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The Baron's Boring Day


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#1 SteveT

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 12:20 AM

Baron G'way was the ruler and sole occupant of Leavmalone, as small sovereign nation surrounded on all sides by the Empire of Koridai. You'd think that such an arrangement would allow him to live a calm, peaceful life, devoid of any interaction with another person. The Baron thought so, too. You're both wrong.

You see, no matter how thoroughly the Baron tried to isolate himself from the outside world, stupid things kept happening to him. Maybe a Calation mercenary would wander into his castle and demand to see his boobies. Maybe some dried up husk from the Desert of Mystery would turn up in his wine cellar. Maybe a Koridai war party would try to conquer is one-acre kingdom. You get the idea.

The point is: it was all very annoying and he was sick of it. He simply refused to put up with other people's shenanigans anymore, and resolved to find some way to seal Leavmalone off from the rest of the world.

In short, Baron G'way decided that today would be the most boring day of his life.

#2 SteveT

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 09:50 AM

Baron G'way lay awake in bed for over 2 hours before rolling out.

Then he went back to bed.

Best.
Day.
Ever.

#3 Nevermind

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 10:15 AM

Outside the Baron's window, a proud cockerel was perched on a small branch high up in an apple tree. His breast was full and his head cocked back. With every ounce of energy he could muster, the rooster let out a piercing but magnificent crow that very nearly split the Heavens themselves. With a subsequent, satisfied cluck, he ruffled his feathers and continued to sit.

Waiting.

#4 SteveT

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 11:56 AM

The Baron awoke with a jerk. Ok, so the jerk was outside. And had probably been awake for a while no, so maybe a better phrasing is "The Baron awoke because of a jerk."

The point is: the Baron was awake and there was a jerk, and he knew which one. "I thought I took care of this problem...," he said to himself as he got dressed. Munching on an apple, he ambled up to the apple tree and gave it a shake. With a stern look on his face, he said to the rooster, "Didn't I banish you already?"

Edited by SteveT, 20 March 2010 - 12:30 PM.


#5 Nevermind

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 12:29 PM

It would seem a strange thing that one would ask of a rooster a question that one clearly expected to be answered.
As the rooster had so rudely awoken the Baron - and with no just reason as to its doing so - it was only fair that the Baron should so carelessly ask of this rooster such a question and expect it to be answered. It could also only be fair that under such circumstances, a rooster who had been asked a question and was expected to answer it, should be no less than apt in holding his own in a conversation amongst peers (and quite probably other cocks).


With a slight tilt of his head, the cockerel looked down upon the Baron and with an ever-so-cocky(;d) gaze, a voice dripping with repugnance and a barely-audible snort - a response reserved only for such fine nobility as a tree-dwelling rooster - he simply replied "No".

#6 SteveT

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 01:56 PM

"Excuse me for a moment."

The Baron went back to his office and quickly drafted up a decree. He brought it back to the tree and nailed it up, without so much as looking at the rooster. Then he went back inside his estate and locked the door.

The decree read:

By my (Baron G'Way) decree, any vertebrate other than myself is hereby banished from Leavmalone. All living vertebrates other than myself not currently inside Leavemalone's borders shall be denied entry.

That ought to do it he thought to himself. Wait.....can that bird even read?

#7 Nevermind

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 10:33 PM

Now, roosters are not particularly curious creatures and this one was no different. Ignoring whatever had been nailed to the tree, the rooster let out another ear-splitting - and very masculine, mind you - crow across the entirety of the small sovereignty.

#8 SteveT

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 11:46 PM

"GAH!" shouted the Baron a shudder. This cock was ruining everything!

He stormed up to the sole tower of his castle (there had been two before a particularly ugly border dispute that also cost him the reference section of his library), and loaded his only canon. He aimed it directly at the tree and fired. He didn't even bother watching the shot, and wiped the excess gunpowder off his hands on the way back to his study.

Edited by SteveT, 20 March 2010 - 11:46 PM.


#9 Nevermind

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Posted 21 March 2010 - 12:10 AM

It was all over before the rooster even had a chance to ruffle its feathers at such an unnecessarily excessive extermination attempt (attempt was the key word here as the process proved unsuccessful). The tree was now naught but a stump, the remainder of its composition still floating to the ground in the form of splinters and wood dust.

As the rooster lay on the ground, there was a strange sensation running down its spine - or rather, where its spine used to be. The blast had shattered its vertebral column but had not seemed to rupture the skin. The rooster could still move its legs, though. Obviously the spinal cord was still intact and fully functional. The small parchment the Baron had nailed to the tree had also remained intact and now floated down to settle on the grass in front of the cockerel's face.

It is only natural that one could surmise a rooster whom possessed the ability to both speak and survive a direct cannon blast would undoubtedly be literate. It is never good to make assumptions on such things, though, as this rooster could not in fact read at all (the education system within the Sovereignty was in need of desperate revision since the reference section of the Baron's library had been lost in border disputes). Despite being illiterate, the rooster was definitely of the opinion that he had produced much neater looking chicken scrawl just scratching at dirt patches.

So, not being able to read, nor stand, the rooster could just lie, staring at the horribly scratched out letters, wondering what it was they were supposed to be telling him - not that it mattered as the decree in fact did not apply to spineless cocks.

#10 SteveT

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Posted 21 March 2010 - 04:26 PM

After an hour of silence, the Baron decided to bring his book outside and sit on the stump of the tree while he read it. He had certainly expected to see a mass of blood and feathers, but a limp cock wasn't exactly what he planned on.

He listened for breathing; the bird seemed to still be alive.

"Well, serves you right!" he said. "I mean, I gave you fair warning to get out of here."

He stared at the bird for a while longer. It didn't move.

"Look, I'm not going to apologize. This is my sovereign nation and you had no business here in the first place."

The rooster continued to not do anything.

"Ok, fine, you can stay. But try to keep quiet!"

Edited by SteveT, 21 March 2010 - 09:28 PM.


#11 Nevermind

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Posted 21 March 2010 - 09:34 PM

All the cock could do was lay flaccid. This was the first time such a thing had happened and he was not quite so sure what to do about it. Should he feel embarrassed? Ashamed? Of course not! Managing to convince himself that this happened to many cocks and could be considered normal, the now-crippled rooster just continued to lay, listening to the Baron quietly stumble over the words in his book as he tried to sound them out - the Baron too was obviously suffering from the effects of having lost parts of his library.

With naught else to do, the rooster decided he too would try to read and thought it would be best to practise with the letters on the decree in front of him. Surely there would be something interesting and thought-provoking written on that page if the Baron had gone to so much trouble to enforce it! So, with a heavy sigh, this noble, tree-dwelling, jerk of a bird squinted his eyes and began his determined attempts on the first word.

This was going to be such a boring day!




"THE END"

Edited by Lazurukeel, 21 March 2010 - 09:40 PM.





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