Clone: All right, cameras all in place, microphones ready, set dressed and prepped....well, looks like we’re pretty much a go for the parade! Number 2!
UFS#2: You know, I have a name...
Clone: Whatever. #2, go down the street and wake up our special guest host, it’s about time we-
Penelo: -pops out from off screen dressed in cold weather Ivalice gear- Hi everyone, I hope I’m not late!
UFS2: o_o
Clone: ....hmm.
Penelo: ...what? I thought the coverage doesn’t start for another 15 minutes?
UFS#2: No, it doesn’t, it’s just that-
Clone: Usually, our parade coverage begins with some stupid, pre-planned little skit where the guest host gets knocked unconscious and wakes up on the street here. We don’t normally expect them to just....show up normally.
Penelo: Aw, that sounds kinda fun, too bad.
Clone: *shrugs* Eh, it’s not a problem. I guess you can just go ahead and go up to set where make-up will do some touch ups – you sit to the left of Millenia.
Penelo: Sure thing, good luck guys! –walks off towards the stage-
UFS#2: Hmm, that’s weird.
Clone: You said it. Anyway, prep my Uncle and Ms. Millenia for their “wacky-“
UFS#1: -rushes into scene, out of breath- Guys, guys, guys!!!
UFS#2: Last I checked, neither of us were...
UFS#1: Girls, then. I can’t find DJ and Millenia anywhere!
Clone: WHAT!? We’re on in less then 15!
UFS#1: I know! I was going to see if they were already at the theme park for their random entrance this year, but no luck!
Clone: Dammit! Where the –bleep- are they then!? *notes censorship* Grr...friggin’ TV-G rating....
-Meanwhile...-
DJ: What!? Whaddya mean we can’t go through!?
Official: Sorry, but all inter-dimensional travel out of this plane is currently prohibited.
Millenia: Why exactly? There aren’t any quarantines or anything going on!
Official: The system is malfunctioning – we can take incoming travelers, but outgoing right now is on the fritz. My apologies.
-Naturally, DJ and Millenia, looking rather irritated, are standing at St. Heim’s dimensional gateway, attempting to get to Station Square in time to host the parade.-
Millenia: Great! Now what!?
DJ: What are you so mad at me for? You are the one who said that you had to come here for a pit stop and it would only take a second!
Millenia: HEY! How would I have known about this problem!?
DJ: Whatever. Point is, we’re stuck, now how the heck are we going to get out of here? The parade starts in....10 minutes!
Millenia: Besides, it’s getting kinda toasty standing here in winter gear...
DJ: Just a little....think think, how do we get back.....
-fade out back to a slow pan of Station Square, the metropolis adorned in Christmas decorations as crowds line the streets in bleachers and on foot, excitedly waiting for the parade to begin. Festive music begins to play-
Non Cheesy, 50’s Style Announcer: Live from Downtown Station Square, this is the Non-Roving Reporter’s broadcast of the 93rd Annual Station Square Thanksgiving Day Parade! Sponsored by the Shinra Electric Power Company – Now with 85% Less Genocidal Ambitions.....The Silph Co. Not Just For Trainers....Wright & Co: We Bring Justice For All.....and DataDyne. Now, let’s meet our hosts and NRR Anchors DarkJuno and Millenia, joined this year by special guest host Penelo, for this year’s extravaganza!
-The music begins to blend into a festive, Christmas version of the NRR theme but abruptly cuts off when the camera switches to the set, where Penelo, looking fairly confused is seated alone at the desk set up at the parade’s first corner-
Penelo: ...uh, hi everyone...?
-In the Production Truck-
Clone: ....that’s it, my career’s over. Again. *takes a swig of something from a bottle*
UFS#3: ...little early?
Clone: ...shut up.....
-Back in St. Heim-
DJ: Hmm....Ah! I know!
Millenia: What? Know what!?
DJ: I know how we can get there on time!
Millenia: Well, what’re you waiting for!? Do it!
DJ: ......you sure?
Millenia: Of course! Whatever it takes!
DJ: ...well, this goes against every single thing I believe in, and I feel terrible for doing this...
Millenia: What?
DJ: -picks up conveniently placed 2X4 and cracks Millenia over the head with it-
Millenia: Nerrrrgh.
-falls over-Random Guy: Hey! That dude just knocked that girl out!
Random Guy #2: Son of a...! How about taking on someone your own size!?
DJ: -drops wooden piece- Gladly!
CLONK!
-Suddenly, the screen transitions out to a bunch of wavy, disorienting lines, as all of a sudden, it fades out...and back into to DJ and Millenia, both passed out in the middle of the street in Station Square. Both come to-
DJ: Bwaaarg....-clears eyes and looks around- Hey! It worked!
-Millenia comes to now, though she’s not....as happy as DJ-
Millenia: -grabs DJ by his jacket’s collar- You little –censor- -censor- -censor-! What the hell was that for!?!?
DJ: -hack- Millenia....look, we’re here....
Millenia: Eh? –looks around and drops DJ- How in the He....
DJ: Doesn’t matter! C’mon, we’re late!
Clone: *sticks head out of production van and yells, shaking fist* I DON’T CARE WHAT SHE WOULD SAY IF SHE WERE HERE, I’M KICKING YOUR –censored- FOR THIS!!!!
Millenia: ....yeah, she’s definitely raised by you two...
DJ: Bah, let’s go!
-The two dash down the street to the set up desk, where Penelo sighs in false relief and shakes their hands as they hop in, putting on their headsets. Yes, of course, this whole thing was yet another stupid elaborate set-up skit, but meh-
Penelo: Wow guys, I was wondering when the two of you would show up!
DJ: Sorry about that, Millenia here got us a little delayed!
Millenia: Yeah, but you didn’t have to overreact like that!
DJ: Hey, it worked, right? Anyway, hello everyone, and Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for joining us here, today, at the 93rd Annual Station Square Thanksgiving Day Parade, back here on NRR! I am, of course, your turkey carving host DJ, with my usual partner...
Millenia: Millenia, complete with headband!
DJ: -mutter-
Millenia: And as all of you already noticed, this year we are joined by Penelo as our co host! Thanks for joining us Penelo, even though you don’t actually celebrate this holiday.
Penelo: The pleasure’s mine, glad to help! Though I did wonder why I’d be asked to co host when I never even heard of this holiday...
Millenia: Tch, blame DJ, so far only one of our special co hosts has actually celebrated Thanksgiving –turns to DJ- and don’t think I haven’t noticed that we’ve only ever had one guy do this as well!
DJ: Hey, not my fault only lovely ladies are available for this.
Penelo: Heheh, thanks for the thought then!
Millenia: Don’t fall for it Penelo, he’s just trying to cover himself to appear better.
Penelo: Ah, don’t worry, I know enough men who are actually suave and a hit with the ladies.
DJ: ...whatever. But anyway, yes everyone, after last two years’ unfortunately –cough- disastrous coverage of the parade by that other company, it’s back in our veteran hands!
Millenia: Yeah, though whatever sabotage – erm, I mean unfortunate twists of faith plagued prior years’ parade broadcasts really are unfortunate, but rest assured, we know what we’re doing!
Penelo: Hmm...you two wouldn’t happen to know anything more about it, would you?
Millenia: Of course not!
DJ: That’s just silly! Anyway, we’ll be back after this, with the start of the parade!
-shot of Link buying arrows and bombs from the store-
Narrator: Bundle of 30 Arrows – 15 Rupees
-shot of Samus buying supplies from a Fed Space Station – notable are the angry Space Pirates behind her, upset that she’s still using a Capital One branded card-
Narrator: Missiles – 500 Federation Credits
-shot of Mario buying Fire Flowers from a Toad behind a counter-
Narrator: Power Fire Flowers – 30 Gold Coins
-Shot of all three looking at each other, nodding...then proceeding to leap at each other in a brawl-
Narrator: Rising above forms of currency exchange to beat the ever loving crap out of each other – Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy. For things to kick your friends’ behinds, there’s MasterCard.
DJ: ...and we’re back, and from the sound of that horn, we are just about ready to get underway here!
Millenia: Yup, and there it goes, with the Station Square Marching Band starting it off, playing the parade’s official, unofficial theme song of sorts, as they lead the traditional deep fried Turkey float down the street!
Penelo: Wow, and I thought deep friend Chocobos were big!
DJ: That’s right, this bird weighs 6 to....wait, ya’ll actually eat chocobos!?
Penelo: ...well, yes, wild ones anyway. Not the domesticated ones we ride and keep as pets, of course!
DJ: That...just seems so horribly wrong.
Penelo: Hey, have you ever had to fight an angry wild red chocobo?
DJ: No, can’t say I have...
Millenia: Hmmm, how big are the drumsticks?
Penelo: One can feed Vaan and I on the airship for a week!
DJ: Well, disturbing consumption of normally friendly birds aside, this one weighs 6 tons, and has a couple of turkeys of our own on it!
Millenia: You realize we use that joke every year, right?
DJ: Eh, it works. But aye, there, of course, are my old buddies Foyusa and Sailor Freaky Psychic Bird, waving to the crowd!
Millenia: Along with Mai once again driving alongside in the cranberries! And taking the wheel in the gravy boat this year is the Grand Marshall.....uh......who the hell is that guy?
DJ: -looks through notes- Um...no clue. Apparently he’s supposed to represent self made avatars?
Penelo: Seems like a cop out to me.
DJ: Agreed, but whatever, the float’s still awesome as always, and is a staple here at the awards.
Millenia: Following that is another regular here, Boco and Koko the Chocobos!
DJ: Being pulled once more by Chocobo riders provided by Chocobo Bill! Now this is a hell of a drumstick, eh Penelo?
Penelo: Right, though I probably need to make it clear that we don’t eat them all the time.
Millenia: Sorry dear, now that you’ve said it, it’s going to stick.
Penelo: What? C’mon, it’s only because we don’t want to waste any perfectly good meat left on a black or red chocobo that we take down in a battle.
DJ: You sure? After all, these are the finest bred Chocobos across any of the world(s), bred specifically for movement, from hauling wagons to races in the Gold Saucer! So very lean if you want to think of it that way.
Millenia: Hmm, has anyone in Ivalice thought of opening up a Kentucky Fried Chocobo then?
Penelo: Man, I never should’ve mentioned that.
DJ: Too late now. But whatever the case, per tradition, the last of the parade’s required ordered line up, the Balamb belles, dance their way up next!
Millenia: Hrmph. Prissy little high kicking show-offs...
Penelo: Oh? Their dance routine is pretty impressive, especially considering how it’s about 40 degrees right now and they’re wearing nothing below the....well, sensitive region other then boots.
DJ: Well, remember Penelo, Balamb gets freakin’ cold all the time. All of ya’ll watching from the northern areas of worlds have to realize, while 40 degrees is nothing to you guys, for the three of us, this is damn chilly. I’m from Texas, Millenia’s the Wings of Valmar, and Penelo, heck, you live in the desert, correct?
Penelo: Well, I live all over in the airship, but yes, I’m from Rabanastre and that’s smack in the middle of a desert.
DJ: So yeah, forgive our collective whining – though personally, I like the cold.
Millenia: Well, I don’t. Valmar was basically the ultimate evil of my world, so that means lots of hellfire and brimstone. I hate this cold – but not as much as those damn Belles!
Penelo: Oh?
DJ: Yeah Penelo, Millenia here has a little grudge against them for being able to do the splits on concrete – I don’t understand it myself, but...
Penelo: But the splits are easy, it’s handy in combat.
Millenia: Bah, you dang little pixie girls bragging about being able to do splits. Wait ‘till you’re thousands of years old and then try to do them!
Penelo: ...I’m pretty sure I’ll die before then. o_o
Millenia: Oh...right.
DJ: Anyway, next up is the float from the upcoming production of The Christmas Carol from the Station Square Grand Opera! Love this story.
Penelo: Sorry, can’t say I’ve ever heard of it.
Millenia: I have, and I still hate that damn story!
DJ: We went through this three years ago Millenia, and I still don’t know why.
Millenia: Please, it’s such a tired story, and at the end, the guy does an out of character total 180! I’d never do something like that!
DJ: Well, I guess you’re entitled to your opinion, but here’s the next float – it’s a concert stage!
Penelo: That’s right DJ, this is sponsored by the upcoming Rock the Lifestream –insert year here- Festival!
Millenia: ...did you read that right?
Penelo: Yeah, that’s what it says, though I’m not sure why.
DJ: I’ll look into that, but yes, it’s a charitable event where proceeds go to various charities across the globe(s). It features some of the biggest acts across the world(s) from various genres of music – but this particular float here represents one facet of the concert – rock! My kind of music!
Millenia: Yup! This is Pandora, the proclaimed Dark Princess of Rock, well, rocking out on the float because she’s actually in town for a concert tonight, and gladly came out for this float in order to promote the upcoming event as well!
Penelo: I have to say, this kind of music doesn’t really work for me.
Millenia: Eh, it’s that nu-metal crap, what do you expect.
DJ: Hey, some of it’s good, it depends on the artist.
Millenia: Please, Mr. Actually likes Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80’s.
DJ: .....we’ll be back after this.
-Zidane walks up in front of a white sheet-
Zidane: Hello, I’m not a swordsman, or a black mage,
and I don’t wankst, monologue, or brood in a corner.
I do know Cloud, Squall, and Tidus, but they’re not exactly my kind of people.
I go into Trance, not a Limit Break, and I speak English, Japanese, and Angst – not Emo.
-crickets chirp-
Zidane: ...okay, sometimes. It’s the Thamasa Soul, NOT the Soul of Samantha,
I can-
-At that point, HERO I, Firion, Luneth, Cecil, Bartz, Terra, Cloud, Squall, Tidus, Yuna, and Ashe come out and interrupt-
Tidus: Uh, Zidane? What’re you trying to do?
Zidane: I’m...ranting?
Squall: .....first of all, you’re about 6 years too late with what you’re trying to do. Second of all.....you’re the exception Zidane, not the rule.
Bartz: Yeah....this rant’s supposed to be used to dispel stereotypes, but....most of it is pretty much true. Heck, I’m about the only other Final Fantasy main character to come close to you.
Terra: Right – just about all the rest of us here have got who knows how much angst and depression on our shoulders, even after we “got better.”
Zidane: C’mon guys, I was trying to have a little bit of fun!
Cloud: Sure, and right after that Kuja can come out here and talk about how villains are actually not all at least a little fruity looking.
Kuja: -from off stage- I heard that!!!
Squall: ...whatever.
Yuna: Still, this all brings up a good point.
Firion: What could that be?
Ashe: Pardon my assumptions, but I believe it is because for all of our differences and similarities, each of us, as individuals, all share the one place in life we occupy.
Zidane: I guess so...I did have a line in here about diversity.
Luneth: Well, we might all be overly angsty, but...we’re all angsty because of different reasons?
Cecil: That...is a good enough reason for all of us to say...
HERO I: ..........
Firion: And I’m Firion
Luneth: Luneth
Cecil: Cecil Harvey
Bartz: Bartz Clauser
Terra: I’m Terra Branford
Cloud: Cloud Strife
Squall: .....Squall Leonhart
Zidane: Name’s Zidane Tribal
Tidus: I’m Tidus
Yuna: Yuna
Ashe: And I am Ashelia B'Nargin Dalmasca
All: And I am a Final Fantasy Hero!
DJ: ...and speaking of whom, here come the Shoopuffs, containing the members of the FFMCC!
Penelo: Yeah! Hey Ashe! –waves-
Millenia: Yup, all 12 members of the upper house, as well as well as the others from the lower house are here, riding on those dopey ass animals.
DJ: Hey, so far no other creature’s been good enough to hold these guys as they come down the street.
Penelo: Well, they’re kind of cute in their own lumbering way, though they don’t seem to have any mouths?
DJ: Aye, so far it’s kind of a mystery how these guys feed, though it’s not much of a stretch to think that they feed using their long noses there, siphoning minerals or small creatures from the water in which they live.
Millenia: And of course, this is the first year that Queen Ashelia is on this ride, after much debate on whether it was to be him or Vaan.
Penelo: Yeah, but they finally realized that in the end Ashe is the central main character to the story, she was the one. At least it wasn’t as big of a debate about whether or not Vana’Diel would have a seat, or whether or not Yuna belonged up there.
DJ: Right, but hey, it’s still entertaining. Up next is another balloon – hey, it’s a Slime!
Millenia: Ooooh, those annoying little things! They’re not that tough, but they show up all the time!
Penelo: Hmmm, they actually kind of look almost familiar.
DJ: Well, they have cousins in other worlds, but Slimes are distinct in their rather...well, happy expressions!
Penelo: Wow, they are a lot happier then the slimey gels and flans we have to deal with all over Ivalice.
DJ: Indeed, and to be fair Millenia, some of them can be rather tough in battle.
Millenia: Well, this one isn't, despite its size, it's still just full of nothing but hot air!
DJ: Certainly sounds familiar....
Millenia: Wha? Hey, what the hell does that mean!?
DJ: Geez, I wasn't even referring to you.
Millenia: Oh...never mind then.
Penelo: Hmmm, you seemed to jump at that a little too quickly there Millenia.
Millenia: Oh, hey now, wait a minute.
DJ: Uh-huh.....
Millenia: Uh....hey, here's the next float, from the good people at the Shinra Electric Power Company!
DJ: Good people? What the heck are you talking about, Shinra was one of the biggest, most scumbag filled corporations across the entire world(s)!
Penelo: Aren't they also a sponsor or this year's parade?
DJ: Yeah, they are, but that's just a cover.
Millenia: Now now DJ, Shinra's reformation has been pretty public, what with the outing of several of its old guard when it reformed a few years after Meteor and all. Rufus Shinra himself is clearly a new man then what he was before!
DJ: I'm still not entirely sure how he's not dead, to be honest. Same with that Tseng guy...
Millenia: Hey! Aerith is alive isn't she?
Penelo: Yes, but that was DJ's fault, wasn't it?
DJ: -cough- We don't bring that up anymore......but I assume that's why the float is of a Mako reactor being re-purposed as a green house of some kind?
Millenia: Yup! According to this, Shinra is now pouring money into the new oil fields and other sources of energy found on the Planet, and at the same time slowly going about converting the old reactors into more environmentally friendly places, like museums and stuff!
DJ: Right, sure. I also see that part of the info package here clearly states that the PR spokesman can "neither confirm nor deny any insidious secret plot going on beneath the public surface."
Millenia: I'm sure that's just lawyer talk.
DJ: ...Sure. Anyway, behind the PR stunt, we have a whole convoy of vehicles! It's the Mario Kart circuit, albeit....none being driven by any of the respective drivers from the Mushroom Kingdom.
Penelo: That's right, this is to promote the coming of the Station Square Grand Prix next Spring, when the racers of the Kart series come to Station Square for the event. Hmmm, sounds fun, I wonder if it's anything like racing chocobos?
Millenia: I don't know, I don't think those birds come in 50, 100, or 150 cc's.
DJ: Probably a lot easier too. Stupid Calm Lands Chocobo racing.
Penelo: Well, I heard Spiran Chocobos can be a lot more difficult to deal with, mostly because there aren't nearly as many places you can take them around like we do in Ivalice.
DJ: Maybe, though still, at least none of them ever try to eat us if we run into them in the wild.
Millenia: Nor do we try to eat them.
Penelo: Oh, stop it already, we don't eat them all the time or anything like that!
DJ: Uh-huh....anyway, looks like we've got another balloon here, it's Kea....something...?
Penelo: Oh, I've heard of that, it's Keaton, some kind of popular children's character from Hyrule. One of the kids in Rabanastre has one of those imported somehow.
Millenia: Hmmm, looks just like a fox except with more tails to me.
DJ: Eh, pretty much what it is according to this, but as Penelo says, it's a pretty popular character amongst young Hylians, despite prior generations saying it would never last past the initial hype on its release. 10 years later it's still a pretty popular IP in the kingdom.
Millenia: I'll never get these things - some of the kids in my class think he's cute too, now that I think about it.
Penelo: Well, if it works out well in one area, it's worth trying it in other places.
DJ: Indeed. Aha, now here's the float sponsored by the major fighting federations across the world(s), representing the athleticism, grace, and discipline it takes to be a fighter for entertainment. Here we have various participants from the Street Fighter, King of Fighters, and King of the Iron Fist tournaments.
Millenia: Oh it's just a giant ring with lots of either buff guys or big chested women waving.
DJ: Well, I see nothing wrong with the latter...
Millenia: And I see nothing wrong with the former.
DJ & Millenia: So eh.
Penelo: Gee guys. Besides, a couple of those guys on there are kinda scrawny...and that one girl there is....a little lacking...
DJ: Yeah, well, you can't win everything it seems. Still, one hopes that this union for the holidays may well lead to a giant crossover tournament in the future, which the KoF and SF have done before.
Millenia: Please, that thing just gets silly. They might as well throw in Mortal Kombat in there too, and Soul Calibur!
DJ: Don't be silly Millenia - the MK tournament is for the fate of the world, not a prize, and Soul Calibur is a sword - there is no tournament.
Penelo: I'll never understand why people like watching this sort of thing. I mean, people get hurt enough in wars, why do it for entertainment?
Millenia: Because it's fun, that's why! A little bruising or ass kicking will never hurt anyone....besides the participants.
DJ: True, but I kind agree with Penelo as well. Wrestling is one thing, MMA is quite another. Still, I suppose as long as there are rules in place that make it so you don't kill the other guy - or gal - in the ring, it's okay.
Millenia: Hmph, wimp.
Penelo: Well, here comes another of the local marching bands.
DJ: Aye, and with that we'll take our final break and when we return, the big guy himself arrives!
Millenia: Mario?
DJ: Well, it's the right color scheme....we'll be back after this!
Millenia: ....or not. Huh, what happened there?
Penelo: Looks like someone fell asleep on the job back at the station guys.
DJ: Man, that guy is so fired when I get back. -cough- Anyway, the time is here, because I think I hear the sounds of tony little hooves coming down the street!
Millenia: Yup, it's Santa!
Penelo: Santa Claus huh? I've heard of this guy.
DJ: Hmmm, you guys don't have Santa over there, or even a suspiciously similar character that's almost but not exactly the same?
Penelo: Nope, can't say we do. Though....what are those weird animals pulling the sleigh?
DJ: Those are stantler, Pokemon common in the Johto region but can occasionally be seen elsewhere. As people know, this whole parade tradition began as a result of Santa here coming to the city in the early 1920's by train, and people lined up to watch him travel down to the department stores around here. As a result, we now have the traditional parade every year!
Penelo: Well, it's neat how this whole spectacle springs from a little event like that.
Millenia: Yup! Hey kids out there, I think i hear your Mom calling you!
Millenia: All right, so DJ, who's playing Santa this year?
DJ: Heh, apparently, it's our good friend Leon S Kennedy!
Penelo: Wait, the guy who was your special guest host last year?
Millenia: Yup, that's awesome? How'd he get roped into this.
DJ: Apparently, Ashley pulled some strings and owed someone a favor, so she dragged Leon into playing the big guy this year. Gotta say, better him then me!
Millenia: Yeah, keep thinking that.
DJ: ....anyway, that brings our coverage of this year's parade to a close! I'd like to thank Penelo here for honoring us with her presence as our special host this year!
Penelo: My pleasure, it was fun!
Millenia: It was great having you! But DJ, next year, another guy please?
DJ: We'll see. Whatever the case, from all of us here at the Non Roving Reporter, have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and see you all at the next NRR!
Millenia: Bye!!
Penelo: Take care everyone!
"All right Clone, what the heck was up with that missing commercial?"
"Hell if I know, one of the techies back at the station messed up and didn't finish all the editing on time, it looks like."
"That lazy bastard. He's getting his ass fired!"
"You got that right DJ, huh, the nerve of some people being late."
"Indeed Millenia, indee.....Clone, why're you glaring at us like that?"
"....you two.....mad at someone being late?"
"....yes."
-cough-
<.<
>,>
