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[DarkJuno]

Pikachu's Philosophy Book, Stoned Squirrels, the first "Partner for the Day" and the New Name on today's edition of DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter!

Non-Cheesy, 50's Style Announcer: With DarkJuno, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird.... this is DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter.......

DJ: Yes, and welcome to another edition of DJ(N)RR, and to you citizens of the United States, Happy 4th of July! As usual, I'm your host DJ, joined by my faithful companions...
Foyusa: Foyusa!
FPB: FPB!
DJ: And joining me today at the desk is my "partner for the day", King of Fighters and Fatal Fury bombshell, straight out of Japan, everyone's favorite Kunoichi (unless you like Kasumi), Mai Shiranui! Welcome to the show Mai!

-Mai, in all her immodest glory and wardrobe, bounces and nods-

Mai: Konnichiwa! Thanks DJ-chan! It's great to be here!
-DJ looks back up from staring as Mai faces him-
DJ: And it's great to have ya'll, erm, ya here!
Mai, quizzically: What was that slip up for DJ-chan?
DJ: Ah, nothing, nothing at all! -sweats- Um, Foyusa, FPB, welcome Mai!
-With a bounce in her step (ahem) Mai walks over to the side table and greets the two-
Mai: Hiiiiiiii Foy-chan, FPB-chan!
FPB: Hello Mai!
-slaps Foyusa, who's staring down Mai's chest-
Foyusa: Uh, nice to see those! I mean, nice to feel you! I mean....Hi!
Mai: Heehee!!! -bounce-
-walks back over to DJ, who's obviously trying to keep his eyesight above Mai's neck-

DJ: Um, alrighty then, on to the news! And bear in mind that while the bulk of these news items will involve games on a Nintendo system, I have to broaden it somewhat since you can only write about drunken golf and tennis parties so much!
Mai: Oh, I don't know about that...

-Annoying music starts with the camera change, DJ paying no heed-

DJ: First a side note regarding last week; as it turns out, Princess Zelda was possessed by the spirit of a murdered Zora nympho that manifests itself every few years, as reported by Link. As he said...

-Video rolls of Link at a podium in front of Hyrule Castle, his right arm in a sling and his head bandaged under his cap-
Link: Well, it seems that this spirit, which spoke to me soon after certain, uh, incidents has told me that she is truly sorry about the havoc she caused, and not to judge Zelda by her actions.
Press: But...you expect the citizens of Hyrule to accept that?
Link: Why yes...in fact, I'm pretty sure that by next week, it'll be as if that never happened at all....

DJ: Yes, now, onto the real news. Angel Island Resident and Master Emerald Protector Knuckles the Echidna's new book has been released with controversy today. The biography, titled "My Philosophy: Life's More Then Just My Knuckles and Feet," has supposedly been released in an edited format, cutting out parts where Knuckles was alleged to have described the more torrent, stormy, and sometimes bizarre areas of his relationships with both the undead Tikal and former U.S. Agent Rouge the Bat. Knuckles, however, denies this allegation, stating that "This novel is my life, and all I have to say about those two, um, ladies are contained within the book." Neither Rouge or Tikal were available for comment, as the former was away on an expedition and the latter is, well, dead.

Mai: The International Pokemon League today cracked down on the illegal smuggling and poaching of exceedingly rare Pokemon today in a bust in Kanto. The offenders claim, as they were carted off to the local police station, "Hey, the ******* fad's over! Why the hell do you care about the damn creatures!?" However, found amongst the masses of Pokemon was, unexpectedly, Falco Lombardi. It seems that the fact that he was surrounded by the sometimes overly cute, sugarcoated creatures has taken its toll on him, as seen in this video...

-video switch, with psychiatric aides wheeling a tightly bound Falco on a pushcart. Falco seems to be singing-

Falco: Oh we'll tiptoe...through the tulips....

Mai: As of right now, he's in the Medical Center for the Anthropomorphic Kind, and is under some powerful drugs at the moment.

DJ: A shocking revelation from the Spiral Mountain region of the Rareware universe; as it turns out, Banjo's long missing sister Tootie has been found today, looking beaten, bedraggled, and more then anything, stoned out of her mind. Once she came to her sense, she immediately began smoking another joint and had this to say to the press, "I...really don't know much. After Banjo saved me in Banjo Kazooie, I was taking a walk and ran into this kind of...red squirrel smoking one of these babies....and before I knew it, I was hanging with him and some other small woodland creatures doing crack, drinking booze, and other stuff..." She then fell unconscious and went back to her delirious dreaming. Kazooie had this to say, as her partner was too distraught to speak for himself.

"Wakka wakk, kraaaaakk, wak wak wakkaaaaa......."

DJ: Loosely translated, she said, "Oh, he's upset but he's just glad his sister's back and will be by her side for rehab. Humph, frankly, I don't see why he wanted that stupid, blonde freak back anyway..." Fox has expressed interest in making a TV movie about her young life, already tentatively titled, "Bearing the Booze: Life with Stoned Squirrels." and is seeking the rights for the project.

Mai: More shocking news for you, this time straight out of Spira. Al Bhed survivor Rikku was hospitalized today, after suffering a nervous breakdown whilst she was trying to figure out exactly HOW the airships in Final Fantasy games work anyway. As she was wheeled into the Bellevue Psychiatric Compound today, she could be heard mumbling with an empty gaze in her eyes, "Brocelc tuh'd ytt ib...duu rayjo....pek...pek....hu vmuyd...hu vmuyd.....", Which means, "Physics don't add up...too heavy....big...big....no float...no float....." Friend Yuna, Grand Summoner, stated sadly, "We all warned her trying to figure out how airships really worked would be a hard job....but no, she just had to figure it out beyond the usual mumbo jumbo that the pilot/builder spews out during the course of the game." Another close friend, Kimahari of the Ronso tribe, adds, "Well, at least she didn't try to calculate how a Chocobo can hold the weight of a person and skim across the Ocean as fast as an airship...that would have driven her totally insane..."

DJ: And now, for our big feature...It's the Roving Reporter's Book Block!

-loud, clanging music starts, as the logo appears on the screen-

Mai: Yes, every two weeks, DJ and his partner, myself in this case -hehe- will have an author of a new book on and perhaps some insight or review of the material!
DJ: Yes Mai! Now, as mentioned earlier, Knuckles' new autobiography should be in stores now, but it is only one of the many books written by videogame characters at the bookstore as of late. Some of the more recent titles have been Mario's self help book "It's-a Me!: How to Appreciate Yourself," Solid Snake's autobiography "Damn!: Being Replaced by Pasty Bishounens," and Squall Leonhart's surprisingly comedic non-fiction work "Whatever: How Apathy Can Work for You but Eventually Reduce You to being Whipped by a somewhat Annoying, Black Haired, Blonde Streaked Japanese Girl."
Mai: And hitting newsstands next week is this beauty, "PIKA!!!". Here to talk about this inspirational book is its author and world renowned Pokemon, Pikachu!
DJ: Welcome to the show Pikachu!
Pikachu: Chu, ka pika!
Mai; KAWAII!!!!!!
Pikachu: Cha! -smiles as Mai huggles, er, hugs the Pokemon, pretty much smashing it into her, uh, chest-
DJ: -lucky rat- Uh, now let's get into this...in this book, you have some very cool, deep and interesting views on life and existence itself...care to explain how you arrived at this?
Pikachu: -looking up as Mai continues to stroke the obviously happy mouse- Ka, pika pika! Chuka kachu pika pika chu chuka pik chu, pikachu!
Mai: Hmm, I see...but I'm a little lost as to what you mean here in Chapter 5, when you say...
Pikachu: Ka chu chu?
Mai: Yes! What do you mean?
Pikachu: Chu ka! Pika pika, pipipi cha!
DJ: Whoa, don't get technical on us now, the mind boggles!
Pikachu: Pikaaaachu!
DJ: Alrighty, you mentioned how you had to speak to actual gods and goddesses for some of your info...which was your favorite?
Pikachu: Ka ka ka, chu pika chu......
Mai: Her? Why not...
Pikachu: Kachu? pi, pi.......chu cha, pika cha, chu pika pika
DJ: Heh, Pikachu you dog you!
-Pikachu laughs and blushes-
Mai: One more thing Pikachu...do you have any advice to any depressed or aspiring people out there?
Pikachu: Chu! Pika pika, kachu, pika!
DJ: Deep, very deep....thanks for being on Pikachu!
Pikachu: Chu ka
Mai: And now, over to two other cuties, Foy-chan and FPB-chan with this new weekly feature: Letters to Modified Existing Pokemon!

Foyusa: Thanks Mai, DJ! Deep stuff Pikachu! -lucky sob...-
Pikachu, from a distance: Chu...
FPB: Anyway, for our first ever letter, Stacked and Smart from Midgar writes:

"Dear Foyusa and FPB,
Help me! I've never been one to really ask for help, but this is bothering me! People that come in my bar ogle and stare at me all day and think I'm nothing more then looks....never mind I hung my diplomas from Harvard and Oxford on the walls here. They still don't care!"

FPB: Well Stacked, let me say....so what if you're smart!? If you've got the goods, you've got to flaunt it girlfriend!
Foyusa: I beg to differ...while this is from a male perspective, just ignore the horn dogs and look for someone who'll appreciate your intelligence...after all, this way the guy can be happier if you use your, um, goods later on!

DJ: Uh....thank you Foyusa and FPB. Now the recap...ready Mai?
Mai: Yup! -cough- So, by a dominatrix Link was laid...
DJ: A denial on the novel Knuckles has made...
Mai: Falco's under a drug induced nap...
DJ: Drunken stoned squirrels don't give a crap...
Mai: Airships fly with mysterious forces...
DJ: Pikachu digs philosophy courses...
Mai: And before we end and grab a snack...
DJ: There's a brainy chick with real nice rack!

-Boos-

Mai: What's that about a chick with a nice rack?
DJ: Er...anyway, the moment you've all been waiting for.....the results for renaming this show!
Mai: Yes, after a long slow, and painstaking deliberation process by our distinguished panel of judges...

-a side screen shows the ugly mugs of Slash, Ozzie, and Flea from Chrono Trigger, along with Kraid and Ridley from Metroid-

Mai: We've come up with a winner! And now, the show's new name will be......
DJ: -picks up an envelope and takes out the answer, but soon frowns-
Mai: Um, what's wrong DJ-chan?
DJ: Er..."DarkJuno: (Non)Roving Reporter" since all of the submissions sucked and/or had nothing to do with the show itself! Now excuse us while we stalk and murder everyone that entered!" - The Rouge's Panel of Judges
Mai: So...does this mean the show's name stays the same?
DJ: Uh, pretty much, I guess...
FPB: Boy, that was disappointing...
Foyusa: You're right about that...
DJ: All right, the anti climatic name notwithstanding, now I'd like to thank Mai Shiranui for sitting in today...
Mai: It was my pleasure DJ-chan! Heehee! -bounce-
DJ: Uh...-shakes head- Alright, and next week we'll have another co-host, and the other feature that revolves with the Roving Reporter's Book Block every other week; The Roving Reporter's Movie Manifesto, which is where I and my partner do the same thing, except for a movie! 'Till next week, for Mai Shiranui, Foyusa, and Freaky Psychic Bird, this is DarkJuno, saying have a sane day! See Ya!!!
Mai: Ja ne!!!!!!!!! -bounce-
DJ: ......