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#1 deep

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Posted 07 October 2004 - 09:47 PM

So. Had this idea to make my first real Unoriginal character since I controlled the SeeD males from FFVII so very long ago. I was gonna make Coheed Killgannon of the Online Bag Adventures of Coheed and Cambria comic book series. (Music from the band is based on the story which is put into visuals with these comic books.)

The flaw I quickly found with the RPG form is that...well...I don't know that much real, cemented information about Coheed. My knowledge is a working (and by no means correct) interpretation of the lyrics, and of the one comic that has been released. Was all pretty much up in the air at this point, and I felt that was not fair to Claudio, who created the character, and for the poor mod having to read over my submission, so instead, I'm gonna make my own special, medieval variation of Coheed Killgannon, but I'm gonna keep the tacky last name...He should've just named him, Coheed Theprincessisinanothercastle.

Just thought I'd post that now, instead of possibly having to explain it later...I don't know. If this is against rules, tell me. Its not really stealing any ideas save the name...But I do credit the source...Whatever he's a (non)original character. Anyway. Yes. Onward.

Name: Coheed Killgannon

Race: Artificial Human

Age: Ageless (Oh. Right. He's 38 now, but he hasn't aged since he was 18. I totally forgot to add that into the bio. He fused with Mr.Demon-man at 18, and due to the demon being ageless, he is now, also ageless.)

Height: 6'2''

Weight: roughly...200 some pounds.

Hair Color/Style: An even mix of black and brown folicles part off the center of his head. His bangs, so to speak, follow the contour of his face, on the left side resting against his chin, while the right extends off of the chin to the neck. The rest of his hair is either pulled back into a ponytail, or messed up to mimic a messier pattern that the bangs take.

Eye color: Dark Brown

Build: Built. Unimpressive upper torso. No comic-quality pecular exaggerations, but his thights and calves are especially built.

Appearance: Pertaining further to his face, Coheed has a pointed, angular nose. He has a long mouth kept parsed as if perpetually concerned, creating a small shadow that sticks below his lower lip. His eyebrows are nothing short of bushy, but grow somewhat angular, because I said so. Although his pupils are dark brown, the whites of Coheed's eyes bleed into the brown of the pupils, creating a very engaging pattern and color in his eyes. Across his forehead stretches a thin, rectangular, black tatoo. At the very center of his forehead, the line is broken, and a dot stands in the gap. The same design runs across his cheek from his ears, and when the line stops, a dot fills the gap, but this time, the thin, rectangular line turns 90 degrees and stretches down his chin, down to his neck. Coheed is completely clean-shaven.

Pertaining to clothing, Coheed wears a metal breastplate over the top of any other clothi he's wearing. Its beaten, scratched, and worn to the point where lacklustrous can no longer describe it. Under it, he usually wears a brown vest made out of a rough, almost burlap-like fabric, with a lighter, vertically striped green and white undershirt. These two clothing articles extend beyond the breastplate - which only reaches his ribs - to down below his waist. He wears simple, worn brown leggings, each with a leather strip running vertically down the thigh, becoming a cross at the knee, before disappearing into his soiled, black boots.

His shirts are sleeveless, exposing his toned arms. On each arm Coheed has three wide scars, each placed symmetrically, corresponding to each respective pair. He keeps them wrapped in makeshift bandages, shreds of cloth, dirty, and tied together haphazardly to cover up the scars. Why? Because replacing clothing with giant holes in the sleeves is expensive.

Strengths and Abilities: Coheed has given up his earthly body to a demon. (More on this later.) He does not age naturally, and also has improved stamina, constitution, and the like. Embedded deep into his arms are six blades total, three in each arm, resembling sleek, think scythes. They are retractable, but his deep scars that never seem to heal give away the location of each blade: two in his lower forearms, just above the wrists, pointing toward his hands, two larger, thicker ones in his upper forearms, facing back towards his shoulders, and the final two, the thickest and most devastating, lodged in his biceps, facing back towards his shoulders. The blades are sharp. You know, its a strength, and not necessarily an inherent ability.

Weaknesses: MY CHRACTR HSA NO WEKNESES!!!1 EYE M AUTO-GOD!1 *cough* Where was I? Well. Psychological weakness right away - He gets nightmares (and episdoes when he's conscious) concerning the blades, and how they were implanted into his arms. Spasms, sleep-walking, spontaneous killings...Its like a nervous twitch that ranges in severity.

He has no perception of wrong versus right. Rather, really lacking a conscience. He serves the demon's will upon the earth, and although he may be present at the time and place of something dastardly, even if he were to feel a pang at any point, there would be nothing for him to do but coldly finish the job.

Weaknesses in the physical realm root from the demon. Holy Water in large enough quantities will consume his flesh, and in smaller quantities, just hurt and burn and bubble and boil a lot. The demon hates fire, as well. That is avoided at all costs, regardless of bodily harm incurred. Its a partial psychological weakness, but because its not really his psyche that is affected, I'm chalking it up to physical weakness. So yeah...burning Holy Water is a very bad thing.

Personality: Coheed is cold. He speaks quietly, bluntly, and unapologetically. He isn't quick to show emotion, and isn't entirely sure how. His speech is concise, but clear, not garbled or mumbled under his breath. His low voice cuts through the ears of his listeners, and it chills their spines.

His Biography? I think you should move this up maybe...For me, its the easiest thing to write first, or second. Placing it third makes me have to allude to it, and then refer back, rather than just throw it out and then draw from it. Maybe from now on I'll just submit backwards?

This would make all the more sense, had anyone joined Cicatriz.

Biography: At the age of 18, Coheed Killgannon was a marvelous captain of an unnamed army that defended a small castletown, the name of which is unknown, or at least, stricken from the records of history. His mind was blown when a being of another species altogether, a Prise, told him of his greater purpose in life, and introduced the notions of space-travel, universal destruction, and ultimate evil, effectively blowing his provincial, small-town mind.

An all-out war for the universe was waged, and he gained more and more knowledge, growing stronger and stronger, and all the while sowing the seeds of his own destruction. It was the final battle, the ultimate struggle of good versus evil, although it was not fought between Coheed and the aforementioned ultimate evil. Another took his place in the battle, and had vanquished the evil being once again, imprisoning him in a mythical stone of legend.

Coheed felt disinfranchised. He had traveled far and watched many close to him be brutally killed with the understanding that he was the savior of the universe. He had sacrificed everything, and had nothing left but the fate of the world to strive for, and even that was stripped away.

The evil was able to take hold of Coheed's faltering faith, and coerced him to drive the stone into his heart, giving up his body to the demon.

It was now twenty years later, and Coheed had fallen deep into the recesses of his own consciousness where he had been imprisoned by the demon spirit, who had made a few improvements upon Coheed's lanky, ineffective human body. A lapse in the demon's concentration caused Coheed to regain full consciousness of himself once again, staging an adventitious mental coup.

Now with a large majority of control of his mind and body, Coheed is forced to cope with the memories of the death and brutality suffered at his hands. The blades in his arms, serving as a constant mark of his sin, seem to have a mind of their own, and the perpetual precense of the vengeful demon burns the back of his mind.

Further Elaboration:

The Prise are a race of demi-god beings. They exist in the universe, but on a different plane than the other races. When the plot of Cicatriz happens, and the universe is slowly destroyed, conflict cuts the Prise in half, one side saying they should be fine, and not bother with the other damned, vile beings of the universe, and the second half wanted to save it. The ones determined to save it gave up their saintlyness to exist in the mortal plane to warn worthy people of the impending doom, and assisted them in ending the threat in the end. This Prise was the co-tagonist of my RPG, supposed to be played by Delphi, who swore off the internet about a week before my RPG was supposed to start. Her function in the story was to constantly bugger Zeyon onward, and eventually get Coheed into action when Zeyon and his faction were losing.

Coheed was supposed to be a minor character in my RPG, and through its plot, have his true personality created through experience. I wish the experience would have happened...

The unknown evil becomes known, he gets a form, and was supposed to be played by Link/Jasi/whoever ended up showing up. He "plugged" in a sense, the special kind of black hole that was devouring the universe, using physics and density and the happy stuff in that area. This warped his DNA, body structure, mentality, you know...that stuff throughout the years. He gained the powers to feed positively off of negative emotions, and vice versa.

He wanted the ultimate destruction of the universe, to wipe the slate clean of the tainted beings that had made him the monstrosity he was. He, like one half of the Prise, believed he'd survive the destruction of the universe. (There's a lot to my universe theory I used for the RPG, DJ can account for its longness. Basically, the Big Bang, the Big Shrink, and the re-Big Bang would happen.)

Coheed is convinced that he should be the one to save the world, through the words of the Prise egging him on in case Zeyon should fall. Coheed didn't know he was just an understudy, and when he witnessed the final, climactic battle between the unknown evil, only unknown because he never happened, he is pissed. So very pissed, that when Zeyon uses his energy concentration powers along with a very old artifact - a mood ring. :P - to trap the evil away, Coheed's negative emotions combined with the creature's affinity with moods allowed their two powers to fuse, giving an effect almost like embedding a Shikon jewel. (Damn. Another InuYasha comparison...)

So. This RPG sounds futuristic, so why is Coheed medieval?

It was going to be an exceptionally catastrophic war. Pretty much, the civilizations weren't that advanced, only having a few artifacts they were unknownlingly given by the Prise. After the war, all of these artifacts were destroyed by the conflicting Prises, along with the general blowing up of stuff during the battles.

So its back to bare-bones kind of stuff. Not that it wasn't before, but now there is absolutely zero contact between the planets, all of which have fallen out of their artificial orbits, (More of my RPG plot to get into) and will most likely never come into contact again for a very long time.

So. There's the backstory.

At first, the Demon had de facto ownership of Coheed's body. He salvaged what he could of Prise artifacts to implant Coheed's ridiculously awesome arm blades, although his craftwork with the metal was flawless, his craftwork with human flesh sucked. Coheed knows nothing of what happened for the twenty years he spent in the recesses of his own mind. Basically, it was what the demon wanted, but on a much smaller scale. He's pretty much bringing about the eventual genocide of the human race, one or two barfights at a time. He's only one man, with ridiculously awesome arm blades, mind you.

After drinking a ton (you know alcohol made it through the war) and getting beaten over the head with the hilt of a sword, the demon lost enough control to allow Coheed back his body. Think of his time in his head as intensive meditation. He was in his own little world, where he couldn't move, could only think, and everything seemed to be white.

Now, he's a very focused individual, and although the demon thrashes about in the same recesses he had trapped Coheed's consciousness, Coheed is very intent about keeping him down. This gives insight into his stolid nature. Coheed feels that he needs to maintain full focus, full composure at all times, or the demon will gain some sort of control.

So...to answer your question...Coheed is in tenuous complete control of his head, but he still has to cope with waking up from a 20 year mental coma to a pair of alien - although ridiculously awesome - arms with hardware, an aching head, and a bad rep that seems to follow him wherever he goes.

How is this? Its more complete. Its still barebones, as compared to what I could write about his past.

In summation...He's a stolid person out of an internal paranoia. Coping with changes in society, changes in his body, and changes in the way people interact with him. Its like a whole new puberty, but with ridiculously awesome arm blades to make it a little better. Have I stressed just how awesome they are yet? Cos...They're awesome.

So...In effect, I've realized that he's still a dynamic character. Although his life and character had been defined by the RPG (rather...would have been) due to these circumstances, he's ripe for new growth and experience once again. (And it leaves me open to fit him how I please into different roles. :P)


#2 GraniteJJ

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Posted 08 October 2004 - 05:40 PM

That was really good. No glaring errors or holes I noticed on a first read through. I'm going to leave it and come back to it and read it again.

You gave me the impression that this was unfinished, and as you said in your edit at the bottom, you noticed the bio is a bit lacking. I agree with this, and I'm wondering, are you going to add more to his history?

Also, you depicted him very well. Rarely do people get the personality and behaviours of the characters described well on the first run-through. Although your description of his personality was everywhere, I still got a good idea of what this guy is like.

Excellent physical description by the way. You pretty much formed a picture in my mind with your description. Bravo.

Again, I'm leaving it open in case you wanted to add to the bio. You might want to beef up some vague areas. You don't explain a whole lot about the conflicts, you just have a floating air of mystery hanging over them. That's fine, if that's what you want, but I think a little more description would be appropriate.

#3 deep

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Posted 09 October 2004 - 10:07 PM

I'm checking in, I really don't have to time to add anything at the moment, and I have to get into work tomorrow at 7:30 AM, so maybe tomorrow afternoon I'll add what you want, cos I do want to go further. I just had to get that out.

The background of his was supposed to be the plot of Cicatriz, my latest RPG flop. I can only give you the abridged version, because none of it actually happened...If you want, I'll spend my whole time at work contemplating on exactly how the main points should have played out.

Is there anything really specific you want me to elaborate upon? Just telling me to elaborate in general creates so much more work. :P

#4 GraniteJJ

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Posted 10 October 2004 - 06:31 AM

Well, I'd elaborate on the significance of the "Prise" who comes to him and tells him about space travel, etc, etc, etc.

You may also want to elaborate on the conflict with this unknown evil.

I also think it might be a good idea to expand on the mental struggle between your character and the demon within. Is it ongoing? Or has he just pummeled the demon into submission with one "mental coup"?

Other then that, I can't say what you should add. I thought it was pretty good now, but you said you wanted to add more. Therefore, I am anticipating more. I got the feeling beforehand that you were just putting the bare bones of the story up there.

So, yeah. Add whatever you feel you need to. You said you want to go further. So, go.

#5 deep

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Posted 10 October 2004 - 09:20 PM

edit: Sweater.

#6 GraniteJJ

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Posted 17 October 2004 - 07:28 PM

DP, can you incorporate that into your original bio...just for a sense of unity between the two, and so anyone who reads up on your character gets the whole story? Also...you know...gotta follow the law of the land.

Remember to use italics for the new stuff...

#7 deep

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Posted 19 October 2004 - 03:49 PM

You don't think they'd just...keep reading? We RPer's are pretty smart.

If thou sayeth it so, I shall.

But man. It took you seven days to reply, and thats all you had to say? No remarks on the rest of the bio? Nothing constructive to add to the character? Can't say that I'm not marginally disappointed.

#8 GraniteJJ

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Posted 20 October 2004 - 03:06 PM

Sorry DP. I had about five minutes on the computer, which wasn't nearly enough for a substantial post.

Let's make a deal. You do all my homework, and I'll give you a decent critique. :P

Just kidding. But let's take a gander.

*please note, in this interval I was re-reading your submission*

Ha. I really like your tone throughout the entire submission. You kind of gloss over some details (which is okay since you are going to be developing him), and you are really light-hearted about it.

I found this to be particularly humourous...

After drinking a ton (you know alcohol made it through the war) and getting beaten over the head with the hilt of a sword, the demon lost enough control to allow Coheed back his body.


Oh how easily he was defeated.

But overall its very good. You seem to have a strong sense of who your character is, and you conveyed that understanding really well to me, since I was able to get a good glimpse of your character.

Overall an excellent submission. And if you say that's not the best you can do, I can't wait to see future submissions of yours where you actually do your best. Yowza.

Approved.

P.S. Sorry if my opinions seem lacking. Its a lot easier to comment on a submission when it is bad. :P




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