4 replies to this topic

[Black Knight]

Name: Aribeth de Tylmarande
Race: Moon elf
Gender: Female
Age: 100 (in 20’s by elf standards)
Height: 5’4”
Weight: 100 lbs
Hair Color/Style: Brown, long and flowing
Eye Color: Blue
Build: Lean and not very muscular, right handed, attractive (even by elf standards)
B/W/H: B= average W= thin H= average
Origin: Neverwinter Nights, by Bioware and Wizards of the Coast

PART II

Strengths & Abilities: - good fighter
- very nimble, quick and dexterous
- can heal wounds
- receives divine favor from Tyr
- good leader

Weaknesses: - not very strong (physically)
- not very tough (resistance to blows)
- more susceptible to dark magic
- emotionally unstable because of her traumatic childhood.


PART III

Aribeth was a young elven girl living in a small community. Her village was raided by orcs and goblins at the age of 50. The elves were all slaughtered, including Aribeth’s parents. Aribeth survived by hiding in a cupboard while her home was destroyed. Aribeth became very vengeful after this. She trained in the arts of war with a human man until he was also brought to his end by a goblin arrow.

Aribeth couldn’t take it anymore. She ran into the wilderness and scoured the mountains in search of revenge. She hunted the orcs down one by one with her bow and sword until she met her match. Aribeth had been too hasty and was outnumbered -- the orcs left her for dead in the snowy mountains of the Spine of the World. Aribeth was clinging to life by a thread and hid in a cave to outwait a snowstorm ravaging the mountains. As she lay sleeping there a voice woke her. She slightly opened her eyelids and saw a strong man with one hand severed at the wrist. This ghostly apparition picked her up as she went unconscious.

Aribeth awoke in a monastery of Tempus, God of Battles. The monks knew not who had brought her there; they found her at their doorstep and cared for her wounds. It turned out that she had seen Tyr, the patron of paladins and knights. Tyr appeared in her dreams many times, asking Aribeth to stop her vengeful ways and become a knight in his service. Aribeth agreed and as soon as she was fit, she journeyed to a temple of Tyr.
There she trained as a squire until she was knighted. Aribeth then became one of the greatest knights in all the Realms. She found employment in the city of Neverwinter as a member of their council. She rose through the ranks and became the advisor to Lord Nasher Alagondar, ruler of Neverwinter.

Optional: Due to Aribeth’s traumatic experience as a child, she can feel abandoned by her God if something goes terribly wrong (such as her lover Fenthick being executed unjustly in Neverwinter Nights). Then, she might turn away from the life of a paladin and become a black knight. In that case she no longer can heal wounds, but she can cause wounds instead with but a touch. She no longer channels positive energy and instead uses negative energy. In this case she also needs a new patron deity such as Hextor, Lord of Tyranny or Mordred, patron of black knights.
Though a person that she really cares about could persuade her to return to the path of righteousness (as in Neverwinter Nights).

If you would like a better idea of her appearance check my avatar or personal photo in my profile. Go easy, this is my first submission.

[GraniteJJ]

Sorry for missing this for so long. It was lost amongst all the approved ones.

Please form the strengths and weaknesses into complete and coherent sentences, with a bit of beef behind them that ties them into the story a little better.

Your bio needs a lot of work. I want you to completely rethink the structure of your biography and try to focus on the following key elements:

Define the need of the character, the driving factor.

Define the persons personality a bit better, and try to keep the personality consistent with only major events changing it. People are stubborn and don't change easily, so your character shouldn't either.

Explain why she was left for dead, her feelings about being the only survivor of a massare.

Who was the man she trained under?

Why did the Orcs leave her for dead?

Why did Tyr save her? Does Tyr regularly save random people? How did she take shelter in the cave when she was on the verge of death?

What was her life like with the monks?

Outline the struggles on the path to becoming the greatest knight in the realm.

Your character lacks substance and realism. It seems a cliche character. Murdered family, vengeful request, reborn a peacemaker.

Try to revamp it.

PENDING APPROVAL

[Black Knight]

Name: Aribeth de Tylmarande
Race: Moon elf
Gender: Female
Age: 100 (in 20’s by elf standards)
Height: 5’4”
Weight: 100 lbs
Hair Color/Style: Brown, long and flowing
Eye Color: Blue
Build: Lean and not very muscular, right handed, attractive (even by elf standards)
B/W/H: B= average W= thin H= average
Origin: Neverwinter Nights, by Bioware and Wizards of the Coast

PART II

Strengths & Abilities: - Aribeth is a good fighter with both bow and sword
- Aribeth is very nimble, quick and dexterous. She can dodge blows with ease
- She can heal wounds through her positive energy
- Aribeth is a good leader and very charismatic.

Weaknesses: - Aribeth is not very strong physically.
- She is rather frail and is hurt more easily than most.
- Aribeth is more susceptible to dark magic.
- She isemotionally unstable because of her traumatic childhood.


PART III

Aribeth was a young elven girl living in a small community. Her village was raided by orcs and goblins at the age of 50. The elves were all slaughtered, including Aribeth’s parents. Aribeth survived by hiding in a cupboard while her home was destroyed. Aribeth felt alone and scared, with nobody to comfort her. This fear grew into a burning hatred and Aribeth became very vengeful after this. She trained in the arts of war with a human man by the name of Sir Hector until he was also brought to his end by a goblin arrow.

Aribeth couldn’t take it anymore. Now she had lost her only guardian and couldn't do anything about it. She ran into the wilderness and scoured the mountains in search of revenge and to vent her anger. She hunted the orcs and goblins down one by one with her bow and sword until she met her match. Aribeth had been too hasty and was outnumbered -- the orcs defeated her and assumed she was slain. So she was left her for dead in the snowy mountains of the Spine of the World without anyone to help her. Aribeth was clinging to life by a thread and hid in a cave to outwait a snowstorm ravaging the mountains. As she lay sleeping there a voice woke her. She slightly opened her eyelids and saw a strong man with one hand severed at the wrist. This ghostly apparition picked her up as she went unconscious.

Aribeth awoke in a monastery of Tempus, God of Battles. The monks knew not who had brought her there; they found her at their doorstep and cared for her wounds. It turned out that she had seen Tyr, the patron of paladins and knights. Maybe Tyr knew that she had the potential to become a great paladin in his name. Tyr appeared in her dreams many times, asking Aribeth to stop her vengeful ways and become a knight in his service. Aribeth agreed, after all she didn't have anything to lose and this God had saved her for a reason. Aribeth lay in bed for many weeks under the care of the monks. They were friendly and understanding when Aribeth was in a bad mood. As soon as she was healthy enough to travel, she journeyed to a temple of Tyr in Calimport.

There she trained as a squire until she was knighted. She began to enjoy life again and felt happy to have a place where she was appreciated. After years of championing Tyr Aribeth became one of the greatest knights in all the Realms. Her motivation was pleasing her God and it made her happy to serve. The road wasn't easy. Aribeth found herself on the front lines of Neverwinter's armies several times, fighting against orcs and other evil humanoids. Except this time Aribeth faught for the lives of her nation rather than revenge. After proving her worth she found employment in the city of Neverwinter as a member of their council. Aribeth rose through the ranks and became the advisor to Lord Nasher Alagondar, ruler of Neverwinter.

Optional: Due to Aribeth’s traumatic experience as a child, she can feel abandoned by her God if something goes terribly wrong (such as her lover Fenthick being executed unjustly in Neverwinter Nights). Then, she might turn away from the life of a paladin and become a black knight. In that case she no longer can heal wounds, but she can cause wounds instead with but a touch. She no longer channels positive energy and instead uses negative energy. In this case she also needs a new patron deity such as Hextor, Lord of Tyranny or Mordred, patron of black knights.
Though a person that she really cares about could persuade her to return to the path of righteousness (as in Neverwinter Nights).

If you would like a better idea of her appearance check my avatar or personal photo in my profile. Go easy, this is my first submission.

[GraniteJJ]

*sigh*

When I said to make your strengths and weaknesses sentences, I didn't mean just add her name in. How about a new suggestion? Make your strengths and weaknesses paragraphs. Elaborate on them.

You still need to include a fair chunk about Sir Hector. It seems he just walks into your character, and literally in the same sentence, he walks back out. You're going to need to elaborate on him a bit more.

And as for how she was "left for dead"...I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. Something tells me that orcs, these heartless and ruthless killing machines wouldn't just knock her over and assume she was dead. There had to be something that happened to her that prevented them from confirming their belief. Perhaps she was struck by an arrow and toppled backwards off of a cliff, landing in a patch of nettles which concealed her from view. Then, the orc scouts who came in search of her were hard pressed to reach the ledge she had landed on, so they weren't able to investigate that area. They assumed she was dead, she wakes up, sees a cave nearby and rolls in to shelter herself from an oncoming storm. It's that simple.

You also should elaborate on her stay with the monks, and her spiritual/mental trek to becoming a paladin in the service of Tyr. I'm not going to give a suggestion for this one, you should come to a conclusion on your own. Good luck, and happy writing.

Approval Pending.

[GraniteJJ]

You missed the deadline.

LOCKED AND VOID!