an older, gruff veteran agent (Lynx), he dives head long to stop a strange alien from obtaining a small universe, it's location only known as being on "Gilgamesh's Belt."
Millenia: Along the way, the audience meets the leader of the A.I.B. (Kimahari Ronso) and a somewhat peculiar doctor who performs autopsies (Felecia). While the story is slightly lacking, there is never a bad/boring part in the movie, and for the most part, it is hilarious, with Knux's and Lynx's brands of humor clashing and working quite well here. This is no doubt that this is a comedy throughout, regardless of what you see on screen.
DJ: Indeed, but I personally give this 9 out of 10 Foys! Watch it!
Millenia: I agree! Heh, and now, onto our weekly feature...
-Millenia's voice has the same special effects as DJ's earlier-
Letters to Modified Existing Pokemon!!!!!
Millenia:...hey, that was kinda fun...anyway, take it away Foyusa, FPB!
FPB: Thank you, thank you. Today, we have a letter from the tiny continent of Balamb. It says...
"Dear Foyusa and FPB,
I have a BIIIIG problem! My boyfriend is such a silent and quiet guy. NOTHING can open him up! I mean, sure he's a lot better now then he was when I first met him, but still....I, and not to mention our mutual friends, are worried about the guy. Sure, he'd kill us if he found out, but I can't help but be worried! I don't want him to slip back into being anti-social, so help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yours,
-supposedly-Slightly Annoying and Whiny"
FPB: Well, if you want my advice sister, dump the chump! Hell, I'm sure that freak talks to himself more then he does to you! I wouldn't be surprised if his inner conversations could take up half the damn game, er, day! Leave him!
Foyusa; Whoa whoa whoa....let's not be hasty. I think what you need to do is to, uh, move your relationship up here. After all, guys get quiet if they either A) Are Depressed, or B) Want something....and when we men want something, well, more often then not, it's nothing more then a couple..."Horizontal Square Dance" lessons, if you get my drift. But either way, it'll help! Back to you two!
Millenia: Humph! If only Ryudo's mind were more like yours ladybug boy!
Foyusa: Why, thank you....
DJ: .......ANYWHO, time for the wrap-up!
-coughs-
Millenia: Femmy men cry out foul,
DJ: An alien's murderer could've worn a cowl,
Millenia: Villains meet for a meeting that's hearty,
DJ: Nevermind it ends up as a drunken booze party,
Millenia: Aliens watch out for the furries in black...
DJ: To save that relationship, maybe you should give that boy a little "jack"
-louder boos then last week-
Millenia: Cowl? Give the boy a "jack"!?
DJ: I'm still new at this, okay!?!?
Millenia: Humph, whateeeeeeever you say!
Foyusa: Hey, that rhymed, and I'll agree with the lay...
FPB: Quite a cool feat, I'll comment, if I may!
DJ:
;......Before we leave for today, let me remind you to, once again, pay attention to my partners for the next few weeks...you'll soon see why. So now, I'd like to once again thank Millenia for being my partner today.Millenia: It was no problem at all DJ!
FPB: It was great having you here!
Foyusa: -yeah, both of you...-
Millenia: I HEARD THAT! THAT'S IT! COME HERE YOU DAMN BUG!!!!!
Foyusa: Ayieee!!!!!!
-Millenia begins to chase Foyusa around, both flying around with the former attempting to nail the latter with a spike heeled shoe-
DJ: Uh...well, for Millenia, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird, I'm DarkJuno, sayin' good night everyone, and have a sane day! See Ya!
