4 replies to this topic

[Din's Daughter]

These are just my many versions of Aqua, AKA Anna for various roleplays.




Medieval/Legend of Zelda version:

Name: Anna Twilight
Nickname: Aqua
Age: 13
Original: Yes

Strengths: magic-her most powerful spells are water-based, although they're not powerful enough to kill except on a lucky shot, she can also teleport by turning into a sort of 'shadow' version of herself, and she can transform into a wolf. Horse riding-she's good at any speed and is confident when jumping. Swimming- is a fast swimmer and can hold her breath for long periods of time. Fighting with two daggers (one in each hand), she is very persistent, once her mind is made up it is EXTREAMLY hard to change.

Weaknesses: archery, she has never hit anywhere close to the target, hates fire and heat due to the fire that killed her family, geography and remembering places and paths- she gets lost easily always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She can't stay in her shadow or wolf forms for more then an hour. She has trouble fighting on horseback with her daggers. She has trouble swimming upstream, as most do.

Appearance-She's the average height for a 13 year old girl. Her eyes are blood-shade red, and her hair is straight, reaches down her back, and is as black as night. She wears black, gold, silver, green, blue, and red bangles around her wrists. She wears a black short-sleeved shirt and black shorts along with black battle boots. Her skin is paler then most people's however, due to reasons unknown.

Bio: Is one of the only two members of her family, herself and her cousin. Her mother, father, aunt, and uncle were killed in a fire that was believed to be arson. Her twin sister was killed by a thief making a run for it. She now lives on her own and hardly sees her cousin anymore. She plans to avenge her family, along side her faithful stallion Demon.

Back when Aqua's magic abilities were just starting out, before she had learned her first water-based spell was when her house was burned down. It was about three years ago, Aqua was about 10 at the time. Aqua was riding through her home village on her stallion Demon, or in the native language, Delcela, when she spotted the smoke rising above the village. She spurred Demon and took off at a gallop, passing the wooden houses of the village, both single and double story houses. Then past the school house and the markets. Her house was on the outskirts of town, near the river. Demon leaped over a fallen tree and came to a stop in front of a two story wooden house engulfed in flames. Her twin sister was laying on the ground nearby with her cousin kneeling over her. Aqua jumped off Demon and ran over to them.

"Alec, what happened?" She asked him, and her 17 year old cousin looked up at her

"Everyone else is trapped inside." He panted to her, and she got up and ran towards the burning house. "ANNA NO!" Her cousin yelled at her, but she entered the burning building. The heat was unbearable inside, and the walls were all engulfed in flames. She looked around, the smoke clouded her vision, but somehow she found the stairs and started up them, until they gave way beneath her. The last thing she remembered inside the house was falling down to the floor below and landing in an extremely hot room. She hit her head on the table and was knocked out, waking up outside, the only one near her was Demon. She has yet to figure out how she got out of the burning building.

About Two years later, Aqua, her cousin Alec, and her twin Flame had left the village, taking only what they needed, three horses, Demon, and two ginger brown horses. They moved upstream a ways, in a farming village. Aqua and Flame were out feeding the horses, cows, and sheep while their cousin was off at market. A flash of black zipped by when they were in the sheep pasture, and Flame took off after it. Aqua watched in confusion but chased the blur after awhile. They both jumped over the fence and stopped watching a man with a large bag of fleece making a run through the fields. Flame growled

"He's stolen our products!" Flame growled and then took off before Aqua had a chance to stop her. The thief turned around and pulled out a knife. Then he stabbed Flame in the heart, and she fell to the ground. Aqua screamed, then unsheathed her daggers and chased after the thief. She threw a dagger at him, and it missed. She cursed and threw the other, it cut the bag of fleece. The thief noticed Aqua chasing after him in pure rage, and dropped the bag before disappearing over the hills. Aqua picked up the torn bag of fleece, and started walking back towards Flame's dead body, tears running down her face.

Edited by Din's Daughter, 28 December 2007 - 11:49 PM.

[Steel Samurai]

*sigh*
Alright, this needs alotlotlot of work before I can even consider approving it. Firstly, the strengths and weaknesses are only close to what needs to be there. For strengths, we want to know a) what abilities she has b) things she's good at and c) personality attributes, like stubborn, ruthless, etc. For example, you mentioned magic as one of her strengths. What spells can she do? How powerful are they? How much endurance does she have? The last one can be in the strengths and weaknesses section or it might be in the bio. For weaknesses we want a) things she's vulnerable to b)downsides of her abilities, if any, and c) personality flaws, if any. Remember that the strengths and weaknesses must be fairly well balanced before they are approved, i.e., if you have a dude that can use all five types of elemental magic with amazing skill, is ridiculously strong and can wield a sword with amazing skill, he will not be approved.

The main thing that needs work, however, is the bio. Four sentences is nowhere near enough. This Character has a bio of a decent length, it shouldn't be shorter than one or two paragraphs less than that. In the bio we look for you to a) give a fairly detailed history of the character and b) tie the strengths and weaknesses somehow. For example, you said she hates fire and heat. Why? What caused this antipathy in her history? What were the specifics, we don't just want "1 day she fell in2 a really hot bath lol," we want a moderately detailed description of the events surrounding the incident. I'll leave you with that, don't be discouraged at the amount of work to be done, this has the potential to be a good character, so work at it and shell get there.

[Nevermind]

Try to tie all her strengths and weaknesses into her bio. That usually makes it easier to flesh it out.

[Din's Daughter]

*scratches back of head* Heh, thanks. I'm not used to getting characters approved, as you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a newbie on this site. I've edited it, if there's anything you want me to change I'm happy to do so.

[Steel Samurai]

Ok, that's better, but there's still a few problems. First of all, you didn't explain how she got her water magic, which is definitely something we would want to know if we were going to be RPing with this character. I also want to know why they left the village, how they got to be selling fleece, and how they got from her sister's death to her living by herself not seeing her cousin much. Strengths and weaknesses are looking better, though some of them seem a little obvious; fighting with dagger's on horseback is difficult regardless of what character you are due to dagger's inherent lack of length and the need for said length on a horse. Rather minor really, but something to think about. With the amount of Strengths/weaknesses (heretofore referred to as s/w) in this profile, I think I'd like you to make a quicklist, or a summary of the s/w in bullet form to aid those reading the profile. Not all s/w sections need this, but for some it helps to be able to get a good idea of what you're trying to get across in the s/w section. Good example of an effective quicklist. Lastly, in the future please copy your revised summary into a new post with the changed parts in italics. This just helps us to see quickly how the bio, s/w, etc. has changed. Once you get all that squared away we should be close to approval

Edited by Steel Samurai, 29 December 2007 - 10:57 PM.