16 replies to this topic

[Selena]

As we all know, many of our precious video games get turned into movies. The finished product has a plot that bears little to no resemblance to the original one, even going so far as to become a total mockery of the game. To honor that trend... in this thread, we'll be giving summaries for TOTALLY AWESOME HARDCORE HOLLYWOOD game adaptations. Be as crazy as you like. Don't worry. You probably can't do any worse than Hollywood.

Be sure to include actors for key roles, if you can!




Star Fox
Rated PG-13
The Lylat System - the first extrasolar region settled by humanity. A brilliant tyrant known as Andross has been exiled for his controversial experiments on innocent people. He is banished to the stormy world of Venom, where he plots to conquer the entire system. With a massive army of combat drones and mindless slaves, Andross launches a surprise attack on Corneria, wiping out most of its defenses. In peril, the Cornerians turn to a rogue group of mercenaries for help. The Star Fox squadron. To appeal to a mainstream audience, all characters are now fully human.

Starring:

Sam Worthington as FOX, the brooding leader of the team, plagued by the loss of his ace pilot father.
James Franco as FALCO, the tough-talking Starscream of the group, aspiring to one day replace Fox as the superior pilot.
Morgan Freeman as PEPPY, the wise veteran and father-figure to Fox.
Jack Black as SLIPPY, the comic relief!
Gerard Butler as WOLF, Fox's arch nemesis and the leader of the rival Star Wolf squad. They used to be best friends until a girl came between them...
Megan Fox as KRYSTAL, the love interest.
Anthony Hopkins as ANDROSS, the evil tyrant of Venom.




Carmen Sandiego
Rated R
Fort Knox has just been looted - the latest crime in a string of international high-stakes robberies. Jules Argent is a detective working for ACME, a top secret division of the FBI with clearance to operate all over the world. She's been working the case from the beginning, and every time she closes in on the villain, a high-profile target is horrifically assassinated in warning. Jules begins to piece together the puzzle as the movie progresses, and she realizes that the villain is none other than Carmen Sandiego - her former partner long since thought dead! Having been the greatest ACME agent, Carmen Sandiego is a major threat to world security. Jules must chase her from Kiev to Carolina, from Berlin down to Belize.... only to have an epic handgun showdown in a discreet location barely known on world maps...

Jessica Alba as JULES ARGENT, the now top detective at ACME
Selma Hayek as CARMEN SANDIEGO, a dangerous rogue operative with sinister goals...



Road Rash
Rated: R

On the twisty roads of California, an illegal street racing league has been created by ex-con bikers. Merciless, they kick fellow riders into oncoming traffic and beat them to death with chains, all for a shot at a trophy and a huge payoff. One of the racers slowly realizes that the league is masterminded by a corrupt cop, who gets a huge reward every time his men bring in one of the high-speed racers. Our anti-hero biker must hunt the leader of the league down before he can be silenced....


Starring.... people.





Your turn!

[Egann]

Soul Caliper 2

Rated: R

Long ago there was an evil weapon forged that men might shave, called the Soul Razor...and it gave bad razor burn. Now, the world's supply of illudioum-phosdex, the shaving cream atom, is alarmingly low, and to replace the Soul Edge, our heroes must venture forth and find the legendary beard-clipper, the Soul Caliper.

Starring:

Hulk Hogan.............. as.... Nightmare
Scarlett Johansson.... as... Cassandra
Adam Sandler.......... as.... Mitsurugi


Guest starring:

Nostalgia Critic....... as..... Link


EDIT:

The Legend of Zelda: A Length for the Fast

Rated: PG-13

Ganon has once again kidnapped the beautiful princess Zelda and Link has only one means to save her; challenge Agahnim to the fastest car-race the Twilight Realm has ever seen!

Starring:

Bruce Boxlightener......as......Link
Christopher Walken.....as.....Ganon
Vin Diesel...................as.....Agahnim

and

Will Ferrell..................as.....Zelda


Final Fangasm VII

Rated: PG-13

When an evil monopoly corporation called Shin-rub tries to destroy the world, the only hope for the world is a little group of emo, hippie, environmentalist terrorist whacos who call themselves AVALANCHE. Just as all order seems about to be restored, though, a legendary war-hero long thought dead comes out of nowhere to threaten the destruction of the planet once again, somehow acting badass despite constantly wailing for mommy.

Starring:



Brad Pitt..................as....Cloud Strife
Ian McKellen............as....Sephiroth
Drew Barrymore........as....Aeris
Iaon Gruffud..............as....Zach Fair
Densel Washington....as....Barrett

Edited by Egann, 08 April 2010 - 08:24 PM.

[wisp]

Secret of Mana

A boy pulls a legendary sword from a rock, releasing all manner of monsters into the world. Exiled from his village, he and his friends go on a quest to save the world by restoring Mana, simultaneously going up against the evil Empire who are hell-bent on... well, we never figure out what exactly they're hell-bent on. The movie has to fit into two hours so most of the plot is lost.

Rupert Grint as Randi, the Mana Knight
Miley Cyrus as Purim, the lovestruck girl who fights with Randi in hopes of saving her boyfriend
Verne Troyer as Popoi, the amnesiac sprite
Hugh Jackman as Jema, Randi's mentor
Johnny Depp as Geshtar, a minion of the empire
James Earl Jones as Emperor Vandole

[Mystic Kitsune]

...man I love using this image. XD I obviously take no credit for it. >.>

[CID Farwin]

Morgan Freeman as PEPPY, the wise veteran and father-figure to Fox.

I now have a mental image of Morgan Freeman in an Arwing yelling "Do a barrel roll!"

Thank you.

New Super Mario Brothers
Directed by Tim Burton

Rating: PG

Tim Burton's newest 3-D stop-motion animated film takes you to the Mushroom Kingdom as you've never seen it before! The Mushroom Kingdom is in turmoil; the evil Bowser has once again kidnapped the fair princess peach, and only the Mario brothers can save her! Join Mario, Luigi, and Toad in their quest to rescue the Princess, defeat Bowser, and save the Galaxy!

Dan Green as the voice of Mario
John Leguizamo as the voice of Luigi
Helena Bonham Carter as the voice of Princess Peach
Eric Idle as the voice of Toad
Johnny Depp as the voice of Yoshi
Gilbert Godfrey as the voice of Koopa Troopa
Christopher Lee as the voice of Geno
Tim Curry as the voice of Bowser

Edited by CID Farwin, 09 April 2010 - 12:22 AM.

[Steel Samurai]

^ . . . I would totally go see that.

[Sir Turtlelot]

^ . . . I would totally go see that.

Seconded

[Sir Deimos]

Metroid

Sally Aran is a scientist aboard a space station set up on Saturn's moon, Io. She works as part of a team, studying parasitic organisms that have recently been found to inhabit the moon. However her team is attacked by a group of mercenaries who were hired by a powerful conglomerate back on Earth. The greedy corporation is after the creatures after it is discovered that their bodies can be manufactured into a substance that creates a lubricant of higher quality than today's oils. It is up to Sally, as the only surviving scientist, to take back the space station, and save the alien form of life from total extinction. In a world where her only companion is her space suit, will she be able to defeat the hijackers, save the species, and return home?

[Keen]

This thread was a neat idea, by the way. Now to business.

Along Came a Tetris (Genre: Science-Fiction / Romance / Psychological Thriller)

Star-crossed soul-mates and professional Tetris-players James and Diana live fifty years apart (1994 and 2044). Their only way to communicate is through a time-traveling Tetris game. When James dies in a car-chase with the time-traveling Tetris mafia, the Blocklords, Diana is devastated. But soon, James's messages begin to appear in her Tetris dreams, warning her against a similar fate. Will the lovers be able to transcend the holes in space and time, to complete each other at last, or will they face a crueler, more squiggly end?

To complete this debauchery, let's go ahead and cast Reeves and Bullock of Speed fame.

Edited by Keen, 13 April 2010 - 12:21 AM.

[Moriatti]

NO! Fuck you guys, Tim Burton's Mario Land would be the worst fucking thing.

Even worse than these:

Megaman: Robotolution

Jack just wants to live a normal life, but when Robots begin terrorizing New York City, he must become the Superhero Megaman. Assuming his new identity, he takes the fight to the evil Doctor Wiley, who is building the robots as WMDs in the middle east. Can Megaman stop him before his plan to blow up New York is complete? And can he handle Wiley's own superhero, Protoman? Watch to find out!

Starring:
Nicolas Cage as Megaman
Wil Ferrel as Dr. Wiley
Johnny Depp as Protoman
Vin Diesel as Cutman (who is now a ninja)
Shaquel O'Neal as Strongman
There is no Doctor Light.

Metal Gear Solid
Hard Boiled ex-cop, Dave "Solid" Snake must stop the terrorist organization, led by his Brother: The Water Snakes, who plan to blow up the orphanage that both of them spent their childhood in. Overcoming the demons of his past and his own crippling drug addiction, Snake has to take out The Water Snake's headquarters and Grey Fox, his father and a bombs expert.
Starring:
Keanu Reeves as Dave Snake
James Cromwell as Police Chief Campbell
Edward James Olmos as Alvarez "Liquid" Snake
M. Emmet Walsh as Grey Fox (amalgamated with Big Boss for new fans!)
The Rock as Sniper Mantis
Kristen Stewart as Otacon (amalgamated with Meryl so that the love interest remains the same throughout the next 4 films.)

As my own personal note, both of these could be adapted into really cool movies and WOULD need their plots altered to fit that medium: this is just the worst way I could think of doing it and even pretending to care.

Edited by Moriatti, 12 April 2010 - 11:19 AM.

[JRPomazon]

Why is Vin Diesel in almost ALL of these movies?

[Steel Samurai]

Becaue Vin Diesel is AWESOME.

[Iron Knuckle]

This thread was a neat idea, by the way. Now to business.

Along Came a Tetris (Genre: Science-Fiction / Romance / Psychological Thriller)
[...]

I think something like that does 'exist':

[url="]

[Mystic Kitsune]

Yeah, so does Minesweeper.



EDIT: Well, follow the link as the embed doesn't work:

Edited by Mystic Kitsune, 18 April 2010 - 02:44 PM.

[Keen]

[url="]

Ow.

[GuardianNinja]

Lmao those videos are funny!

[Mystic Kitsune]

Hollywood, feeling very ambitious, decides to make a movie based on "Left 4 Dead"; but with a twist to attract a bigger audience! They incorporated a certain actor who is an underground hit...