5 replies to this topic

[Merahuta]

Name: Akio Valor

Race: Human

Gender: Male

Age: 22

Height: 6ft 3 inches

Weight: 184 lbs.

Hair Color/Style: Long, thin brown hair. Bangs come over his red head band and dangle infront of his eyebrows. His hair goes down to his butt and is pulled back in a low ponytail.

Eye Color: Violet

Build: Lean

Origin: N/A


Strengths & Abilities: Trained with a staff(wacking-stick). He has trained senses, so he can ear when someone is in a certain range near him. Other then his sword he hides a dagger in his belt so when his sword is knocked out of his hand he has his dagger. He tried to meditate once a day to clear his thoughts for his next up comeing battle.

Weaknesses: Akio can't swim, although he doesn't like water he does meditate and bathe in it. He can't fight against fire demons, because of a past problem he can not seem to get away from. And is also an insomniac because of his trama as a child.

Biography: When Akio was a small boy he was raised by his parents in a village in Nohin. Life was easy as a child, little chores because you went strong enough to carry two buckets of water to the crops. But Akio's parents wanted their boy to be strong so he could defeat the Dentavi. So they trained him to fight.

They started when he was five and that was making his stronger by carrying more. Then when he became seven they began to train him with a wooden pole and rocks. They would through rocks at him and he would either have to dodge the rocks or hit them off with the pole. Each day he would become stronger and faster. His parents were pleased at this.

At eight years old, Akio's mother became ill. His father would need to care for her so Akio began to do his mother's work in the fields and around the house as well. Getting cuts a scrapes was apart of life and as a child he was even more clumsy. He began to learn what herbs helps and which ones stug.

Learning life on your own was alittle hard on Akio. The only two people Akio trusted was his parents, he never did like to go out and play with the other children.

Eventually his mother got better and she noticed this. She decided she had deprived him of his childhood with training and then told him he had to stop once-in-awhile to relax and clear his mind. By this she ment making friends. Which wasn't easy.

The children of the village had nothing agianst him, Akio was kind-hearted and shy. So they saw nothing wrong. And true there was nothing wrong with him. He began to make friends and continued to train and learned how to intermix the two, and have his friends watch him train for alittle show.

Seeing his parents pleased was all Akio ever really wanted in life. He really didn't need these friends he had gotten but if it made his parents happy he would do it. So his loyalty was true to his parents. But he began to trust the other children too, and learned that you don't always have to please your parents.

Once Akio turned ten he rarely trained and hung out with more of his guy friends and lounged around all day in the sweet sun. But that quickly ended. Once night after Akio had already gone to sleep his village was set on fire. The blaze seemed to touch the sky.

Akio's parents knew they had to get him out. Akio was frightened and didn't know what to do. He ran out of the house as fast as he could with his parents. But his parents didn't escape out of the village. Akio was so worried about himself getting out that he hadn't looked behind him when his parents needed him, he kept on running, and this has haunted his dreams ever since. And the burn scars on his body prove that fire kills everything in its path.

From that day Akio learned to live on his own. Catching his own meals, and fighting off battles was all he cared about. He never liked fire because of the accident and tried to aviod all contact with it. Though his fear for it never left him, he decided to take in his father's words and meditate his worries away.

He traveled around Nohin from when his was eleven to his twenty-first birthday. He stopped at an inn on the border and stayed there a few nights wondering around then middle of Nohin and Eporue.

Then Akio decided that he would travel around Eporue, and see what lies there. The place was more peaceful and the laws were different which made Akio happy he had tried with a staff rather then a sword.

[GraniteJJ]

First of all, I would like to work you to be wary of spelling mistakes. Your submission is chalk-full of spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and you kept on mixing up synonyms and homonyms. Be very careful with that in the future. I'm not here to edit spelling though, but I'm just giving a heads up in case you start to drive some spelling fanatic into a fevered homocidal frenzy and....

Er...enough of that.

Your character is inconsistent.

At the beginning, you list his weapons to be dagger/sword and detail him as being skilled in the use of a staff. Yet, at the end of your submission, you imply that he choses to go the way of the staff rather than the sword. I'm a little confused at this.

And so many questions!

Who are the Dentavi?
Why did he abandon his training to "hang out" with his friends?
Did fear overcome instinct while his village burned?
Did he really believe he could have helped his parents?
What happened to his parents?
How did he feel at the loss?
Who attacked the village?
Out of interests sake, where is he burned? Is it in a place where it makes him stand out in a crowd, or would it only be seen if he was unclothed?

Also, your ending seems to lack any real substance.

I'd continue to work on it.

PENDING APPROVAL

Closure Date: Dec. 1/04

[Merahuta]

Name: Akio Valor

Race: Human

Gender: Male

Age: 22

Height: 6ft 3 inches

Weight: 184 lbs.

Hair Color/Style: Long, thin brown hair. Bangs come over his red head band and dangle infront of his eyebrows. His hair goes down to his butt and is pulled back in a low ponytail.

Eye Color: Violet

Build: Lean

Origin: N/A


Strengths & Abilities: Trained with a staff (whacking-stick). He has trained senses, so he can ear when someone is in a certain range near him. Other then his staff he hides a dagger in his belt so when his staff is knocked out of his hand he has his dagger. He tried to meditate once a day to clear his thoughts for his next up coming battle.

Weaknesses: Akio can't swim, although he doesn't like water he does meditate and bathe in it. He can't fight against fire demons, because of a past problem he can not seem to get away from. And is also an insomniac because of his trauma as a child.

Biography: When Akio was a small boy he was raised by his parents in a village in Nohin. Life was easy as a child, little chores because you went strong enough to carry two buckets of water to the crops. But Akio's parents wanted their boy to be strong so he could defeat the Dentavi, who are the demons that traveled around their country and tormented the village people. So they trained him to fight.

They started when he was five and that was making his stronger by carrying more. Then when he became seven they began to train him with a wooden pole and rocks. They would through rocks at him and he would either have to dodge the rocks or hit them off with the pole. Each day he would become stronger and faster. His parents were pleased at this.

At eight years old, Akio's mother became ill. His father would need to care for her so Akio began to do his mother's work in the fields and around the house as well. Getting cuts a scrapes was apart of life and as a child he was even clumsier. He began to learn what herbs helped and which ones stung.

Learning life on your own was alittle hard on Akio. The only two people Akio trusted was his parents, he never did like to go out and play with the other children.

Eventually his mother got better and she noticed this. She decided she had deprived him of his childhood with training and then told him he had to stop once-in-awhile to relax and clear his mind. By this she meant making friends, which wasn't easy.

The children of the village had nothing against him, Akio was kind-hearted and shy. So they saw nothing wrong. And true there was nothing wrong with him. He began to make friends and continued to train and learned how to enter-mix the two, and have his friends watch him train for alittle show.

Seeing his parents pleased was all Akio ever really wanted in life. He really didn't need these friends he had gotten but if it made his parents happy he would do it. So his loyalty was true to his parents. But he began to trust the other children too, and learned that you don't always have to please your parents.

Once Akio turned ten he rarely trained and hung out with more of his guy friends and lounged around all day in the sweet sun. Mostly because he began to believe that his friends were better then his training, and since they were better they came first. But that quickly ended. Once night after Akio had already gone to sleep his village was set on fire. The blaze seemed to touch the sky. A flare Dentavi lurked in the shadows watching the village burn.

Akio's parents knew they had to get him out. Akio was frightened and didn't know what to do. His mind was only on getting out and away from the heat, he had to dodge the flares and burning ruble that fell down from the houses but this only scared him more. He ran out of the house as fast as he could with his parents. But his parents didn't escape out of the village. Akio was so worried about himself getting out that he hadn't looked behind him when his parents needed him, he kept on running, and this has haunted his dreams ever since. He thought he could have helped them by maybe finding them another path out, but he didn’t look, and because of this his became more of the silent type, and now thinks anyone that he gets to close to he will loose, so he is more of a loner now. And the burn scars on his back and left arm prove that fire kills everything in its path.

From that day Akio learned to live on his own. Catching his own meals and fighting off battles was all he cared about. He never liked fire because of the accident and tried to avoid all contact with it. Though his fear for it never left him, he decided to take in his father's words and meditate his worries away.

He traveled around Nohin from when his was eleven to his twenty-first birthday. He stopped at an inn on the border and stayed there a few nights wondering around then middle of Nohin and Eporue.

Then Akio decided that he would travel around Eporue, and see what lies there. The place was more peaceful and the laws were different which made Akio happy he had tried with a staff rather then a sword. As he got there he could tell that this place was different, other then less demons attacked. More or less the people seemed different. Akio decided he was to stay in an inn in Eporue until morning so he could continue his journey.

[GraniteJJ]

Well, you did not even the minimum corrections of what I asked. You kind of did below the minimum.

I still have no idea who these Dentavi things are. Are they a special kind of demon? You reference a flare Dentavi? What is that? Is Dentavi a species or clan of demons?

Also, your comments on Akio's feelings of loss for his parents are a tad weak. You might want to make an attempt at beefing them up a bit. I'd like to give more specific suggestions, but then it would start to become my work instead of yours, which I assume you don't want.

APPROVAL PENDING

CLOSURE DATE: Dec. 3/04

[Merahuta]

Name: Akio Valor

Race: Human

Gender: Male

Age: 22

Height: 6ft 3 inches

Weight: 184 lbs.

Hair Color/Style: Long, thin brown hair. Bangs come over his red head band and dangle infront of his eyebrows. His hair goes down to his butt and is pulled back in a low ponytail.

Eye Color: Violet

Build: Lean

Origin: N/A


Strengths & Abilities: Trained with a staff (whacking-stick). He has trained senses, so he can ear when someone is in a certain range near him. Other then his staff he hides a dagger in his belt so when his staff is knocked out of his hand he has his dagger. He tried to meditate once a day to clear his thoughts for his next up coming battle.

Weaknesses: Akio can't swim, although he doesn't like water he does meditate and bathe in it. He can't fight against fire demons, because of a past problem he can not seem to get away from. And is also an insomniac because of his trauma as a child.

Biography: (I found out that Dentavi in the continent that the races Nohin and Eporue are on my mistake, sorry)

When Akio was a small boy he was raised by his parents in a village in Nohin. Life was easy as a child, little chores because you went strong enough to carry two buckets of water to the crops. But Akio's parents wanted their boy to be strong so he could defeat the demons. So they trained him to fight.

There are all types of demons, flying ones and some that have abilities that are elemental. The demons normally wouldn’t just come up and start attacking people randomly, but it seems their morals began to change as the people became stronger. They are a race that just wants to rule and destroy anything that gets in their way of that.

They started when he was five and that was making his stronger by carrying more. Then when he became seven they began to train him with a wooden pole and rocks. They would through rocks at him and he would either have to dodge the rocks or hit them off with the pole. Each day he would become stronger and faster. His parents were pleased at this.

At eight years old, Akio's mother became ill. His father would need to care for her so Akio began to do his mother's work in the fields and around the house as well. Getting cuts a scrapes was apart of life and as a child he was even clumsier. He began to learn what herbs helped and which ones stung.

Learning life on your own was alittle hard on Akio. The only two people Akio trusted was his parents, he never did like to go out and play with the other children.

Eventually his mother got better and she noticed this. She decided she had deprived him of his childhood with training and then told him he had to stop once-in-awhile to relax and clear his mind. By this she meant making friends, which wasn't easy.

The children of the village had nothing against him, Akio was kind-hearted and shy. So they saw nothing wrong. And true there was nothing wrong with him. He began to make friends and continued to train and learned how to enter-mix the two, and have his friends watch him train for alittle show.

Seeing his parents pleased was all Akio ever really wanted in life. He really didn't need these friends he had gotten but if it made his parents happy he would do it. So his loyalty was true to his parents. But he began to trust the other children too, and learned that you don't always have to please your parents.

Once Akio turned ten he rarely trained and hung out with more of his guy friends and lounged around all day in the sweet sun. Mostly because he began to believe that his friends were better then his training, and since they were better they came first. But that quickly ended. Once night after Akio had already gone to sleep his village was set on fire. The blaze seemed to touch the sky. A demon lurked in the shadows watching the village burn. Akio guess that this was a demon that had fire abilities and it burned the village.

Akio's parents knew they had to get him out. Akio was frightened and didn't know what to do. His mind was only on getting out and away from the heat, he had to dodge the flares and burning ruble that fell down from the houses but this only scared him more. He ran out of the house as fast as he could with his parents. But his parents didn't escape out of the village. Akio was so worried about himself getting out that he hadn't looked behind him when his parents needed him, he kept on running, and this has haunted his dreams ever since. He thought he could have helped them by maybe finding them another path out, but he didn’t look, and because of this his became more of the silent type, and now thinks anyone that he gets to close to he will loose, so he is more of a loner now. Akio wanted to end his life that night. It was his fault they were gone. But Akio knew better then to just end his life because of this, all of the training his parents tried to give him would have been a waste. His parents had worked so hard to train him and if he took his life what would they think? Akio decided to move on even though this took him many days just to get up the initiative to even move from his grassy resting place. He was hurt more on the inside then on the out luckily for him the burn scars on his back and left arm prove that fire kills everything in its path.

From that day Akio learned to live on his own. Catching his own meals and fighting off battles was all he cared about. He never liked fire because of the accident and tried to avoid all contact with it. Though his fear for it never left him, he decided to take in his father's words and meditate his worries away.

He traveled around Nohin from when his was eleven to his twenty-first birthday. He stopped at an inn on the border and stayed there a few nights wondering around then middle of Nohin and Eporue.

Then Akio decided that he would travel around Eporue, and see what lies there. The place was more peaceful and the laws were different which made Akio happy he had tried with a staff rather then a sword. As he got there he could tell that this place was different, other then less demons attacked. More or less the people seemed different. Akio decided he was to stay in an inn in Eporue until morning so he could continue his journey

[GraniteJJ]

Approved.