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A second chance


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#1 CstsMarked

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Posted 28 February 2010 - 11:01 AM

This is a short story i wrote for my creative writing class last semester. Its a tad bit violent in some parts so if you don't like violence then don't read it. Feel free to say what you want about it.

A Second Chance

I don't know how I came to be here. It was cold lying here, my heart distorted. My whole body wished it would just end, that I could just get up and move on with my life like none of this ever happened. I knew I would make it though this even as large drops started pounding down around me. It just wasn't going to be the way I was expecting it. It was a relief to feel the rain soaking through my clothes and running down my face. The rain washed the blood away and stained the ground red. I don't know how long I lay there before he found me, the man that would give me a life back.

I always knew I would have to lose everything to gain everything I wanted but I never thought it would happen in this way. I had lost my family a long time ago when my father was sent to jail for those murders. I didn't know it would come back to haunt me. I fell out of love with the only man I thought I could spend my life with, and then broke his heart. I plunged a knife in and twisted it until it bled. Well at least that's what it felt like I did to him, in reality it wasn't that bad. I didn't think he would find me after all I had gone through. I was wrong.

The day it happened started out like any other day. I ate breakfast, put on some clothes and grabbed my books for class. I walked along Main Street passing cafés, restaurants, and those newspaper boxes like I did every morning on my way to class. I sat though my classes and went to work like I did on any other day, never thinking for one moment that this day would be different from any other. It wasn't until I saw the front page of the newspaper that I would begin to worry.

The headlines read, Murderer Escapes from Jail, Police Worry he will go After Survivor. That's the moment I begin to worry. I was that survivor, I was the only one to make it threw that wretched night. Everyone else dead, their blood splattered against the walls, soaking into the wood floors. That's a night I have tried to forget. I had thought I moved on with my life and everything was starting to look up, until now.
That night happened five years ago. My father had been in a drugged induced rage and murdered my whole family. My stepmother had been drugging him for a year and influencing his thoughts until one night he lost it and came after us. My mother, my siblings, me. He attacked us all. I'm the only one that got away. They thought my brother was going to pull though but there had been complications. I had managed to call the cops before he found me and tried to take my life. The police came and took my father away, while an ambulance took my brother and I to the hospital. Later when I was coherent enough, I would find out my mother and sister where taken away in those black body bags. You always see stuff like this on TV; you never think it's going to happen to you.

I had gone to a bar in town a few nights later to watch a friends band play and have a drink to try to brush this off and try to think positively that the police would catch him, that I had nothing to worry about. It didn't take long to push it to the back of my mind and get into the music after a couple drinks. After a long night I stumbled out of the bar with my friends at two in the morning, drunk with tiredness. After saying our goodbyes I headed towards my car, fumbling around for keys. Before I had any idea of what was going on I was grabbed from behind and knocked unconscious.

I don't know how long it was before I aware that I was being moved, my body tossed on the pavement. I opened my eyes long enough to see the face of the man I've had nightmares about for the past five years. I tried to struggle but couldn't, one of my worst fears; not being able to defend myself when I had to most. He ran a knife down the right side of my face, a sting replaced where the blade had just been. I felt everything as that cold metal slid into my chest; over and over it slid into my body. I felt my body go limp as if it wanted to give up. I guess he saw my body go limp, because that's when he stopped. Not too long after, I heard a door slam, a car start up and then drive away. I guessed he was gone, thinking he completed what he came to do.

I coughed up blood and that made everything hurt worse. My body wanted to give up on me but I didn't want to give up. I wanted to survive again. I started to doubt that I would survive this time. The rain started then, washing the blood from my body. I was going to survive this time, too. I had to. The rain felt good at first then my body started shivering from the cold. That's when he showed up. He picked me up, and in that instance I felt more pain then I ever had in my entire life. I passed out from the burning sensation passing through my body at that moment.

When I was conscious again I was surprised that all the pain I had felt was gone. I had no clue how long I had been out or where I was now. All I knew was that I felt stronger then ever and wasn't lying on the ground out in the cold any more. When I opened my eyes I saw the guy who had found me sitting in a chair reading a book, watching over me.

"How long have I been out?" was all I could think to ask. It didn't even cross my mind to ask who this strange man was or where I was.

"Two days." He replied as he marked his place in his book and placed it on the table next to him.

"What happened? The last thing I remember…" I paused a moment to think about what exactly did happened. It came back to me in flashes. The rain, the cold of the blade sliding into my flesh, my father's face, and the agonizing pain. I grabbed at my chest and my stomach running my hands along my body expecting blood. He sat there quietly, studying me while I did this. He watched me with the utmost interest.

"Why, how is this possible? I was surely going to die? Why am I not in pain?" I looked up at him expecting a response.

"I healed you. You were very close to death. I gave you life."

"But how? How could I have healed so fast?" I questioned as I examined my skin again, before looking up at him waiting for an answer.

"Wait, you mean…" I sad as the gears started to turn on what he meant when he said he gave me life. I looked at him for any sign that would let me know if what I was thinking was true.

"You were too close to death to save your human life. I gave you my blood. " He paused waiting to see how I would respond.
My face lit up and a smile appeared across my face. He could see that thoughts were racing though my head, the smile never leaving my face. I don't think he expected that response. His eyebrows raised in interest at my unanticipated reaction. I then asked one simple question, "But why give me this life?" It took him a moment before he responded.

"I thought you would take this well in time, but I wasn't expecting so quickly." He paused before he continued. I think that he may have been trying to understand my quick acceptance to this life. He then shook his head and continued, "You see I've been alone too long. It was by chance I happened to stumble upon you. The scent of your blood drew me to you. I took this as an opportunity to give you a second chance at a life and for me to fulfill my desire for companionship." I stared at him trying to resist the urge to smile. He stepped towards me; I stood and stepped towards him in one fluidly graceful step.

"Thank you. You've given me more then you will ever know. I ask of you one favor. Help me hunt down the monster who left me for dead. I'll show him what a real monster looks like."

Edited by CstsMarked, 28 February 2010 - 11:01 AM.


#2 Steel Samurai

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Posted 02 March 2010 - 06:10 AM

Good things:

Beginning. Very well put together, nice intermeshing of the past and present.

Description of the attack. Also well done.


Things that need editing:

Watch your tenses. There's a couple places where you switch from present to past in an ungrammatical fashion.

A few sentences could use some polishing. Also a few misused words.


Bad Things:

Twivampirism. Didn't work, I felt. The concept either needs to be introduced earlier in some sort've foreshadowing method or else changed.




Otherwise, excellent work.

#3 Egann

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Posted 02 March 2010 - 06:18 PM

I see major potential, but it also needs major work. You have a good story idea here, but at the end, it's badly bruised by syntax issues.

Like:

I had gone to a bar in town a few nights later to watch a friends band play and have a drink to try to brush this off and try to think positively that the police would catch him, that I had nothing to worry about.


This verges on being a run-on. There's nothing technically wrong here, but you also have a very long clause which has several ideas going on in it. It still should be a single sentence, but the clauses should be more 'topical.' Like:

"A few nights later I went to a bar; to have a drink, to watch a friend play in a band, but above all else to brush this off, to convince myself that I had nothing to worry about, that the police would catch him."

#4 CstsMarked

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Posted 02 March 2010 - 06:49 PM

mmm i'm still working on grammar. i struggle with that quite a bit. you would think i would be good at that being a creative writing minor. :(

#5 JRPomazon

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Posted 04 March 2010 - 01:52 AM

Keep your chin up, all good things in due time. It's not a bad story, but I agree with Steel Samurai about the vampire-ness. Why not come up with a being cooler than your normal run of the mill vampire?

#6 Goose

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Posted 07 March 2010 - 06:49 PM

Kinda agreeing with the others here.

The end was a bit of a let down, as if it were an easy way to finish the story. Its like you had no idea how to finish and then you thought, VAMPIRE!

I challenge you to come up with another ending. This is coming from a former creative writing major, so I know how hard it can be to write in some instances.

But up until the end, you had me captured, and for that I thank you.

#7 CstsMarked

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Posted 07 March 2010 - 07:59 PM

looks like I have some rewriting to do on that piece. Thanks for the advice

#8 ganonlord6000

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Posted 14 March 2010 - 12:45 PM

Very nice.




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